A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Basically I have a guy friend that I used to (and still do) fancy quite loads, and recently we've started to talk more which I love. All of a sudden, we started getting onto the subject of sex - which I really, really don't mind at all! After a while we decided to think of ourselves as friends with benefits, which again, I'm completely fine with. The only part is that I really don't feel comfortable with my body at all (the size, shape, etc.), I'm ready for actually having sex and everything but I'm really ashamed of my body and get really paranoid over it because I know he'll want to see all of it. I really like him and I love our relationship but I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 September 2009):
 This all sounds so wrong! So you have discussed being "friends with benefits" yet you say you "really like him" and "love your relationship"? That is a complete contradiction of what friends with benefits actually is! To be FWB you need to have no emotional attachment to this guy what so ever, you need to purely want sex and sex only. You cannot have any feelings for him at all, apart from thinking "he is a friend I would like to have sex with and I dont care if it remains as just sex for the foreseeable future".
My other concern is that this sounds like it will be your first time - how can you even consider losing your virginity in this way?! That is just so sad and if you do this then you will regret it, I promise!
Your first time will only be special if you are in love with that person, and they love you too. My first time was amazing because I was with my boyfriend for 6 months and then we decided to sleep together, it was such a special moment and brought us so much closer. You are still young so it would be foolish if you think after your first time you will still feel nothing towards this guy and would be happy with a FWB situation. When you have sex it is hard to describe how you feel afterwards but there are definitely emotions that run through you that you cannot control, and you will feel an attachment to that person you have just slept with. Now for someone a bit older, who has had a lot more sexual experience, then yes it is possible to seperate those emotions and just remain friends. But when it is your first time, your mind will be telling you that you are in love with this guy! And that is not what you want if he doesnt want a relationship!
Think about this carefully - you will be losing your virginity to someone who doesnt love you and who only wants sex from you. While I am no believer in "no sex before marriage", I do believe that your virginity is something to hold onto until you meet the right person. Ok so you might not be with the person you lose your virginity to forever, but still it is an important moment in life and not one you want to regret forever!
As for your body issues, it is just like the other posters have said - if you were in a loving relationship then these issues would just melt away. When you love someone and they really love you, you feel so comfortable around them and you know that they are attracted to you so whatever hang ups about your body you might have just vanish. I've never particularly liked my body but whenever I have slept with a new man for the first time, yes I get a bit nervous and wonder what he will think when he sees me naked but none of that matters because it is exciting that you are taking your relationship to that next level with someone you really care about.
It sounds to me like you really like this guy and wish that he would be your boyfriend, but because there are no signs of that happening you think a FWB is the next best thing. I think you should be honest with this guy about your feelings - come clean and tell him you have liked him for a long time and would like to be more than just friends. You never know, he might like you too but was just scared in case you didnt want a relationship! Or you might find out that he is just after sex and nothing else, in which case you will know that he is not the right guy to lose your virginity to!
I really hope you think this through properly!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): All i will add is that when you are older and look back, you will wonder why on earth you ever worried about your body, and your perceived imperfections. I bet there is nothing wrong with you at all. It's such a shame that worrying about body issues can really hold a woman back in the bedroom, when you need to relax and enjoy yourself. Accept yourself. Know that you are lovely. x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): I agree with perspicacious - you do feel a lot more comfortable about showing your body to a guy that loves you...For one thing, he'll be seeing you with "the eyes of love" (can't think of a better less lame way to put it, but hopefully you know what I mean - someone who loves you sees fewer imperfections). But having said that, I get nervous about my body before sleeping with each new guy. Really there's no need to be worried about it! They are loving the moment and everything about it, not busy judging bits of your body :) Reading your post, I kind of think it could be really good to lose your virginity to a close friend because a friend would care for you and be less likely to hurt you. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (4 September 2009):
Before you do anything I think you need to stop for a minute and consider exactly what "friends with benefits" actually means.
Basically it means two people who get on, both deciding that as they don't have a romantic partner they will use each other for sex for a while.
Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that as such - if two consenting adults are happy doing that and both are fine with the situation then so be it.
But you are talking about your first time with someone. Don't you want it to be with someone you that you love, and who loves you in return? Don't you want it to be special? Do you really want to know that it was with someone that was just using you?
You say you fancy him, love talking to him and so on. In which case, why settle for just "friends with benefits"? Would it be true to say you would much rather he was your boyfriend? If so, then you should have the self respect to either make him commit to you or tell him to get lost and find someone else that will.
On the other hand, if you are determined to go through with this friends with benefits thing then you really don't have to worry about your body. I'm sure he will be quite happy seeing it, especially as he will be getting his kicks without having to make any effort on his part.
There again, I can guarantee that you will feel a lot more comfortable being naked in front of someone that you know loves you and cares for you. Surely waiting for that person is a much better option?
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