A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:Hey guys! Despite my usual posts in here, I have a pretty calmed down question/need for advice. I was in a 6 year relationship from 18 to 25. I am now 27 and after a slew of some flings and single dating, I was able to find a really great guy.We've only been dating for about 2 months now, but I've found myself really comfrorable with him, and I like him as a person in general.He would like to make our relationship more official now. We are exclusively seeing each other, but there is technically no label. He is very patient and isnt pressuring a "label" on me at all, but for some reason I dont feel ready for that label. I know it sounds dumb because were basically in a relationship now, but I feel weird saying "I have a boyfriend". It has nothing to do with seeing other people because I would turn down other men. It has more to do with the fact that I want to accomplish more in my life, and dont feel where I want to be in my career and success yet. I have been working to get there, and for some reason I feel like a relationship will hold that back. I take relationships seriously, and I feel like if I'm not ready to settle down yet, should I be in one? I really like this guy and I do want to be with him, but something is holding me back, and I am not sure how to approach it.I have communicated all of this to him, and he has been nothing but understanding. So the issue is more with myself. Is it ok to have a relationship, but keeping my goals first at the same time?Any thoughts would be appreciated, thanks:) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2019): You're never gonna wake up and be like "damn Im done accomplishing stuff. I just want to be someone's girlfriend now like a stepford robot". You can be in a relationship and still do things. The problem is that you are trying to convince yourself to do it and if you have to talk yourself into it then you're just not that into him.
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 July 2019):
 I don’t think you do want to be with him, if you did you wouldn’t be here asking this question. You shouldn’t have to convince yourself that you want a relationship with someone, if you wanted to call him your BF then you would do.
The reason you aren’t doing is because you’re not as into things as you say you are. Relationships are supposed to compliment and enhance your life, they aren’t a chore, they don’t hold you back. The very reason that you feel this way tells me that this guy isn’t the one.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (23 July 2019):
 Dam girl...why can't you have both? Relationships can be flexible to meet the needs of both, it's not like you have to rush out and buy yourself a ball and chain. Have goals and keep them. Any man or woman worth having around would be supportive as long as its communicated from the get go so there is no surprises later on down the track. If it is something they are on board with then great , if not then you have to ask yourself are they maybe not the right person for you and of course they are free to walk away. You are woman......I want to hear you roar
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 July 2019):
 You keep that attitude up and you will NOT have this guy around for long. THAT is my guess.
Why on Earth can't you accomplish your goals AND have a BF at the same time?
What would dating him and calling him your BF mean you can't accomplish? Is having a BF a millstone around your neck in you head?
If you want to BE single, the BE single. NOT putting a "label" on it but still carrying on like a couple is ridiculous and will make NO difference in reaching your goals.
Sorry if that was blunt, I just don't get all the "drama" about a thing like a "label" such as BF/GF. You are after all 27 not 15.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2019): You are really just playing symantics OP. If you and this guy are seeing each other exclusively, then he is already your boyfriend! You are his exclusive girlfriend. That is not settled down. He is not a fiance or a husband. That would be settled down. You can still keep all of your goals intact as long as your boyfriend is cool with being your man and maintaining a holding pattern until you feel comfortable moving forward to make a more permenant relationship. If you cannot call this man your boyfriend, then you have nothing with him but a FWB! If that is all he is to you, then neither of you are obligated to remain faithful, to the other.
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reader, KeW +, writes (23 July 2019):
 Hi there,
I don't believe I've seen any of your past posts, so I don't know if it will have any bearing on this wuestion you have now, but I think it's quite simple:
Your aim to continue putting your goals first is a very wise one. We often let relationships take priority, then end up somewhat lost if it doesn't work or our partner passes away. Whilst it's healthy to be sad at those times, it's helpful to have something of our own to guide or motivate us. Focusing on your goals will help stabilise your future, regardless of your relationships.
I think that staying true to what you want in life and making steady progress towards that will be very good for you - though that doesn't mean you can't become official with this man, as long as you both communicate well and are compatible in putting your individual goals first and fitting the relationship in with that.
Plenty of people are in committed relationships and still getting degrees, promotions, learning new hobbies, etc. Being in a relationship doesn't have to take over; we just often forget to take a step back because it's easy to get carried away.
If you like this man, then perhaps it would be nice to make things official now, but still take things slowly beyond that and check in with yourself every month to make sure you're still prioritising yourself and your goals. It's great that he's understanding and seems like a decent man to include in your journey, with open communication and agreement on priorities.
Good luck, OP.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 July 2019):
 Yes! We NEED to put our goals first because it’s all we have if a relationship ends. You’re being smart by doing that, but being in a relationship doesn’t have to stop you putting your goals first, as long as that’s the understanding when you put a label on it :)
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