A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm having a dilemma. After several months of a new relationship, while we both talked about long term and our goals of marriage and family, our sex life was decreasing. While my ladys is wonderful in so many areas (whcih is why im with her), theres so many which are not.Sexually we are talking going from once or twice per day (from a girl who was quite promiscuous before our relationship) to once per week or two weeks. We talked about this, she reassured me there is no infidelity and that it was just her and the life situation and stresses. I helped with those (she switched jobs, i helped her financially etc) and they got better. However the sex life did not return. We talked more, and this time she cited wanting to be closer to god as something requiring celibacy for a little while. Im happy to support someone in their beliefs, but she was taking 3 to 6 months at a time. We talked that through and she has since changed her mind, but again the sex life has not improved. After i compared our initial sex life to our current one, and highlighted all the sex she had before we got together, she says that she was just having sex with people to keep them, and now she knows we are going to be together forever, she doenst feel the need to try to 'keep me' with excessive sex.We had a rough patch a few months back, she moved out and told me a bunch of things I was doing wrong in the relationship (even came up with a list of 25 things I should change if we want to work in future). She offered that I could make a list for her. There was one entry. Sex life improvement. She shrugged this off as me being a sexually driven male, yet still epxected me to adhere to her list (some of which ill admit was stuff im happy doing). During the time she moved out, she told me she was never attracted to me physically, only mentally. The reduction in our sex life was the mental desire for me going, and no physical to fill the gap. She also said I need to loose weight and that she had "lots of people telling me how beautiful I am..... adn then theres... erm... you.." Great. Bearing in mind her ass is a full 4 inches wider than mine, this is a clear cut case of pot-kettle-black.Well, we talked a lot out and got back together, though i refused to let her move back in. Today (months after her moving out), I asked her straight in the eye if she found my physically attractive at all. Her response"Dont take this the wrong way. You are certianly not the best looking guy int he world, but you are attractive"She didnt answer my question. However, i was most hurt. What do you think dearcupid? What should I do? She really is a great girl in so many areas.Any advice?
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got back together, infidelity, moved out, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Ziggy Z  +, writes (8 April 2008):
I would say end the relationship. If anyone came to me with a list of 25 things I should change, I'd tell her to leave,period.The rest will just be repeating what others have said. She's not attracted to you physically--that does not bode well, and if you are complaining about lack of sex now,let me tell you buddy, you will be going crazy later if you marry her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you who have replied. I appreciate your thoughts, you are giving me a great standpoint to view all this from.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Man, she did answer your question, only you couldn't read her. She is telling you she doesn't find you attractive. And she had told you that before, when she said you had to lose weight and all that.
I was thinking that perhaps you were her intellectual match but not her physical one. But, if a girl had twenty-five things she would like me to change if I wanted to be with her, I think I would just drop the towel. I would acknowledge incompatibility.
And, you know what? You're actually incompatible in twenty-SIX things. Or, if I am a little playful, in twenty-SEX things. Sex alone would be enough, I guess.
And, you know what? She's not the only one with objections here. You mean you didn't want her to move back in with you?
I do believe she's great in many areas, only those are not the areas you're great in, too. Like I said, I would just drop the towel.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Based on how she feels about you, I would thing long and hard about a long term relationship with this woman. Even if you were the ugliest man around, if she is in love with you, she should find you physically attractive. Her response was rather cold.
What I don't approve of is the 25 item list of things wrong with you. These are issues you should be working on together. It seems like maybe she is withholding sex from you for some unknown to you reason. My guess is that it has something to do with the 25 items. I honestly don't think her heart is in the right place with this relationship.
The fact that one of you is unsatisfied with your sex life is a red flag too. You have told her this bothers you and she has done nothing to improve things. This will not change down the road so don't be thinking it will. I would be willing to guess that if you corrected all 25 items on her list she would come up with 25 more.
You should find someone who thinks you are the cat's pajamas. And don't settle for someone who says to you "I am so beautiful and then there's you." It sounds to me like she thinks she is a 10 and you are a 1.
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A
female
reader, cuteblonde124 +, writes (8 April 2008):
 i say go on a break try branching out, and then see if things get better. if not she is not worth it, and she sounds very hatefull to me
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