A
female
age
41-50,
*adinboston
writes:I have been in a relationship for 9 years (5 of which we have been married). I met my husband when I was 20 and we moved away together. I was enamored with him from the start. He is brilliant in science and architechure and runs his own company. He is very well respected and everyone likes him. He is always helping people out etc. About a year after we married he started telling me I was worthless and that we made a mistake to get married. When I would get upset, he would take it back, but about 6 months later he would start up with that same type of talk. I came from a disastrous broken home and he was the only thing that ever made sense to me. It ruined me when he said these things. Soon our arguements were escalating and a couple of times he chased me in the house and grabbed and squeezed me to hold me still when he was angry. It really scared me. I forgave him, but felt a disconnect. Shortly after those events I cheated on him for 8 months with a man who was very kind to me. When I told my husband he smacked me in the face and got drunk for 2 weeks. We went to counselling and then tried to work things out for a while. He couldn’t get over the infidelity and put it in my face every day. I finally broke it off and moved away. I started to see someone else. My husband moved to the town I lived in and tried to win me back everyday. He PROMISED things would be different. I went back to him. About two months later I found out I was pregnant with the other man’s child. My husband and I decided to raise the child as our own. About 4 months after I gave birth, my husband started to tell me that my son would hate me when he found out that I didn’t involve his real father in his life. So I told the biological father and now he sees my son twice a week. The strain of this has caused my husband to move out. Though he still comes over nearly every day. Some days he says he loves me and wants to be in my life, some days he says he can’t deal with it. My son is now one-year-old and I am afraid that my yo-yo realationship with my husband will hurt my son’s sense of family. I am so desparately upset over this. Every night I pray for the strength to leave my husband, but I blame myself for cheating on him and I feel it is a burden that I must carry and somehow make it right. I feel like if I try hard enough, I can fix our relationship, I still love him. I want to do the right thing for my son, for myself, and for my husband. I feel like I have been treading water for so long, I am so tired. Please help.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (23 June 2007):
 You are taking the first step in the right direction.
If you had the strength to come here and admit your problem, you certainly have the strength to go to a woman's shelter to get advice on how to manage the divorce process. You're not alone, and you won't have to go through this process alone unless you choose to.
It is very important to cultivate a support system. If you feel you can't count on your current friends then it's time to find some new friends who not only accept you unconditionally but will go to the mat for you. These people exist! Your inner voice will identify them for you.
Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, sadinboston +, writes (23 June 2007):
sadinboston is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your responses. Last night he stopped by my house and started to apologize for how he has treated me lately. He then swiftly followed up with a reminder of the fact that I cheated on him and had another mans child. Instantly I felt awful, guilty and shameful. But for some reason I remembered what I read from this blog earlier and I had a momemt of strength and told him to get out. I was sad as he left and my emotions were mixed.
All day, I have been thinking about what to do and I am going to bite the bullet this time and move on. I still love my husband, but my depression far outweighs my happiness. Every night I put my son to bed alone and I go to bed lonely and think of all the mistakes I made with my husband. I hold myself accountable for cheating and I am embarrassed that people in my social circle know how my son came about. I know what I did was wrong, but I have to stop beating myself up about it. I am young, attractive and hopefully stronger than I have displayed. I don’t like thinking about being a single mother. It makes me sad to be at the park with my son and see the families around me. I want a father figure in my sons life, but I am starting to realize that that man is not my husband. I am not really sure of how to go about filing for a divorce, but I am going to take the first baby step of cutting off communication with him.
I am going to take it day by day…
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (23 June 2007):
Your challenge is to break the cycle of guilt, for it is drowning out your inner voice.
Put another way, your inner voice is showing you the right path, but your guilt and associated negative emotions are screaming so loudly that you are heading down the wrong path.
You know what you need to do to provide a loving and safe environment for your son. However the years you have spent in an emotionally damaging situation have created this perverse comfort zone that includes your husband.
If there is a woman's shelter in your area, then as a start I suggest you take your son and pay the place a visit. In order to give your son a chance you need a safe and nurturing place to undo the damage caused by your marriage.
As you probably know by now, guilt has been a crappy guide for your decisions. A woman's shelter should provide the support system you desperately need. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2007): My very best advice would be to get yourself some space, some neutral ground and certainly certainly as the other people who have answered you have said - your husband needs to get out of your life. For 'love' you clearly will make many excuses until those excuses run dry and you can no longer hide from the truth. At least by writing your question on this site you are facing things. Stand back and see that the relationship/s you have suffered have done nothing for you and you deserve love, nurturing and support. Do not feel guilt for an affair. My father once said to me 'Desperate people do desperate things'. There is always a reason - learn from this and be strong.
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A
female
reader, RubyBooth  +, writes (22 June 2007):
This relationship has made you unhappy for a long time. Guilt is a negative emotion and a pointless one in this case. Your responsiblity is to yourself and your son if you are happy he will be too. It is time for a whole new start, You do have the strengh to leave, take the leap and look to the future, its bright!
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A
female
reader, burningbridges +, writes (22 June 2007):
Your husband sounds like an abusive lunatic. I wouldn't worry about a yo-yo relationship harming your son, I'd worry that sooner or later your husband will abuse him too.
You're not your husband's whipping girl. Your main stumbling block seems to be a need to be loved, which lead you to cheat and seems to trap you with someone who's not mature enough to be married to you.
As for cheating on him, don't beat yourself up. Your body knew your relationship with your husband was toxic and tried to fill that need you have.
The need itself isn't wrong, but please, please, *please* get away from the husband.
At least start by telling him not to visit for two weeks, so you can practice breaking away.
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