A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:I am married 24 years, and recently found out that my husband cheated on me, but he won't admit it. I have been going through treatments because I have cancer and he started a new job. Because of the chemo I was very sick and not thinking clearly so I did not notice anything wrong. He started a new job and his boss also owns a laundromat and twice a week he started going out at night to help out his boss with that, not getting any extra pay for it. That was my first sign, then I noticed he was on his cell phone a lot not talking but looking at it for hours, then spending time in bathroom a long time for at least an hour. He was late from work almost every night at least 30-45 min. But he said it was because of the new job. So when I finally realized that I was not his friend on Facebook, I knew his email account, I got his Facebook account password and went on it. I saw messages to a girl back and forth about how he was hungry (I couldn't make dinner because I was sick) she said do you want me to bring you soup tomorrow? He said no you don't have to do that. I love you. She said I can't wait to see you I love you too. Then he said, she's starting with me again, I hate her! ......well I could not believe what I just read, I went crazy, at 1:00am and woke him up, he grabbed my iPad and deleted all messages. Stupid me did not read anymore, I let my emotions get in the way. I looked up phone bill records and he has been talking and texting her for 3 months. In the 3 months he would tell me he loves me, I did not see a disconnection in our marriage , this was all so shocking to me. Of course confronted he says she is "just a friend" we were just talking. The I love yous were just friends saying that. They would talk a lot. And the texting was off the chart. So the question is: what do I do now? I am finished with treatments but will not find out if cancer is gone for 3 months. All I think about is what he did, and I do feel like he cheated on me, I may not have proof it was sexual, but it was at least an emotional affair. I have 2 children, our financial state is very bad. We have to go through bankruptcy. He says their friendship is over, he loves me to death, he cannot live without me, we are one. He has been coming home on time. I do not see anything going on like before. I check his cell phone records everyday, but he knows I can, and I feel he can talk to her anytime. She was just some customer at his job. So he does not work with her, but she does live 5 minutes from my house. I am still suspicious with no proof because I laid all my cards on the table with him. It has only been 3 weeks since I found out. I am back and forth with wanting to stay with him, because I don't know if I can ever forget what has happened, all I do is think back to what he did, and if he is still doing it.
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female
reader, IamJess  +, writes (29 November 2012):
 I'm so sorry that is absolutely disgusting behaviour of him that he could not even stand by your side when you was/are ill and I find that horrible.
I think the guy is a heartless person and cheating is just unacceptable, texting or talking like that IS cheating at the end of the day, and you don't need to stand for that.
If their just friends, why would it be put like "i love you" their not just friends, he just wants to have his cake and eat it, well you need to boot him out.
Hope your well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. You truly are a good man. My husband works 60 hours a week and he did not go to one treatment with me, he complained when he came home and there was no dinner or that he had to do the laundry because I couldn't. I am a stay at a home mom, and I felt so guilty for not doing the housework, and I felt so alone. I was resting all the time. And now I am just so angry for feeling guilty when he did what he did to me while I was sick! And this was not the first time he cheated it also happened 16 years ago and I never found out the extent of what happened but I forgave him and told him I would never bring it up, but just never do this to me again because it will be over. Well now with 2 kids, cancer, no financial stability, I'm not a spring chicken, I'm 48 years old, I say to myself, what the hell am I going to do with my life. I have always counted on him, and gave him my life, I am just that old fashioned type of woman. And now I got screwed. If I stay it will not be easy, If I end it, it will not be easy. My heart is so broken and I do love him, I am so torn and so mad at him for putting me in this situation. I know I would be saying the same thing, get rid of him, start a new life. But when you are actually in this situation it is the hardest thing in the world to do. I thank anyone for your advice and I am listening to what you say. Thank you!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 November 2012):
 I'm so sorry he took advantage of you when you were sick. that was cruel... and he did cheat... whether physically or emotionally or mentally.
my ex husband used to text women "I love you" and when I caught him at it he said the same thing "as a friend"
they hate getting caught.
I can tell you that you will never trust him again. I would not blame you for wanting to leave. Contact a competent divorce lawyer in your area usually they give one free consult and you can get an idea of if you can make it without him.
with a precarious physical and financial state, you need to think long and hard about if you can even survive a divorce.
IF you want to try to make it work I would mandate that he go to couples counseling with you. IF he won't go, then that tells you he's not interested in making it work and is just giving you lip service.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 November 2012):
 I can give you a personal reflection on this. To wit:
TWICE, the lady I was dating was diagnosed with breast cancer.... and both had surgery, chemotherapy... and emerged in as best a shape as one can, under the circumstances.....
IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME to leave their sides... to fool with some other woman... or, even, to not be extra-attentive to their needs in their trying times....
THAT is what a MAN does....
YOU describe a man who (apparently) was content to bail out on his woman (you!) in her (your!) most trying time....
HE is the penultimate DOG..... and should be viewed so....
If you are so trusting (of him) that you will forgive him his indiscretion... then so be it.... HOWEVER, you would be understood if you "told" him that you think he's a total A*S.... and sent him on his way.... Your call....
Good luck.... and I hope things are continuing to get better for you, health-wise...
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A
female
reader, Roxypuss +, writes (29 November 2012):
Say to him straight up that he has a choice, he either comes entirely clean about this and is honest or you're gone and I mean this you are gone. It is one thing cheating but it is one thing LYING. If he can't be honest this time when you have proof then he's never going to be honest about anything after this. By lying he is taking away your decision to leave, your freedom and making you stay in what is potentially a false relationship. You get one life and you're wasting it if you're with someone dishonest as instead of not doing things he knows would hurt you or coming and talking about him needing sexual release elsewhere he's denying you the choice by doing it anyways and not telling you. I'm not saying necessarily if he'd said he wanted an outlet to deal with a stressful time you should allow him to sleep with someone else but at least you could have had the opportunity to discuss it and solve things or compromise or get counselling etc. he took that from you.
People get over someone cheating but they don't recover from being lied to on that scale. You will always wonder. If you feel you need more proof maybe ask her, tell her you want to cause no trouble but you need to know as it is wasting your very very precious time and that you won't hold her actions against her if she gives you the truth (stick to that don't kick off on her she's you're ticket to knowing for real) Of course you might not want the truth if you can't handle that leave anyway, I know you're thinking if I leave it'll be hard I'll be alone when I am very ill but leaving is more important for your self preservation than staying is. Good luck and stay strong. x
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A
female
reader, marie.m  +, writes (29 November 2012):
First of all i want to say i hope you are feeling ok health wise and that should be your first priority to look after yourself. I know that is easier said than done when you are going through this stuff with your husband. It sounds like your husband was out of reality for a while. Saying to this girl he was hungry, he could have made food for himself when you were sick, but he was playing the victim to her. Same goes for him saying you were starting on him again. You were battling cancer and it definitely sounds like he was not sympathetic or understanding to you at that time. I doubt he loved this girl, she was just someone who bought into his 'victim' mentality, more fool her. When you were going through so much with your illness of course you were not able to keep you eye on what was going on, how were you expected to???? You must sit down with this man and tell him exactly how you feel and how this has affected you and what you want and need from your marriage.
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