A
female
age
30-35,
*aubrod04
writes:So I was dating a guy for 2 months, going really well then he ended the relationship due to the fact he didn't like the fact I have children, 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant with his child, (implant broke) he said when he found out he wanted nothing to do with me or the child, less than a week later he said he wanted to give us a go so we have been trying well I have, he has been on a dating site the entire time, so I've been a hormonal mess and had a right go at him over things on numerous occasions. He then decided he didn't want to be with me due to the fact I apparently have 'mental provkems' instead of thinking about me being hormonal and dealing with him not actually committing anyways we came to the conclusion he would jus be a dad to the baby, which broke my heart! Anyways on Monday I found out the baby is really under weight and quiet poorly so I informed him he didn't acknowledge it and I've not heard off him now in over a week!! He has been speaking to friends as we have mutual friends and they informed me to not contact him and completely go our separate ways so I haven't spoken to him! I'm really struggling as obviously I want him to be a dad but I shouldn't contact him. He doesn't understand the things I'm going through and he is reaching out to his friends who are telling him to leave me n the baby n block us which is completely wrong!! I will admit at times I've been hard to deal with because I'm.hormonal I'm worried about the baby and the fact he isnt fully committedPlease help what do I do? I don't want this for my baby Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (27 July 2019):
 OP, you and your baby don’t need him, but your baby does need and deserve the child support, so please do get that done through the court. That’s one thing you shouldn’t avoid doing because it’s in your baby’s best interests to have that financial support from their birth father.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 July 2019):
Simple question... You plan on being an awesome loving parent to you child right?? Do you really want someone less than that around your baby??
This is no longer just about you. It's also what kind of people you want in your child's life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 July 2019):
OP, I’m glad you’ll take our advice and not bother with him again - aside from court ordered child support - but you do not love him.
You genuinely don’t love a deadbeat you dated for a very short time. The want a relationship and hope he could be different, but he isn’t. You don’t love him as he is. It wasn’t remotely long enough for love to develop and he walked away because you had kids - definitely not compatible, even now you’re having his.
I know it hurts, but you need to be rational and realistic, especially as a pregnant person.
For future reference, being protected from pregnancy is never 100% with only one type of contraception/birth control; you *must* use two types. An implant also doesn’t stop STIs. You need to get tested for them too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laubrod04 +, writes (22 July 2019):
Laubrod04 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help!!! I decided to have the baby due to when I had my last child he tore me apart so I was told that if I conceive again that it will be my last child hence why I went ahead and kept the child!!! I won't be having any contact with him at all he is very immature and me n my baby don't need him
Thank you so much again xx
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (22 July 2019):
 He sounds like a deadbeat, forget the guy. If he wants nothing to do with the situation then allow him to make that decision.
Definitely make sure that you seek child support from him, he helped create the baby so he can damn well pay for it. Take him to court if necessary.
If you need help I’m sure your family and friends will be there for you at all times.
Best of luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 July 2019):
 OP you should not expect any better from him because he made himself very clear when he broke up with you due to the fact that you have kids. He doesn't like children, he wants nothing to do with you or the pregnancy and even though I'm playing the devil's advocate, he has, in all fairness, made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want the child or you in his life. What I'm trying to say is that he never led you on. He didn't lead you on to believe that he wanted a child, that he even wanted a future with you. You can establish paternity and make him pay for it but you can't get much from him beyond the financial part.
If you're going ahead with the pregnancy then you have to be ready to do it all by yourself and forget that you ever had a partner.
I'm terribly sorry that your baby is doing poorly. Follow your doctor's orders, eat well, take rest, have your vitamins and calcium on time and just hope that the baby hangs in there tight.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2019): I'm sorry to hear about your problems.
Your and your baby's health need to be your priority. I hope that you have all sorts of resources, since you're going to need them, but I guess you already know that, being a single mom.
There are some hard decisions in front of you and you should do what is best for you - keep it simple and clean.
The guy is not obliged to love you or the kid, but he is legally obligated to financially support his child. You need to make sure that he does. Can you afford to consult a lawyer?
Don't make it personal. Yes. The decision to have the kid was yours, but he's responsible just the same. You cannot make him want to be with you or be there for you while you are pregnant. It's not surprising that he didn't react to the piece of information about the baby being underweight. He left you once because you had kids and he lade it clear that he didn't want any (with you?).
Children do not change men. Whatever they already are only gets more accentuated.
I will say to you what I learned as a kid of a single mother. A woman should have a child only if she is ready to bring the child up on her own. If for any reason she is not, and she thinks that she would like to have a kid with a man or a specific man, she shouldn't do it. I KNOW that this is unfair, but it being unfair doesn't make it less real. Men can get out of it, most women can't. I've heard only of two cases of women leaving their children. In one, a women got pregnant so that she could marry a guy and get a passport (horrible, but true) and in the second one, a women suffers from a borderline personality disorder and she left her kids because of a guy she had just met. Truth be told she had them in the first place to catch another guy - her husband, but that's a different story.
As a kid who grew up without a father, I can tell you that it was less damaging that other kids I grew up with whose parents had been divorced and who got to see their fathers rarely or not at all. They got really messed up. For me it was easier, because I couldn't miss something I never had. My mother, realizing that he would not be there as a father in any capacity, forbade him from seeing me casually, once in a while, when he felt like it. And she did the right thing. I never felt unwanted or unloved.
Good luck!
A side-note: You've had unprotected sex and you should definitely get tested for everything the doctors can think of. An STD can potentially endanger both your and baby's health.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (21 July 2019):
 There is nothing 'hormonal' about being upset that the man you're with is on dating sites. So don't be so quick to write off valid grievances as some kind of womanly weakness.
The complaint is valid, even if the way it was expressed was ineffective.
Second, accept that right now he wants nothing to do with you. He MIGHT, one day, be interested in his child, but today this child is an intangible, a possibility of something that may be several months from now. It's like expecting a 7 year old to prepare to go to Disney World in 5 years.
Assume you will be a single mother and act accordingly. Keep yourself healthy and well rested, do enjoyable things with friends and with your kids, even by yourself sometimes.
Remember that as hard as things seem now, the bad will pass. You've got all sorts of great times ahead of you. You have your health, your other children and top medical care for yourself and this one.
Things will get better. You'll be ok.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (21 July 2019):
 Awful situation to be in and I truly feel for you and your children, including the unborn baby. As Andie's Thoughts said, it is always important to use condoms alongside other contraception when in a new relationship, for protection from STIs as well as unplanned pregnancies.
If you two had a longer history, he would know that the hormonal you he is dealing with currently is not the "usual you" and would make allowances, given your previous relationship. However, this is not so in your case. Also, he split up with you because you have children (he should not have gone out with you in the first place, if that was how he felt, but it's too late to think about that). That hasn't changed so I think you are on a hiding to nothing, trying to rekindle this "relationship". He is clearly not there for you and has no intention of being. You really need to accept that and move on as hankering for him is not going to improve the situation nor help your unborn baby.
Make sure you do everything your doctor advises to give your baby the best change possible of being born healthy. First and foremost, look after yourself. Try to avoid stress. Cut contact with the "friends" who are passing on messages from the baby's father. Concentrate on relaxing and looking after your children. And tell your doctor how "hormonal" you are feeling. There may be things he/she can advise to help.
Although the father of the baby is obviously not interested at all in a relationship with you, he legally has responsibilities to support his child. Make sure you get financial support from him if nothing else. It is to be hoped he will soften once the baby is born and be a hands-on dad, but I wouldn't hold my breath if I was in your place. Concentrate on yourself and your children. I hope the baby is ok.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2019): I'm very sorry you're going through this.
You can't make him care about you and the pregnancy so stop trying and focus on your health. By contacting him and not hearing what you want to hear you are raising your stress levels.
From now on its best to assume you will be a single mother, anything else is a bonus.
He at least has been consistent so you can only expect to receive legally required assistance from him. It really is better to have no dad than inconsistent disinterested unreliable dad.
Just concentrate on yourself and your health.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laubrod04 +, writes (21 July 2019):
Laubrod04 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for this, we did think we was careful as I did have the implant but it broke, I'm really struggling at the moment as I do love him but he is being highly influenced by his friends who are telling him to have nothing to do with me! But I gain strength from your advice and I will not contact him again
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 July 2019):
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, OP, but this is why you must use condoms in addition to birth control - especially in a new relationship.
As for your current issue, stop contacting him. He’s clearly not a good guy, which is a shame for your child, but you must adapt. Discuss your hormonal trouble with your doctor because it’s a real problem, but can’t be an excuse for being challenging to be around. You’ll chase him off from your child, even if he’s already not being reliable.
I’m sorry your baby is poorly. That needs to be your focus now, not him. All you can do in regards to him is go to court for child support, but don’t try to get him to see you or the baby. He’s shown he doesn’t care, which may or may not change eventually - just be aware that it doesn’t normally change.
Find support in family, non-mutual friends, mothers/single parents’ groups, etc. Get prepared for your baby and see the doctor regularly to see if you can do anything to improve your baby’s situation. Do not go back to this man - he is not important right now; you can let him find out the baby is born when the court contacts him about child support.
...............................
|
