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*unttjf
writes:i am dealing with my great nephew who is headed down a long hard path. he is 14 years old. his mother died of a sucide 8 years ago, his dad remarried after several relationships and pretty much through his kids to the wind. he is now in prison and i have his son. my sister (my nephews grandmother) has also passed away. leaving me as the only one willing to take him and his 17 year old sister(who has done the opposite and through herself into school and sports). problem is , he, while with his father started smoking pot and cigarettes he has been caught stealing and has become very disrespectful to me. he glorifies gangs and drugs and loves to fight. ive tried to get him into boys school which we cant afford, boot camps but they wont take him till its court ordered. i just want him to get his head on straight before he has a record. i had forgotten how 14 year olds know everything. i need help. he has medicaid and gets a check on his mother. which is another battle altogether. already tried counciling. he isnt scared of anything or anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2012): Don't be afraid to pressure your elected representative by a typed letters, not phone calls, to encourage more funding to combat Gangs in your state.Be they State or Federal elected representatives.Don't be afraid to talk to people in the media anonymously to encourage more stories in the media to help parents combat gang influence on their children.Ask the Gangs Unit of your peak Police body what programs they have in place to help parents and carers in exactly the same situation as you.Ask the County Officials what volunteer programs they could help fund to get rid of graffitti? Because graffitti is an indicator of potential gang action may exist in that area or nearby.Here are two such examples on Gangshttp://www.dc.state.fl.us/pub/gangs/awareness2.htmlhttp://www.ocgrandjury.org/pdfs/gang-intervention/Gang-intervention.pdf
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (17 August 2012):
 I agree that you should talk with him and warn him of what will happen if he continues on his current course. However, I have seen parents try to deal with kids like this time and time again. I have taught several children like this who were originally from troubled homes. There adopted/foster parents were good people, but they could not do much except try to steer the kids onto the proper course and keep trying. Several of these kids do end up pulling something at school or in society and end up in jail or boys school. Amazingly enough, many who do end up in these facilities, shape up. They realize they do not want to go back and they want to get their lives together. So, yes, talk with him and tell him you'd prefer he stay out of trouble so he can stay with you, but realize that he has to make his own decisions, and if they are bad, he will suffer natural consequences for those actions.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (16 August 2012):
However hard you try, he’s too old for you to be able to make him do anything. He needs to see sense off his own back. You can, however, tell him that you expect him to abide by your rules, which includes being treated with respect.
So, if you can’t make him change his attitude, what can you do? The answer is subtly influence his choices. There’s no doubt this child has had a pretty tough life, so it’s understandable that he might follow this path, especially if he looks up to a father figure who has proved a terrible role model for him. However, you should tell him your concerns for him, and not hide the tough realities that come with his choices: his father, for example, is now in prison, so the path this boy is choosing didn’t do his dad many favours. If he glorifies gangs, try and find a project in your area for ex gang members. Often you’ll find ex gang members who turn their lives to warning others about the very real dangers, and the unglamorous reality of the gangs lifestyle: jail, violence and death. Might that be frightening for him? Probably, but at least he’ll know what it’s really like from people who’ve seen it. You can tell him not to go down this path as much as you like, if he doesn’t value your opinion it won’t make any difference. So instead challenge him to meet some people who can share first-hand experience. What he probably doesn’t realise is that, just as deep down he does have fears, so do all the others who act like they don’t have a care in the world and are invincible.
Also when trying to deter him from a particular course, give him alternatives: perhaps he could get involved in voluntary activities in the area, or perhaps you could see if you could find him weekend or holiday work with some-one who works in an occupation that would interest him. Perhaps he will respond positively to some-one trying to help him figure out his strengths and use them to achieve something in life, rather than just leaving him an angry young man trying to hit out at society and the world around him, even those who are acting out of love for him.
You’ve got a tough job on your hands, get as much support as you can. But remember that at his age, he is responsible for the choices he makes. Don’t beat yourself up about it if he won’t respond to your guidance and advice. The advice I’ve given offers the best chance that he will be receptive. But really, you’re already giving him something he’s not had before in his life: some-one who cares. So the most important bit you were already getting right before you even posted your question.
I wish you all the very best.
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