A
male
age
41-50,
*nglishBoy
writes:Hi everyone,I would truly appreciate some advice/opinions on a really upsetting situation that I have recently found myself in. You won't believe the unbelievable piece of bad luck that I and my girlfriend just experienced...I'm 31, my girlfriend is 28, we've been going out for a year and recently moved in together. Our relationship is fantastic (we've both been out with people before, and this is each our best relationship), we love each other very much, and marriage would appear to be on the cards...I'm crazy about this girl ;-) Then last Saturday happened...*:-(*While we were attending the wedding of a mate, my girlfriend suddenly got very distressed and told me that there was something she had to tell me. You've guessed it...7 million people in London and...By complete chance, there was someone at the wedding who she had had a one-night stand with just before we started going out. This would have been awkward enough, but I accept we all have pasts, and it wouldn't have really been an issue at all...except for the fact that, unfortunately for me and my girl, I, and all my friends, know this idiot very well :-( He's basically a friend of a friend who used to tag along on night's out clubbing. On most occasions he would spend the entire night in the corner of clubs, drooling and unable to speak from having done too many drugs. When not embarrasingly off-his-face, he is an utterly obnoxious banker type, who spends all his time bragging about the hundreds of "stupid" girls he has managed to persuade to sleep with him behind his long-time girlfriend's back. And he's not even particularly physically attractive, resembling Shrek...He is however, very rich and very cocky. Most of us never liked him tagging along, and his loathsome woman-hating outlook and drug-induced torpor made him a running byword for stupidity amongst my group of friends. And now, by complete fluke, it has emerged that my beautiful girl met this moron on the internet 5 weeks before we started going out(he gets "dates" on the internet behind his girlfriend's back)...spent a night doing cocaine with him and then slept with him :-( and now I am completely broken : - (If you knew my girlfriend, you would find it as shocking and unbelievable as I do.OK. I know that this happened before we were going out. Everyone has pasts. I accept my girlfriend's explanation that it was a moment of madness (and I'm pretty sure she hasn't done lots of things like this). She is very loyal, it's not like she cheated on me, and she told me when she could have tried to keep it a secret, which I respect. In fact, I know that we are amazing together, and too special to ruin over some stupid thing from the past. But I just can't understand how she could sleep with this particular guy, let alone have a one night stand with him, and I wish I never knew him because it is killing me inside. She has explained it to me, that he presented quite a different front to her, and that the minute she got a sense of what he was like she stopped seeing him. I can just about get my head round this, and realise that it was bad luck for both her and me, and that we all have skeletons in our closet. Yet still I am completely devastated and at a loss for how to heal things...Because of this idiot and his attitude to the "sluts" (his words, NOT mine) that he manages to persuade to sleep with him, both my girlfriend and I feel a little humiliated in front of my friends. I can't stop thinking about them sleeping together (MY lovely girl...with THIS guy of all people) and worst of all, I just can't find my way back to the way I felt just days ago about my girlfriend and our wonderful relationship. My poor girlfriend is very, very upset and worried I'm going to split up with her. I desperately don't want to, but I am hurting like hell inside and don't feel close to her at the moment. I know this is stupid and I musn't throw away a good thing, but what the hell do I do? I used to feel like I had everything and now I feel dead inside.Please...someone tell me that I'm not crazy for feeling hurt...and then tell me how I can heal myself and make things better again *sob*
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cheated on me, clubbing, drugs, moved in, one night stand, split up, the internet, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2008): Dude,
Forget about what happened before you, its not a big deal. Considering who it was and you knew him fairly well, you can just X him from your life, and avoid him like the plauge. Drugs are bad, things happen when drugs are involved. My best advise would be to continue with your relationship, dont focus on what happened before you, because it will mess with your head too much. Try to take things for what they are now, and really evaluate who your with, every detail, what bothers you and what you love, how she gets mad, about what? and why? and what makes her tick and what she will support you on and what she wont. What lines she will cross and what she wont. Let me tell you these are super important to know before you make any serious committments. Focus on the now my brother!
- Sean
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Honesty is the basis of a good relationship.
Two things about this, (1) it happened before you met her, (2)she was able to tell you.
I know there is hurt and embarrassment in you at the moment. Would it be good to look at why of both?
She sounds like an honest girl who made a mistake BEFORE she even met you. Humans make errors and (if smart) they then learn from them. How would people appreciate the good things with no bad experience?
A questions to ask yourself.
Do you love her or just an idealized image of her?
True love is too precious to drop because of a mistake
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (7 May 2008):
 If love is so wonderful to give and of course.. to receive,
why do we allow ourselves to allow outside influences to get us down?
Just go ahead and live in love!
The more you love yourself and others,
the more you allow yourself to be loved.
From
http://www.favorite-famous-quotes.com/love-quotes.html
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
It is when you lose something,
you will find it is gone forever.
Before they are gone forever,
value and appreciate them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Don't listen to the annonymous female's answer. She doesn't feel the normal way that normal men do about a cherished parter's past, so that means in her mind your feelings don't deserve any basic human respect. I guess she thinks you must just be choosing to feel this way to inflict pain and guilt on (yourself) for self-serving purposes.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 May 2008):
 He was a charmer and put on a front for her, probably pretended he was things he wasn't and she slept with him ONLY because she was high. However after she came to her senses she seen him for what he really was and wasn't waiting around to be taken in again. Good for her!
We all do things we're not proud of when we feel low or vulnerable. Neither of them probably even remember a thing so forget about it. She was honest with you and told you about it and she didn't have to. You should be proud of her that she was clever enough to dump him after only one night and even more proud of her that she told you about this. Put it out of your head and get on with life. Scoop her up in your arms and tell her how much you love her and how proud you are of her and don't let this sleazeball come between you for one moment longer.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Ooops!! Slight typo there in my post back there...It was meant to be..."You are both so obviously in 'LOVE' and are clearly meant for each other".
Not 'live'.
Sorry.
xXx
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A
female
reader, BigSis +, writes (6 May 2008):
Shandygirl is right. Get over it.
What you have with this girl is special, so don't go throwing it away because of what she did in the past. Relationships like yours are hard to come by, and you genuinely sound like you're besotted with her. You are both so obviously in live and are clearly meant for each other.
You have to know that she's well rid of him, and if you carry on 'feeling dead inside' then you are going to distance yourself from her and you'll probably never again find another who'll compare with the qualities that she has about her with someone else.
The other thing is, don't ever show her that you've changed since finding this out, otherwise she'll think you don't trust her, because she may walk.
Just keep saying to yourself, "I'm going to continue loving her the way I always have, and nothing on this Earth is going to change that. She loves ME now, and her past is well and truly forgotten. I am and always will be the one in her life."
Now English Boy, how does that sound?
: )
Best of luck and enjoy your future together!!
BigSis
xXx
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A
male
reader, cherub +, writes (6 May 2008):
 It is a difficult dilemma for you and surely for your girlfriend as well. Firstly, is it really the obnoxious guy that bothers you or your view of what a fantastic lovely girl she is has been shattered by her one night stand with this unworthy guy which could mean she was not too fussy about whom she slept with so how could your relationship/love be special?
To err is human and your girlfriend is just that, a moment of weakness. We all see people differently, it could be she saw something attractive in him or maybe just the bad guy image. She knew it was wrong very soon after and with that experience, realise you are different and truly a lovely guy whom she can spend her life with.
If it is trust issue regarding one night stand then you will need to work on that with her and as far as you have said there has been no reason for you not to trust her.
To forgive is divine, but that is always easier said than done because your ego is hurt. Take a step back and look at yourself and ask whether you are strong enough to exorcise this thought which happened before you knew her. If the answer is no then you are probably( not a criticism, just human nature) not mature enough yet to love a woman like her. I am not sure it will help but you can always reason that what she saw in him was a man of power and not the toe-rag he is.
You deserve happiness and she deserves a chance with you.
Hope it works out the way you want it to be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2008): Sorry, but you are just being a big ol' baby about this. But that's typical of men, who have no problem sleeping with whoever will give them a second glance. And the more, the better, right? That's a stud! But god forbid a woman should have casual sex while she's single! Then she's damaged goods, a slut. Standard male hypocritical tripe.
You are choosing to dwell on this. I wonder why... There must be a payoff for you in doing so, or else you would not. Perhaps you're afraid of commitment and this would provide a nice "out" for you. Who knows? Only you. I think you need to ask yourself why you're choosing to wallow in this.
The problem is not hers. She did nothing wrong. She exercised bad judgement, yes, but she broke no laws or vows.
You simply need to man up and move on, mentally. Or keep dwelling on it and lose her. The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (6 May 2008):
 BTW save some wedding cake for me. You Hear ???? ;))
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (6 May 2008):
We have all slept with people that makes us cringe of embarrassment, I am sure you have too. But please this happened donkey's years ago, do not let this mistake ruin what you call a PERFECT RELATIONSHIP.
Get that ring on your sweetheart's finger and live happily ever after with 2 point 4 children and stop worrying Hun.
Go on do it, or it will me that will get very cross with you if you let this lovely girl slip through your fingers over a dumb mistake. Dusky xxxx.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (6 May 2008):
 Uh...Hum! Like you said, this happened BEFORE you dated her. You are just embarrassed right now. Give her some credit for being SMART enough to dump him after she found out what he was really like.
GET OVER IT!
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