A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for about 8 months. We are very close and care so much for each other. It's like having a best friend and a boyfriend in one, and I'm really happy, but I'm getting a little frustrated with the fact that we aren't having sex. We've both made sex mistakes in our pasts. We've learned a lot from them and don't want to make those mistakes again obviously. We've also both gotten tested and have come up clean, so we've moved past them and come out new people, for the most part. The short version of my story is I got used. After I lost my virginity, the guy I was dating at the time made me leave because he "had to do something". No snuggling, nothing. The other guy just didn't call me afterwards, and the condom had broken on us. Thankfully nothing bad came of that horror, but it was a bad experience on all levels. Now, I feel loved, respected, and so emotionally connected with the guy I'm seeing now. He's taught me so much about respecting myself and what love is over the course of our 8 months together and even longer as friends. Now, I want to have the physical connection that sex would bring to us. I want to have a good, loving memory instead of only the painful ones when it comes to sex. It also bothers me that guys who have treated me like shit have had my body when the guy I care more about than anything hasn't, and that other girls have had him but I haven't. But he won't sleep with me. At this point I think he's more afraid of getting me pregnant than anything. I know that's a humungous reason. However, I've been on the pill for a few months and been very consistant about it, and we also have condoms. I feel like we are protected pretty thouroughly, but he's still afraid and it's frustrating to know that even if we do have sex, he's going to be freaking out. I'm not really sure how to deal with this. Am I wrong to feel this way?
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best friend, condom, lost my virginity, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys.
@k c100 I am a little impatient yes haha :) We have fooled around, and his bad experiences were basically that he realized one day that he didn't like the path he was traveling on. We haven't talked about it for a while so maybe I'll try talking to him...I'm thinking I'm just going to have to keep being patient though. I'm pretty content just being with him, I just really really want that connection as well. I'm not sure what other issues he might have, or how to broach that subject.
@Sparta I think you're probably right. Patience is difficult but that's probably the only way. I'm just about 18 and he is already, so we are both legal in our state but I see your point there.
Again, thank you guys. You both gave really helpful answers.
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 Gosh you are impatient arent you! Answers have to be approved on this site, so they can take hours, sometimes days to come through!
As for your actual problem - no you are not wrong to feel this way, it is natural to want your relationship to progress and it must be frustrating for you.
Have you tried talking to your boyfriend about this? Have you asked him why he is scared of getting you pregnant when you are protected? It is very immature of him to be scared of getting you pregnant when you are on the pill and would use condoms, that is simply an irrational fear on his part because you could not be much more protected if you tried! So talk to him about it, get him to explain what he is scared of and tell him how you feel - tell him that it is hurting you that you are not progressing your relationship and that you cant be intimate with him.
Also - do you do other sexual things (aside from sex)? So do you have oral sex, or fool around etc? There are lots of things you can do that is not full penetrative sex that wont get you pregnant, and that will make you feel closer. So perhaps start off with that, fool around more and I'm sure gradually he will start to feel more comfortable being sexually active with you.
I dont believe that it is just a fear of getting you pregnant that is stopping him, you are protected so I dont think that is the real problem. Is he older than you? He could be afraid of getting into trouble because if you are below the age of consent in your state, then it would be statutory rape and he could go to prison. What were the bad experiences he has had with sex? Perhaps he has had problems with performance in the past and he doesnt want to let you down? I think you need to have a good honest chat with him to really get to the bottom of this, I think there might be more to this than he is letting on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, Sparta +, writes (13 May 2011):
 All you can do is be patient. If he isn't ready you cannot force the issue. You love him, he loves you. All those things will come in time. You are both young aswell. Give more time for the relationship to mature. 8 months is a while, but real love is not about sex. Sex is something two people share with one another as you age and get more experience in life to really understand what sex means. Too many young people rush into sex and it becomes what the relationship is centered around. My personal advice is for you to wait aswell until you are both of age. And wait for him; because when you are both trully ready; and not pressured for the matter. It will make all the difference in both of your futures.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionsad day. No answers.
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