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female
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*shortie420x
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We are expecting our fisrt child. My boyfriend lies about things and I guess he doesn't think I know or I won't find out. It's just gotten to the point that I don't believe anything that he says. Also, he hasn't had a job since we first got together. He says he's tried to get a job, but can't. He has lied about having jobs in the past and about going to interviews and things like that. I don't know if I should end our relationship...I love him, but he doesn't have a job to take care of our child and it really concerns me. Thanx. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QOTU +, writes (21 December 2005):
 Raising a child with a man like that isn't going to be good for the child... I understand that you love him, but if you can't trust him, then that's a very important part of real love that isn't there for you both. Either you sit down and talk to him about this, or leave... Because you shouldn't have to raise a child with an influence like that.
Your boyfriend needs to grow up.
Sorry about the harshness, but it's the truth.
A
female
reader, Virginiaac +, writes (21 December 2005):
Please consider seriously any action which would separate you from your baby's father. It may well be that the birth of your first child together will encourage him to get a job. You have not said whether you have worked. Have you thought about getting a job yourself after the birth and making sure he has the responsibility of bringing up the child.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): Irish49 said it right..your future with this man is looking pretty bad. And I agree with her and the other female poster...get a plan in place now for you and this baby..now! You will be having a baby with the man who lies, who does not work and you can't trust him to be dependable for you and this child. There is a baby's well-being at stake here..you need efforts, hard work, dependability and incredible committment from him. His responsibilities are going to change. When you are home with the new baby, who's going to put food on the table, who's going to clothe the new baby, who's going buy toys, strollers, baby furniture?? Who's going to pay the medical bills? It won't be cheap. He will be under much more pressure and do you feel he'll be up for the much heavier responsibilities to provide for his family? You know him-ask yourself..is he up for this? If you feel he can't do this-don't settle for 'nothing' because that's what you will get. Any other option is third-rate and not good enough for any baby.
If he doesn't do some changing and you don't start setting some boundries- walk away because you won’t lose a whole lot. His behaviors are all indicators of very poor character. We shouldn’t have people in our lives that compromise our integrity and will drag your life and our child's life down to their level. Your baby deserves so much more. I see a disaster waiting in the wings for you.
I see heartache. Start phoning family support couselors, visit a church minister and start calling in all the outside support you can muster. You family doctor would be a good resource. But one point to keep in mind, he will have legal rights to his child, as he is the bio Dad. If you do walk..you better find out from a good lawyer, how you want to deal with this issue. You have lots to plan. All I can say, is I HOPE and pray, he get's his act together and can prove to be the father and provider, you will need him to be. Good Luck.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): Have this man make a plan, and stick to it. If he can't, or doesn't, then get rid of him. (Of course, mention that he is the father so when he does get a job someday he can pay for his child.) Get some proper counseling so you can get the support you need to know how to proceed on your own. There are lots of options, not just adoption, but there are many ways to support yourself as a single mother. I have three small children of my own, and am better off down than when I was with their deadbeat father. You can do it too. Just find out how, and find out what fears are stopping you. Good luck, and best wishes. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): for gods sake give the guy a break whats the matter with you
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male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (21 December 2005):
 I only agree with one statement Irish said. Seek some guidance from family and friends. The rest is not an option. First of all it took two of you to make this baby and secondly YOU will not be the deciding factor alone, in this babies future. Yes he may not be what you want him to be that much we know. However their are two sides to every story. Why does he lie if that's what he does all the time as you put it. Does he not have a job because he can't or he's waiting on a better than below average job. Does he do things for you or just sit around doing nothing. Does he want this baby? This question bothers me because the way you made it sound is as though he doesn't deserve to be on this planet and yet you love him. WHY? There must be something to him or you wouldn't have shared yourself with him. As for a future guys mature at a different age than women so how old is he? If he's young then maybe that's the problem and he needs severe guidance. If he's older then THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM. Either way deciding on your babies future is a mutual consent between the two of you. Yes, there are many, many alternatives; however each path you choose will have great impact on YOUR life and HIS. Keeping the child and working together for the child is the best solution unless he is totally worthless. Fatherhood begins at birth and whether he likes it or not responsibility comes at that time too. The first time you hold YOUR child you become very different. What he once was may cease to exist. You may never like who he becomes or has been. But, remember this it is a 50/50 decision that the two of you must endure. Unless he's totally unfit to society then he does have rights. I suggest sitting him down and telling him that the buck stops here. Either he needs to go to McDonald's and get a job or Clean every inch of the house every day till the paint falls off. He better be supporting you SOMEHOW. Sexual support doesn't count anymore. If you need help then ask your family or friends WHO HAVE BEEN THERE DONE THAT only. If they don't offer an appropriate resolution to your needs. Seek further guidance. This should be a happy time for both of you not an all out war over who done what. Good luck. Ed
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reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (21 December 2005):
I only agree with one statement Irish said. Seek some guidance from family and friends. The rest is not an option. First of all it took two of you to make this baby and secondly YOU will not be the deciding factor alone, in this babies future. Yes he may not be what you want him to be that much we know. However their are two sides to every story. Why does he lie if that's what he does all the time as you put it. Does he not have a job because he can't or he's waiting on a better than below average job. Does he do things for you or just sit around doing nothing. Does he want this baby? This question bothers me because the way you made it sound is as though he doesn't deserve to be on this planet and yet you love him. WHY? There must be something to him or you wouldn't have shared yourself with him. As for a future guys mature at a different age than women so how old is he? If he's young then maybe that's the problem and he needs severe guidance. If he's older then THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM. Either way deciding on your babies future is a mutual consent between the two of you. Yes, there are many, many alternatives; however each path you choose will have great impact on YOUR life and HIS. Keeping the child and working together for the child is the best solution unless he is totally worthless. Fatherhood begins at birth and whether he likes it or not responsibility comes at that time too. The first time you hold YOUR child you become very different. What he once was may cease to exist. You may never like who he becomes or has been. But, remember this it is a 50/50 decision that the two of you must endure. Unless he's totally unfit to society then he does have rights. I suggest sitting him down and telling him that the buck stops here. Either he needs to go to McDonald's and get a job or Clean every inch of the house every day till the paint falls off. He better be supporting you SOMEHOW. Sexual support doesn't count anymore. If you need help then ask your family or friends WHO HAVE BEEN THERE DONE THAT only. If they don't offer an appropriate resolution to your needs. Seek further guidance. This should be a happy time for both of you not an all out war over who done what. Good luck. Ed
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male
reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (21 December 2005):
I only agree with one statement Irish said. Seek some guidance from family and friends. The rest is not an option. First of all it took two of you to make this baby and secondly YOU will not be the deciding factor alone, in this babies future. Yes he may not be what you want him to be that much we know. However their are two sides to every story. Why does he lie if that's what he does all the time as you put it. Does he not have a job because he can't or he's waiting on a better than below average job. Does he do things for you or just sit around doing nothing. Does he want this baby? This question bothers me because the way you made it sound is as though he doesn't deserve to be on this planet and yet you love him. WHY? There must be something to him or you wouldn't have shared yourself with him. As for a future guys mature at a different age than women so how old is he? If he's young then maybe that's the problem and he needs severe guidance. If he's older then THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM. Either way deciding on your babies future is a mutual consent between the two of you. Yes, there are many, many alternatives; however each path you choose will have great impact on YOUR life and HIS. Keeping the child and working together for the child is the best solution unless he is totally worthless. Fatherhood begins at birth and whether he likes it or not responsibility comes at that time too. The first time you hold YOUR child you become very different. What he once was may cease to exist. You may never like who he becomes or has been. But, remember this it is a 50/50 decision that the two of you must endure. Unless he's totally unfit to society then he does have rights. I suggest sitting him down and telling him that the buck stops here. Either he needs to go to McDonald's and get a job or Clean every inch of the house every day till the paint falls off. He better be supporting you SOMEHOW. Sexual support doesn't count anymore. If you need help then ask your family or friends WHO HAVE BEEN THERE DONE THAT only. If they don't offer an appropriate resolution to your needs. Seek further guidance. This should be a happy time for both of you not an all out war over who done what. Good luck. Ed
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2005): Of course you should be concerned..you see the future with this man and it looks grim. And I am sorry. What a fix to be in, hun-you are really stuck. You have a man who is a liar, you can't trust him which will lead to NO respect for him, if it hasn't already. What kind of future will this man offer you and this child? And what kind of role model will he be for your child? So, what are you doing giving your physical and emotional self to someone with such glaring shortcomings. Cut your losses hun. It's time for you to make some concrete, solid plans for this baby and yourself because you can't depend on him. He's a man who doesn’t know how to provide for a family. It does not matter how much you love him, he will never be there for you or the baby in the way a mother, and child need and deserve to be loved, protected and cherished. Do the right thing and give the baby two loving parents and a chance for a good future. Think about placing it up for adoption. Many agencies will care for you and the baby and make sure it has a good home. The agencies will house you during your pregnancy, find your baby a good home, and give you counseling. If you do choose to keep your child..it will be tough and you will face some challenges but it can be done. I suggest you get some support from family and trusted friends and start ensuring this child has a decent shot at a future. You are facing some very serious, important issues. Please seek counselling..gain insights and guidance. And please, in the future, stop relying on your feelings to and use your common sense to determine a loving life partner. Choose wisely. Good luck dear and keep in touch...my heart is with you.
Hugs, Irish
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