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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have a problem which I experience a lot and it is that I'm just too dependant on everyone in my life. I hate being on my own and I feel so pathetic all the time because I need someone there to talk to or to do something with, as I get bored and lonely if I stay in.I've recently started university and didn't move away as I'm too scared of change and hate the thought of losing all my mates and being on my own in another town. I still think I made the right decision about uni, I love my family and mates here but I really need to sort myself out. Does anyone have any idea why I'm like this? I used to be so confident and everyone wanted to be around me, now I'm a mess if I'm on my own and can't handle it when my mates or boyfriend aren't here with me. I don't want to be that sad girl who can't leave her boyfriend alone and clings on his every word but I feel like he'll be all I have left, as my mates are all seeing more of their new boyfriends than any of us. Please help!!!!
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (29 September 2005):
 Firstly, what you;re gonig through is normal so dont fret about it. but its how you deal with it that matters. Wanting to be loved and liked is a natural feeling everyone gets. Tell me, who likes to be the outcast in a group of friends? very very few I would say!! So you're with the majority of us here on this one!! You've done good yourself as you've actually identified this problem you're having. Some dont even realise they have this problem and they give you a blank face when you tell them they;re too clingy!! Maybe the next time you're alone, you can psyche yourself into believing that you enjoy the privacy, and that you're gonna spend so much time with your friends and boyfriend that you wont have enought time to do your own thing or unwind by yourself!! Basically, learn to appreciate it instead of living it in fear. It will be hard, but who says anythings easy anyway? And as for being clingy, im getting the impression that you do realise that its not something very appealing to the person at the receiving end, so its just a matter of being more confident with yourself. You dont have to stop pleasing others but instead you can try putting yourself first every once in a while!! Hope this helps and good luck!!
A
female
reader, laurette +, writes (29 September 2005):
Don't worry most people are afraid to be own their own and the thought of it scares us especially if we are so used to people being around us. Don't be ashamed that you want and love being in company but the only thing here would be not to be too dependant or clingy because you could drive people away.
It's seems that you are lacking in confidence and independence maybe because you have been so used to it or maybe something has happened to you in the past that has made you change from being confident to being how you feel now.
My advice to you would be , get out there, take a trip on your own for a few days or go on holiday, just to unwind, i know it will be hard at first but you need to do this for yourself, we all need to be confident and dependant on ourselves because that is one way of not getting hurtand never being disappointed. You need your own life to do as you please and so do your friends, theres nothing wrong with wanting to be in the company of friends and family but they have lives to.
Some men find it off putting when a women depends on them too much or if they are too clincy, men start to feel suffocated and underpressure and then want out , i know that it's probably the last thing you want , so you need to start taking charge of your life and do things on your own for a while.
At some point in your life you will be on their own, whether you like it or not and the last thing you want is to not be able to cope or survive on our own.
You've started uni which is great for meeting new people but you made your decission not to move based on your insecurities about yourself, your lack of confidence and that fact that you don't want to be on your own, which to me was the wrong choice to make, your family will always be there for you and you can visit anytime, and if your friends are true friends , you will not loose thier friendship and can see then when your not studying , keep in contact by email or phone.
I think that maybe it would be good for you to get away and stand on your own two feet , if your boyfriend goes with you , great , if not there are weekends, holidays etc... and you will appreciate each other more.
One day your friends will move on to have families of their own and live thier own lives and you will be stuck in a rut still clinging and feeling the way you do if you don't make some changes in your life, so take charge of your life now and know that your education, career and your life comes first and that is what you have to keep telling yourself, be a indepenant women and have confidence in yourself because people admire that and you then will never have problems meeting people and keeping their friendship. Your boyfriend will also appreciate you more and look at you in a different light.
You have uni to occupy your time and you won't have too much time to mingle with friends because you will be busy, maybe take this time to get used to being on your own whilst your studying, stay in a few nights a week without anyone and watch a movie, pamper yourself and as time goes on you will appreciate having the time to yourself .
Once you have a family of your own you won't have time to yourself because you will be so busy taking care of them whether there is children or not, and you will look back and realise how good it was to be on your own from time to time , to do what you want etc... until then my advice to you would be to enjoy your freedom, cherish your own time and just simply be confident and proud to be you..
I hope things go well for you in the future.
laurette
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A
female
reader, Pinky Poos +, writes (28 September 2005):
Firstly don't be so down on yourself. Going to University is a brave thing that not everyone could do! You also sound like you have a boyfriend and friends who don't seem to think you are that bad company to be around. Sometimes we just become a little insecure in life and need to have others around us, so we don't have to face this world on our own. This world can be a scary one sometimes and we can allow ourselves to easily become dependant on others. My advice to you sweetie will be this one simple thing. Try to enjoy the time you are alone. Find jobs that you could do that you wouldn't normally do if your mates were round. If you utilise and make the most of your free time it will go faster and leave you with less time to worry. Good luck!
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