A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Right where to start my question isn't about me its about my wife, I'm very worried about her. Well we have been married for nearly 7 yrs and have a 17 yr old daughter. We also have a 2 month old daughter as well. We have someone to come to the house 3 times a week to help and show us how to do things with the baby as people do. This is our first baby as our 17 yr old daughter was actually her cousins but she died of MS when she was 19 and my wife has brought her up and adopted her when she was old enough and i adopted her when we got married. Now to top all this up one of her relatives recently passed away its wasn't an extremely close member like her mum or dad, t was one of her aunties but its still hit her very hard. Shes struggling as it is with things with the baby as shes not quite used to it and is still learning, shes very tired and stressed and she doesn't really show her emotions alot she tends to bottle it up alot, shes still in quite abit of pain down there if you see what i mean as the birth was abit more difficult than we expected. Its really showing on her now and she was in tears last night over it, i know its hard for her and its hard for me but i have to go to work in the day so i can't really stay home. I just don't know what to say to her because I'm in the same position about the first time with a baby but then again i haven't lost someone as well. I was thinking of taking her away for the weekend at some point but its not fair to ask her mum or brother to look after the baby as it was her sister that died and there only my brother that lives around here and i don't like taking her there much as they all smoke and there's alot in a very small house and my sister lives in Lincoln so i can't take her there. I was also gonna do this because one thing she said when she was upset is that we don't seem to be "together alone" as much in other words we aren't as intimate but we can't really have sex if shes sore and for some reason when i see her upset i feel really uneasy and i don't want to, i want to make her see although things are hard at the moment it doesn't change how much i love her its just we're both very tired at the moment and it will get better and we'll have our times together again. I just don't know what to do, I'm constantly wondering if she alright. I just wish she would open up to me more. Even though she was crying last night when she calmed down i could tell she wanted to start again but was holding it back. What can i do? I understand that a baby is hard work and its getting on top of her + her being sore isn't helping very well as it hurts to do certain things and sudden movements which is bad enough but to loose someone as well. I've told her it'll be alright but lets face it i can say that but if it was me i know i wouldn't believe a word of it. Please help.
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (23 August 2007):
 Hi there,
I know from experience that a new baby turns lives and emotions upside down, and you and your wife are not alone in finding this situation daunting....
If it was 2 months ago that she gave birth, she should by now physically be healing, and if she is still uncomfortable she should mention this to her GP, it may be something the doctor can help with.
Emotionally if she is finding it hard to cope I strongly advise you to get her to see her GP or mention her feelings to her health visitor as she could be suffering from post natal depression, very common and can be made worse by berevement. She need not suffer, her GP should be supportive and should be able to asertain if her depression is post natal or not. Don't delay in getting this sorted and don't be afraid to ask friends and family for help and support, you need time out for yourselves if its for just a couple of hours.
Good luck and keep us posted.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (23 August 2007):
 I am so sorry to hear about your wife losing her aunt. You and your wife are struggling with a lot right now. It takes three years for the female body to return to normal after a pregnancy - because there are so many changes that it went through (not to mention her having the difficult birth). Her hormone levels are all over the place, that really contributes to mood swings and crying jags. She could be simply sad and overwhelmed by the birth trauma, a new baby and the loss of her aunt. You are being a very supportive husband by watching over her and worrying. Anyone who has children knows how tiring it is in the beginning, the sleepless nights, all the laundry, and the discomfort of your body getting back to normal. The change in the house once you bring the baby home is HUGE. Try to get your 17 year old to help her Mom out. Right now, when the baby sleeps, make sure your wife is resting too. Even though your wife has raised your daughter, it can be quite overwhelming to go through the birth of your first child. There can be feelings of inadequacy - "I'm not prepared for all this, therefore I'm not a good Mom" or "I raised one child already, this should come easily to me!". There can be bonding issues too, - "I don't think that I love this baby the way that I should, What's wrong with me?". Since mothers are supposed to be the ones who care for everyone else (and she has already raised a daughter), if she has any of those feelings it would be for her hard to talk about. She could be having post-partum depression. Watch her for any signs of detachment from the baby and from the family. If she does have post-partum depression, she might need professional help. With everything else that has gone on, it sounds like it's probably just early days; NOT a major depression. Just keep doing what you are doing. You are doing a great job and are being a wonderful husband. If you can pitch in with anything, do it. If your daughter can give you a break or let you go out for a quiet meal, take advantage. Not every household has a built-in babysitter, so you are lucky! Continue to tell your wife wife what a great job she is doing (she REALLY needs to hear that from you). I remember our birthing coach telling the husbands - "From now until a year after the baby is born, I want you to ban this question from your vocabulary - "What did you do today, Dear?". I still remember those days of washing the baby, changing the baby, feeding the baby, burping the baby, and never really feeling that I ever got anything accomplished. But that is the whole point right now, it IS all about the baby, SO nature makes us focus - and the baby becomes older and more independant. Hang in there, you know from experience that they get easier with time. Congratulations and Hope this helped ease your mind a bit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): I think that your 17 year old daughter is old enough to care after the baby while you're away. And I had a baby 4 months ago, & I was not sore after 2 weeks of delivering a 9 pound baby, my 1st baby, me & my partner were having sex again. I think that 2 months later & she's still very sore...there may be a problem & she needs to see a doctor about that. Women have tendency to snap back down there fairly easily which surprised me after I gave birth I thought I'd be loose but I was the same. She's probably suffering post pardom depression also & she should seek counseling for it as it is very serious & there have been cases of women killing themselves or their baby over post pardom depression. Her losing an aunt is very sad, yet I cannot see it upsetting her this much. I am close to my aunts, but if 1 died, I would not put my life on hold & it make me utterly miserable. I think there are other things going on here & she needs counseling. A vacation is also a good idea but it isn't going to be enough.
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