A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I am a 30 year old woman who is single with no children. My family (more so my parents and 2 sisters) have been getting on my case for lack of a better word, for not having started a family by now and for have been single for so long.I made a decision some years ago that I do not want children. Don't get me wrong I love children, I watch my two nieces every other weekend, but I do not want any of my own. I recently confided in my best friend about this and she did not understand. She is a mother of 3. We are a Caucasian middle class family, not religious or anything, but it is as if my family thinks that all women should have a family like it's a woman's purpose in life to raise children. I feel as if they will judge me if I tell them of my decision. So lately I have been confused about my decision. Am I making the wrong decision to not have children? Is this something I may regret in the future?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): I knew from the age of 5 yrs old I didn't want children and am now childless aged 49 but I have never regretted it. Where I live (UK) about 1 in 5 women of my age are childless and it's on the increase so if you do decide never to have children you aren't alone.Yes I've had a lot of comments although it's never bothered me but perhaps that's because my parents didn't care either way. I tell people I've got that gene (the maternal one) missing. I've never understood the whole "selfishness" thing. After all I've spent many an hour sitting quietly on a plane or in a restaurant with children running amok while their parents chatter. I've never heard the other customers refer to me as the selfish one! I spend much more time looking after my elderly mother than my friends with children could. I also volunteer as I love animals and my husband and I are able to devote a lot more time to each other.If you remain childless I realise it may be difficult for your family to understand as they feel differently but you would not be hurting anyone so what business is it of their's?My friends mum was desperate to be a grandmother and as my friend remained childless it was left up to her sister to find a man and provide the grandchild. The man she chose was hugely inappropriate and although they have stayed together for the sake of the child he doesn't work much, they are always in debt and she has affairs. Hardly the happy ending the grandmother was hoping for. At the end of the day it's your life so your choice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2015): That's your decision and they should get off your back about starting a family. You're single at the moment anyway, so should you look back in later life and have regrets you should reassure yourself that it wouldn't have happened right now anyway. Your happiness should mean more to your family and they should be pleased to see that your happiness does not rely on finding a man and reproducing! Would they rather you met a man, and rushed to have children with any guy? Surely they would rather, if you did want children, you would meet someone and get to know them and make sure they're the right guy for you before you brought children into the equation. Some women do not want children for many reasons. You shouldn't feel shame or guilt, your family have an old fashioned and almost out dated view of life. In your heart you know children aren't for you so embrace the life you have and enjoy yourself! Go travel, have spur of the moment weekends away and if your family quiz you on your family plans let them know you are completely satisfied with being an aunt but you do not want to be a mother. As long as you are happy and the decision is all yours then you keep doing you x
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (6 July 2015):
Who knows if you’ll regret it in the future? Unfortunately, if we worried about the possibility that at some point in the future we might regret what we today believe to be the right choices, we’d never make a decision about anything at all. You do seem pretty firm in this resolve. A lot of people who feel this way, particularly women, do experience a lot of unfair judgement from those with children, who are simply so absorbed with their own happiness that they are unable to see that anyone would feel differently. It saddens me that many women in this position always seem to have to point out that you do like children, you are caring, etc. To have others proclaim with absolute certainty that you’ll feel different one day is immensely patronising. You should simply respond that perhaps they’ll feel differently one day about what a blessing having children has been, to illustrate to them how disrespectful this is. At the end of the day, you seem to have felt this way for a long time. You’ve listened to the counsel of others and still feel this way. You’re not really questioning your stance on children, only the wisdom of your own judgement and, faced with a complete lack of understanding from others, that’s unsurprising. Just remember that people are often critical because it’s hard for them to imagine their own lives panning out differently to how they did. I can’t imagine being happy if I’d chosen that career path. I can’t imagine I’d be happy if I never married. I can’t imagine being happy and fulfilled if I’d never had kids. You get the picture: it’s not really about you. Let that make you feel free to follow your own judgement with confidence.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 July 2015):
 Look I'm 32 and I don't want children either. However, I don't know how things will change (if at all they do) once I get married. Maybe I will want children or maybe I wont.
OP what's important to know is that no decision is 'right' or 'wrong'. Just because that's what society wants of you doesn't mean that its right. Its something that *you* should believe in and want.
As for regrets, who knows OP, I cant tell you that. Strangers on an agony aunt website cant really tell you if you'll regret your decision or not. Some people are perfectly happy being childless while some who haven't had children for whatever reasons-medical, personal choices, etc.,-might think that they lost out on something great. It all depends on how you choose to look at things.
All I'm saying is, its your life, your choices, your decisions. Don't let society/family/peers make you feel bad for not adhering to conventional norms. Having a child doesn't make you more of a woman or complete you. That's just hokum and its designed to make women feel bad about themselves and they're then labelled as selfish for not wanting children and putting themselves first.
Follow your instincts. Stand by what YOU believe in. You'll never regret it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 July 2015):
 If you FEEL like NOT having children is right for you, then stick with that. I don't think it's anyone else right to butt in and tell you how to live your life.
I didn't want children till I met my husband in my late 20's (27) and now I have 3. I have no regrets.
You can't control what others think, feel or say. So DO as you please and LET them have their own opinion.
Whether you will regret it later on, I can't tell you. ONLY time and YOU can tell.
There is nothing WRONG in not wanting kids, nor is there something wrong in wanting them. But having them because OTHER people think you should... THAT would be wrong.
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