A
male
age
51-59,
*avid70
writes:Hi EverybodyI am in a delima, I am married and have two beautiful chidren. I am financially sucessful and give my family all they need and want (may even spoil them too much).My relationship with my wife for 8 years has always been up and down and puncuated by messy arguements and forgeting rather than resloving. We are now at the point where we about to separate and I ma now taking a honest look at myself. My communication has been terriable and nasty / I have not feed my wife with emotional support regulary and taken her for granted. I don not want to loose my family but she is emotionally spent and says she has nothing to give. She said I can work on myself and we see in a few months but also says there is no guarantee. I want to make this work and give our children a happy home ... basically now I am scared I have lost it all. We still live together but I am looking at moving into a spare room completely - we cuddle and are talking the best we ever had - she wants space and I am unsure what my boundries are. I have started counciling and I will do whatever I can. I am scared I am too late. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, David70 +, writes (25 April 2011):
David70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello Again, Just to up date where things are and ask for a little bit of direction and thoughts as I am pretty confused at present. Things are going well in terms of talking and actions but there are so many mixed messages. On one side: we are in separate rooms, she says we will decide in 4 months but no guarantee, she is pretty picky, the toughest point though is expectations ... if something in her mind needs to be done i.e. put the rubbish out / make the kids bed ... she expects me to know and have done it, I say can you let me know but she says I should know, this happens even if I am doing / have done many other things.On the positive, we have set family goals, we talk about moving, we are planning a family holiday, she wants to cuddle on the couch, we are doing family things and communicating well. So where I am lost is ... what does she want? She questions my resolve to change and whether we are compatible? It is early days of my so called 'change' so I do see I have a long way to go but I feel very insecure with the position we are in. From a ladies point of view ... is this a game? she also says we both have a lot to work on and maybe we simply cannot do this together ... I am feeling better about myself and enjoy finally confronting my shortcomings but lost for what to say and do next. Thanks for any advice.
A
female
reader, svf +, writes (22 April 2011):
 Hmm, she is starting to get too manipulative... This is really horrible for you, and you are really coping with a lot of abuse right now. But try to remember, you are fighting for your family.However, if she is going to continue this, can you call her bluff and maybe move out for a week. I know this is the opposite of what I said in previous posts, but you are not a punching bag either... and it seems to me she is really taking the piss now...I think it is fantastic that you are apologising and full credit to you for your actions of the past, but there comes a time when situations have to evolve for the best, and trying to be positive towards a strong family unit is very hard when the other partner is hellbent on trying to destroy that.I think you BOTH need to go to a marriage counsellor, not just you on seeing a counsellor on your own, because it sounds to me that the problem is not all your fault right now. Yes you were not good in the past, but I can see that you are doing all that you can to try so very, very hard to change and work on things to improve yourself - and your family unit.I wish you all the best, as this sounds like a battle field at present, you are not happy, you are losing weight, and you are suffering for the sake of keeping your family together. If she has major issues with you, she needs to get help on working through them, otherwise your beautiful children are going to grow up in a horrible environment. Or, they are going to grow up in a shared care arrangement, which is not what you want, but this may be where things will end up?I think 4 months to put a timeline on things is a bit harsh, as when working through the down and up's of a relationship, particularly a marriage, it is too much of an ultimatum.I still think it is a good sign that she is wearing her wedding ring though. But it is a bit immature to start a fight when you are being responsible and trying to get her to a job interview on time?Please take care and EAT something please! xx
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 April 2011):
 if she still wears her rings... to me that means there is hope.
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A
male
reader, David70 +, writes (20 April 2011):
David70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionContinued the talking for 3+ hours tonight ... some positves of my change ... she said she will see how she feels in four months timone, and cant guarantee if she stay.
She still wears her ring, talks about ding things with the kids and creating family traditions ... but then backs it up with the no guarantee again.
Tonight was very tough, I have not been there and work has dominated life. In conversation she trys to catch me out a little if I say things slightly off. Issues from 7 - 8 years ago come up, her parent were bad and she sees the same in me in the way I treat her.
I see light, the dark, light then dark ... i have told her how much I love her and how proud I am of her achievements, how I was complacent and stupid in many areas of our life ....
Any suggestions? I still can't eat well and lost 3 kg (and I am pretty slim anyway)
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A
male
reader, David70 +, writes (20 April 2011):
David70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionweel tonight I am getting a blow by blow analysis of every horrible thing I have done over the last 8 years ... and yes lots of it is not nice and I feel horrible. Am I that terrible. I would have left me as well!
Still this is a relationship I want to save and make ammeds to, I did not realise how many hurtful things I have said and done or not actioned and the chances I have missed.
I am shattered at myself ... she says she does not want space but to talk and for me to listen, its all very angry from her side and fair enough. Was it all me? I cant think straight ... i feel lost and she is over it ...then the confusion ... dinner date friday and doing some task together for the kids on Sat night ... she suggests a family holiday ....
I have plenty of tears and apologies ... she looks quite smug now, knowing she is in control and I am hurting. the way all the stories are told feel like it is only me at fault yet I know she help sometimes ...
I cannot now see a resolution, very down!
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A
male
reader, David70 +, writes (20 April 2011):
David70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthis is killing me ... its a roller coaster of come here / go away ... lets go for a date ... lets go on a family holiday ... The day started off well, then I finished work 2 hours early to help out with the kids so she can have a job interview (I have always supported her in anything she wants to do)... she left pissed off cos I gave her a time check while she was getting ready (10 min) takes 15 to get to the place.
So confusing, not sure if I am being taken for a ride or if I fight for us. Her other issues by the way are weight, no job, kids are tough.
I understand and will support her but arghhh
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A
female
reader, ToHereKnowsWhen +, writes (19 April 2011):
 This is a hard way to learn a lesson. Being able to talk is a good sign but if she is feeling emotionally spent then she will need a lot of space to repair herself. Give it to her.None of this necessarily means that your relationship is over but it is surely taking a new direction. Don't lose heart. You need to maintain a give and take balance in your relationship. She needs to be able to depend on you just the same as you need her. I hope this works out for both of you and your children.
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (19 April 2011):
Hello David70!
You are doing it really tough... I can feel your vibes! Please hang in there and steady on, relationships are so tough because they are so emotional - and it's the not knowing that is the worst!(And believe me I've been through what you're going through!) But please, be positive - and stay strong and focused on your family.
If she is or isn't playing a game, you are doing the right thing in 'sucking it up'- which in itself 'sucks'(!). But, you must do this to save your family.
I think long term relationships have a tendancy to get stuck in the blame-mode pattern, and I can see how HARD you are working at trying to get out of this mode. It is to your credit that you are where you are right now, and not living apart.
Just keep up your counselling and try to confide in a few very close mates, who are NOT women haters. It is important to keep up the good work, and you need good solid friends around you right now who support what you are trying to achieve - you don't need your efforts to be sabotaged right now!
I wish you all the best and congratulate you for what you are doing. x
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A
male
reader, David70 +, writes (19 April 2011):
David70 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Ladies, thanks so much for your kind words ... I am going into a bit of an anxiety stage - hard to eat and concentrate. I don't understand the boundries or the direction, I feel lost. Her view is she treats all friends this way ... I dont know ... tough to grasp. When I say I could have done more and been more supportive her response is she gave 100 per cent so theres a constant hit, I am sucking it up but do feel saddened we cant look positivley forward for the children. I want to change and have already in many areas (although a short time) - I am soooooo confused! It is a little bit of a role reversal for us and I not even sure if it is to teach me a lesson or a game. But thanks again it is nice too read your kind words and that you took the time to write! I may be on here for a little while :)
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A
female
reader, svf +, writes (19 April 2011):
Please don't despair. From what you have written, it sounds like the situation is not as bad as you think. You are still living in the marital home, which is a good thing. You have realised where you can improve things on your behalf and where you think you may have gone wrong, in regards to the way you treated her, etc (which is a fantastic thing to acknowledge). Also, you have started counselling, which is brilliant.
I know there are no guarantees in life, but this is one hell of a start towards a positive new future within your family. You are both tallking, cuddling again, just take each day as it comes and try to remain calm and focussed in your determination to be the best HUSBAND and father that you can be, and I think things may work out. Also, it won't hurt to let her WIN every argument for the next few months(!) to really swing things in your favour!
You know, sometimes, we have to have things go really badly off the rails, until we realise what we really want and make changes towards that goal. I think you've realised what you want - your wife and children with you all the time, and I really believe that you are giving your family the best possible chance you can to have that suceed.
I reckon that if your wife was really against being with you, she would have booted you out, but she hasn't? So please, take that as a positive! I wish you good luck and the very best in keeping your family together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2011): judging by the fact that she's still cuddling with you and allowing that closeness, coming from a womans perspective, that's a very positive thing. most women, if they are completely over the relationship, will NOT allow or even entertain the idea of any physical contact. if she were over you, believe me, you wouldn't be touching her. she'd get annoyed at your touch and push you off, or find excuses to move over, etc.also, you say you're communicating better than ever before. she will probably see this and slowly start to loosen up a bit and trust that you are changing for the better. especially since you're actively going to counseling and working on yourself. that's great.i know she's upset because you haven't always been who she needed in the marriage, but it's never too late to make a positive change in your life. even if worst-case-scenario she decides she wants out, don't give up on this positive change. you never know what the future holds. and it's always a wonderful thing to better who you are. even if just for yourself.don't beat yourself up too much, although i know it's hard. it takes a strong person to acknowledge flaws and mistakes. and you did a very noble thing by even admitting this and actively seeking help for it. good for you. everyone makes mistakes, it's what we learn from them that truly matters. good luck! i think things will be okay in the end.
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