A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been having a casual sex relationship with someone I work with; he is married and I have a bf. He had been cheated on in the past by his wife, and there are still problems. He just isn't happy with her. He and I started messing around over the summer and had said we were just doing this for fun nothing else, and that one day we both new it would end. We both had agreed. Since he is married I let him be the one to come to me or call, and eveytime he sees me he usually does. We work totally different times so I don't see him at work anymore. I hadn't talked to him since New Years eve he wanted to see me that day but I had plans with my bf, and we haven't been able to get our schedules together since November; till Tuesday. We got together for a little bit that after noon, We had been txting all morning and said it was nice that we had each other, and we had the understanding that we were just friends. When he got there and was kissing me I looked at him and pulled away he just stared in to my eyes and said i do so many things for him that I will never no and that I make him so happy. We messed around for awhile and then had sex when we were done he was on top of me touching my shoulders and arms, kissed me on the forehead and said are you sure this is all you want? I didn't answer. I know I want more now, at the time I was happy with just having the company, and sex. But with the emotions and the way he looks and talks to me I just don't know what to do. What should I do? I love my BF, but we still fight alot. And Im very happy when I am with my married guy, but I don't know if he'd ever leave his wife since he has kids. Do you think he wants more to and just wanted me to say it first?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (28 January 2008):
 I stand by my answer. Everybody makes choices, unless she was raped she CHOSE to have sex with someone else's husband. There are good choices and there are bad choices. We control who we have sex with, people who can't are weak. There it is, in black and white.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): He is cheating with you because of the problems in his marriage and now you've been put in the middle. You are being used and you are using him and as well betraying your so called bf.If this married man was to hook up with you in time the sex would get boring and then he'd just go out and cheat on you as he did his current wife. It seems to me its a revenge type of sex or an excuse to cheat on his wife. regardless the reason stop this relation before you become old news and lose out on a great bf that your currently with or could have one day. Why live your life with full of lies?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (26 January 2008):
 Affairs don't just happens, it is like they are in a whirlpool and they cannot do anything but get caught in the strong forces of emotions and love.
Maybe, you have never been in a whirlpool and you can easily say that. Not everything you see is black and white.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): go for it girl, things happen and happen for a reason, just be careful and whatever happens happens, just never regret anything.. good luck..=)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 January 2008):
Bull crap. Affairs don't just "happen" they are choices, decisions. Getting hit by a truck happens, screwing someone's husband is your decision. Being diagnosed with cancer happens, contributing to the destruction of a marriage is your decision. Stubbing your frigging toe happens, causing pain and heartache to innocent children and their mother is your decision.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 January 2008):
I would agree with male reader, some aunts here are judgmental,stereotype and too holier than thou attitute.They act like they are God and can see the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): My god what a lot of holier than thou repliers there are here. You know what people, life is hard sometimes, it is a bad place, it can hurt and things happen we don’t like but they happen. You are meant to give advice, not sit in judgement. Affairs happen; perhaps the wife is unhappy and wants out of marriage, perhaps the bf too. Listen here love, I was married once, had kids and I grew apart from wife and met someone else and began an affair. Yes it was wrong but it happened. It began as a sexual release but it became more. It led to me leaving my wife for her five years ago. It was messy at the time but today I am still with that girl, we have a two year old son, my other children stay 35% of the time and my ex wife is my best friend and a good friend with my girlfriend.My ex wife knew that I had cheated on her with this girl but she is ok with it now as she understands that our marriage had reached end of road and something had to happen to end it or we would have been stuck and both unhappy. She has a fiancé who is a great lad and is happy now. We all are.Sometimes these things happen.Having been in the situation myself, it does not sound like he is stringing you along, that is just the nasty other aunts being judgemental and stereotyping. Sounds to me like he is developing feelings. Only way to find out is to ask, talk to him.Misconceptions to get rid off that these other people have said. 1. If he cheated on her he will cheat on you. Not true, maybe it is due to unhappiness and maybe if he is happy with you it will be different. 2. married men in affairs just want sex. Wrong, sometimes they are unhappy and feel a need to be loved and understood. Good luck but a real word of warning. If you talk and he is not serious, then it IS just a sexual affair. End it or you will be stuck as a mistress forever.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): I think he is just making sure he can keep you strung along with a little hope and promise that are as shakey as his marriage...you are being played for a fool, and I wonder where your self respect is, perhaps you left it back in the car when you were "messing around" with another woman's husband and the head of her family.
I like birdie's advice, no truer words were ever spoken, and she left out the part where you made a stupid choice...who cares what this guy wants, you might be asking yourself what you want.... A man who is unavailable to you? Why is it do you think that his unavailability is so exciting to you? Could it be that you need the ego boost of a man choosing you over being faithful to his wife? Are you basing your value on your ability to control men with sex? That is going to bite you in the ass in a few years if you keep going down that road and you are going to end up breaking a boyfriend's or a husband's or someone else's wife's heart and all for what, because you lack self worth? And your heart stands to be broken most of all with your declining self respect and bad life choices...is this what you really want for yourself?
Maybe some counseling is in order for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008): What type of woman are you to interfer in another woman's marriage? I hope your bf finds out and dumps you and I hope that his wife finds out and dumps him. Maybe then you two will live happily ever after cheating on each other. This type of action degrades all woman. How would you feel if you were his wife? It's sick that you would even post a question on the internet asking people if it's ok for you to break up a marriage.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (25 January 2008):
 It's fun and enticing because neither of you have any responsibilities in this fling, just sex! Of course it works well! Throw in an ex wife and a couple of step children, then start washing the skid marks out of his shorts and paying the lion's share of the bills while he pays child support and alimony will probably put a damper on how you feel about him. He isn't a good bet if he's already cheating on one wife. And whatever problems you have with your boyfriend, you can probably count on surfacing in your next relationship, because you haven't tried fixing them, you just turned to someone else instead. I'd get out before your heart is too involved. Chalk it up to experience and learn from it. Married guys with kids don't leave their wives, but the ones that aren't faithful will always be looking for someone who's head they can turn with insincere flattery to get a little nookie on the side.
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A
female
reader, bemused +, writes (24 January 2008):
 I agree with the other two posters here. What started off as denial on your part...just friends no emotional involvement ect ect has now worn thin and you are facing the pain this will cause perhaps sooner rather than later. I believe the pain would have come down the pipeline eventually and guesss what..it is here. It sounds like you gave genuine feelings for this guy...that is the reality and you do not deserve a moral calling out on it. Your pain now though is a firm wake up call that you have to do the tough thing which is to gather up all that is good in you and walk away. It will hurt like hell but there will also be something that will built into your character if you try to see this guys family and your boyfriend as people worthy of consideration. I question whether you love your boyfriend. You are not required to if he is not the right person for you and if you really cared I do not think you would have been tempted by Mr ringfinger. This is kind of a tough break dear..but cut this guy lose. Something else might well be on the horizon for you.
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A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (24 January 2008):
 You don't want him even if he does leave his wife. If he cheats with you he would also cheat on you.
How would you feel if your BF found out about your cheating? This relationship is a time bomb waiting to explode. Your best bet is to tell him that you've thought it over and you need to call it off. No harm, no foul. Then cut him off. Take the time that you were spending with him and invest it into fixing it with your BF.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (24 January 2008):
 From your married co-workers point of view he is well and truly having his cake and eat it. He gets to sleep with you when he can sucessfully sneak away, then crawl back to the marital bed after. remember that invariably married guys never leave their wives, so ultimately you become the bit on the side or mistress, however you want to term it. Ok so you are both decieving people as you have a boyfriend, and no kind of cheating is good, but he is decieving a wife and children which is worse. I would stop this affair, for i think it will only end in heartache, which is the normal outcome for these sort of things. Pack it all in and just walk away from it, i think in the long run it will save you from alot of grief.
All the best & good luck
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