A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My fiancé went around his sister who has tested positive for covid. It makes me upset that he went around her te help her when she was having an anxiety attack I’ve never had one so I don’t personally know how they are but the fact that he went in her room hugged her for hours to calm her down and put himself at risk Is selfish he has his family to think about to , Im pregnant and I think it’s ridiculous that he exposed himself just for the attention his sister needed. Maybe I’m being rude by getting upset but I truly believe he shouldn’t of put himself at risk in that way now he can’t see me and his impídase family. Is it wrong to feel this way ? Are panic anxiety attacks 3 hours long was it wrong of me to think he’s selfish ? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 August 2020):
 Sorry, OP; I totally get why you’d be concerned as a pregnant woman, but it does sound like you’re jealous too.
Imagine if, God forbid, you got Coronavirus. Imagine the terror, panic, anxiety, trouble breathing, exhaustion, etc. Now multiply that with 100 for someone with an existing anxiety condition. She needed someone to comfort her and her brother did the right thing. You did not desperately need him and she did. Her immediate safety was at risk, yours wasn’t.
Anxiety attacks can come and go or last solidly for several hours. Logic, rationale, control and reality go out the window. You can genuinely feel like you can’t breathe and are going to die - terrified and alone. That’s why your boyfriend went to help his sister.
Would you rather he didn’t show such compassion for someone he’s known his whole life? What if, God forbid, she died from Coronavirus and the last thing he did was refuse to go to help her because of you?
I get your concern, but it pales in comparison to an anxiety attack.
I do sense underlying jealousy, though. How do you feel about his family? What about his sister? Do you fit in well with them? Are they accepting of your pregnancy? Do you/they expect marriage? I ask because it takes a particular lack of compassion to say what you have and, whilst your feelings are valid, they are indicating something about your expectations of your boyfriend and your relationship with his family.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 August 2020):
 My opinion will be unpopular ,I guess, but I want to say it: no, not only I think you are perfectly right, I even , reading your post, got a little mad on behalf not only of you and of your unborn baby, but on behalf of the people at large , in general; that's just the kind of attitude and priorities which will make Covid 19 last longer, ( and is keeping new infections in USA over 60.000 a day for the 6th day in a row, says Johns Hopkins University ).
In Italy, after a false start due to not having well assessed the situation, for once, instead than clowing around as our usual, we implemented a very hard and severe lockdown, and very stringent rules for social distancing, sanitary prevention and quarantine, and, guess what ?, it worked; now the disease has not been conquered yet, but we are down to maybe 50 new cases a day from the various thousands a day they were before everybody paid attention and obeyed the rules; and the new ones, they punctually come from " free spirits " who did the heck they wanted just like your bf and his sis.
If his sister tested positive, she is not supposed to hug anybody or to cuddle with anybody or to spend 3 hours in close proximity with anybody. She is supposed to be in isolation, at her domicile, or in hospital according to the cases , until she tests negative again ( Here , she should test negative twice in a row, at a week's distance ).
It's lamentable that she was scared and experienced shortness of breath and a sense of suffocation, - but that's probably what the people that may be infected through her may have feel for all the rest of their life; Covid 19 is not just a matter of escaping death, that's the easy part, the hard one is the negative consequences , cardio-respiratory and neurological.
As for pregnant women, although it does not seem that they are more vulnerable to being infected than other women, the possibility , in fact the relatively high incidence of fetal transmission has just been demonstrated. Not to mention the possibility for the child to catch the disease from an infected mother during childbirth or right after.
I am neither able nor willing to debate if panic attacks are really very serious or not so much, - but that's not the point. The point is that a person who tested positive for Covid, and is supposed to be in isolation and not even remotely risk to infect other people , should not call family if they've got some ailment they can't handle by themselves :they should call their doctor, or their hospital, or their paramedics unit- or whatever organization or institution they have been instructed to call, but never their brother with a pregnant wife !
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (3 August 2020):
Sorry, OP; I totally get why you’d be concerned as a pregnant woman, but it does sound like you’re jealous too.
Imagine if, God forbid, you got Coronavirus. Imagine the terror, panic, anxiety, trouble breathing, exhaustion, etc. Now multiply that with 100 for someone with an existing anxiety condition. She needed someone to comfort her and her brother did the right thing. You did not desperately need him and she did. Her immediate safety was at risk, yours wasn’t.
Anxiety attacks can come and go or last solidly for several hours. Logic, rationale, control and reality go out the window. You can genuinely feel like you can’t breathe and are going to die - terrified and alone. That’s why your boyfriend went to help his sister.
Would you rather he didn’t show such compassion for someone he’s known his whole life? What if, God forbid, she died from Coronavirus and the last thing he did was refuse to go to help her because of you?
I get your concern, but it pales in comparison to an anxiety attack.
I do sense underlying jealousy, though. How do you feel about his family? What about his sister? Do you fit in well with them? Are they accepting of your pregnancy? Do you/they expect marriage? I ask because it takes a particular lack of compassion to say what you have and, whilst your feelings are valid, they are indicating something about your expectations of your boyfriend and your relationship with his family.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2020): I don’t think you’re selfish here! Contrary to the others, I think you feel vulnerable being pregnant during a pandemic (rightfully so) and you feel like your fiancé picked his sister over you. This probably makes you worry for the future and how he will juggle everyone. If she had COVID & he spent time with her, he needs to quarantine away from all others for 14 days and get tested.
I think this is a tough situation all around, because no matter what he did, he’d be hurting someone he cared for. But I’ll say it louder for the people in the back— having needs does NOT make you selfish. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I would talk to your fiancé, explain your concerns, and see how he reacts. As much as the situation sucks, he’s obviously a caring and loyal man. Hang in there and be well!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): Is your boyfriend's sister seeing a reputable licensed-therapist regarding her anxiety attacks, or a psychiatrist who can prescribe sedatives for severe panic-attacks? I've never known hugs as a prescribed course of therapy when a patient is in crisis. Although it is good for calming people.
You might be the one being somewhat selfish. Would you not be very concerned if one or more of your closest family-members tested positive for the Covid-19 virus? There is a probability of the disease being fatal, and you might not ever see that loved-one again! You will now have to take protective precautions to protect your unborn-child. Bear this in-mind. Front-line workers and health-professionals have to quarantine from their families to help people not even remotely-related. I think a family-emergency qualifies for some measured-risk; but demands precautions as recommended by the CDC! Recklessness can be fatal. I hope you both remember this, and you don't insist on being around him knowing what you know!
I think he was more concerned for her than himself; but in hindsight he should have been more mindful of how he can spread the virus by unauthorized-contact. He's not a licensed healthcare or mental-healthcare worker; so he wouldn't really have known what necessary medical course of action to take to help his sister. It would have been better to call an EMT, or have taken her to the emergency room; rather than to spend hours in close-contact. They might have given her a mild sedative. As long as he quarantines himself from you and others for 14 days; all will be fine. If he becomes infected and is determined to have any underlying health-problems; that would be most unfortunate. If his sister is known to be suicidal or capable of doing something rash, his presence might have even saved her life! It is not wrong for you to be upset, but it is wrong for you not to show compassion.
I will not fault or blame him for caring and taking the risk; although I understand your concerns and being protective of your pregnancy. I have to remind women all the time; that boyfriends are not held to the high standards and responsibilities of husbands. They are not joined by a bond that is legally, morally, and officially expected to last until death. He has only a good-faith agreement upheld by his honor and promise to be faithful. Having a baby with you is not a substitute for that. He can freely choose between addressing his family-issues apart from his connection and commitment to you and your expected-child. If he was a husband, he'd have to recognize his vows; and place the safety and well-being of his wife and family first. That's the undisputed duty of a husband, not a boyfriend.
I don't think you have much to worry about having a man willing to risk his own life out of love. You'll have to wait a couple of weeks before he can safely join you again. That's better than having the type of guy who'll abandon you altogether; for no reason but to shuck his responsibilities.
Try to be understanding. I'm not unsympathetic to your worries; nor am I comparing the safety of your unborn-child to his sister's panic-attack. There is no comparison! Please try to remain calm and not to let yourself get too upset. He knows you and the baby are fine. His sister needed help! He acted on impulse and out of love!
I hope all will be well for everyone; you, your baby, your boyfriend, and his sister. May God bless and protect all of you!
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (29 July 2020):
 OP, I understand that you are pregnant and want your boyfriend around but as Honeypie stated, unless there are complications or you are due to give birth anytime please be understanding about your boyfriend and his concern for his sister. Perhaps it wasn't the smartest thing he could have done considering everything but he obviously loves his sister and felt she needed him more than you at that given moment.
As a person who has suffered from panic attacks since I was 21, let me tell you..they aren't fun. They are horrorific and can last for hours. I have had several in one day. At one point mine were so bad that I terrified to leave my home, absolutely sure that I would have a heart attack and die out in public. A panic attack is nothing to be scoffed at. I realize that people that have never had one can't truly understand what they are like but trust me..being in the midst of one you can feel like you are dying.
This pandemic has even the calmest people on edge and if you are prone to panic attacks, what is going on right now will easily send you into a tailspin. I have had my anxiety under control for years but this whole situation has truly frightened me and I have to keep a tight lid on my emotions and limit the time I look at the media or it will easily push me over into being a basket case.
I hope your boyfriend's sister gets well quickly, I hope he tests negative and come be by your side again soon. Please try to look at from the point of view that your boyfriend is a giving caring man and he will treat you with the same kind of love that he gives to his sister. Be well and good luck with your pregnancy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): I hope my answer will be published... because I disagree with those who say that you are 100% exaggerating.
Panic attacks are real and serious. However, his sister might have been overreacting and seeking attention. Who knows what was really going on.
Her brother is not her shrink or her doctor. When someone has this kind of serious attacks if possible should be see a professional. Three hours IS a lot.
Maybe that's their thing. Maybe your hubby is a "savior" type. But these are COVID times and that's a game changer.
I think that he, with all the best intentions, has handled the situation poorly. He could have talked her down, called an ambulance... Exposing himself to a virus was extremely reckless.
What he needs to do now is probably something that he cannot do. Self-isolate (and I do not mean in a room at your home) and wait for two weeks before being in contact with anyone else.
My sister suffers from serious panic attacks and has been refusing to see a therapist. Covid has considerably aggravated her condition. I talked to her on the phone FOR HOURS every day, because I do want to help her, BUT I had no intention of going to see her, and that is what I had told her from the beginning.
As we were growing up I had to learn to set the boundaries in order for her not to drain me. It was hard. But she accepted them, because that was the healthy thing to do.
Helping someone is not about self-sacrifice. When she got better, I told her, but this time I was firm, that she should see a shrink, because not everyone will always be available to her. What would have happened if I had fallen ill? So advising someone to seek professional help is for their own benefit.
Now.
Back to you.
You're husband is obviously, as others have noted, a caring person that has a high tolerance for demanding people, meaning that he can put up with their BS for longer than normally people would. Are you one of those demanding people?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2020):
 I think UNLESS you are having a difficult pregnancy where you NEED to have someone around or you re about to "drop" a baby, you are being a bit selfish.
Having a panic attack is beyond debilitating. I seriously doubt anyone would "fake" one for attention and certainly NOT for 3 hours.
OBVIOUSLY she needed someone there. Someone who IS willing to sit and hold her for as long as she needed.
She has tested positive for Covid, OK... When? He went around and DID what a GOOD caring family member would have done, helped her out. He now needs to stay in self quarantine for 2 week and then get tested and retested to ensure, he won't pass this on to you or anyone else.
He didn't do this to put you at risk, he did it because he wanted to make sure his sister is OK. You make it sound like she did it for drama and attention. Trust me, NO ONE has a panic attack on purpose.
I get that it's an interruption to your daily routine and that Covid is scary, but seriously, ANYONE can catch Covid, even going to the store. It's not like she got Covid on purpose and then made drama about it. You are pregnant, not an invalid. You can do this. Try not to stress about this and focus on preparing for the new little one and keeping calm.
He made a choice OUT of care for his sister. Whether STRANGERS on the Internet (us) agree with him or you is kind of irrelevant. He did what he FELT he had to do. It doesn't mean she means more to him than you and the baby, it doesn't mean he isn't thinking about the consequences of BOTH Covid and her having a panic attack on her own.
Chin up, keep calm and stay safe
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): I would be fuming with my boyfriend if he did that while I was pregnant, if he planned to come back to the house again afterwards. He could have phoned her or Skyped her or comforted her through a window or at a safe distance. I have anxiety;I know that a panic attack wont kill me (even if it feels like it in that instant); coronavirus could. Make sure you keep a good distance from him for a week or so in case he develops any symptoms. I'm sure he did it with best intentions but he needs to keep himself and his family safe too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 July 2020):
 I think the only selfish one here is you actually. If you think panic/anxiety attacks are just a form of attention seeking, you need to educate yourself on mental health. If you or someone you care about ever has one, you will find out just how debilitating they can be. I have only ever had one (relatively mild) panic attack (when I got a phone call to tell me my mother had died unexpectedly) and still remember the sheer feeling of terror at the time. I am usually a strong person but honestly thought I was going to die there and then. Due to the Covid situation, many more people are suffering with mental health issues and I can totally understand someone who has been diagnosed as positive having one out of sheer fear and worry if they were already anxious.
Is there normally competition between you and your boyfriend's family for his attention? He sounds like a wonderful brother and a sensitive caring man so, while I do get (to a degree) why you are upset with him, I think you are seeing this situation purely from your own point of view. I am sure he weighed up the implications of his actions and decided that, on balance, his sister's safety was paramount at that moment in time. I hope she doesn't get too ill and that she makes a full recovery. Whether he was there for 3 minutes or 3 hours isn't really relevant; the exposure is the same.
Your boyfriend is a special caring human being. I am sure you are aware of that. Instead of giving him a hard time, try to show some support, just as I am sure he will to you once he can get back to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): A lot of people who claim to have panic attacks do not really have them at all, they have no idea of how awful they are. Nowdadays everyone talks from the point of view of making things sound as bad as possible, often with little or no real knowledge of the subject they are speaking of. Hence anyone who is a bit down or having a bad day claims they have depression! Anyone who is going through a boring time says this is depression, and people who are a bit agitated or worried say they are having a panic attack. A real panic attack is very physical, the person is shaking, sweating, often being sick, so it would not be a case of someone being able to cuddle them for three hours - not even for five minutes.
And what was she panicking about? People who have real panic attacks often do not know why, they are not actually anxious about anything, it has nothing to do with worrying thoughts, it is physical. The treatment for it is often long and serious sessions and/or tranquillisers. If a so called panic attack can suddenly come on and disappear three hours later that is not a panic attack.
But anyway that is not the point. The point is that your boyfriend should be making sure he stays a safe distance from people with the virus about. Unfortunately I have seen this happening often over the past few months. I know someone who is intelligent and cautious about not going near strangers but if her grand kids want her to visit and hug her she thinks that is different, when they are just as likely to have it as the strangers. People are often totally illogical and turn a blind eye when it suits them.
But you chose your boyfriend, you chose to get pregnant by him. You would have known if he is logical, intelligent, cautious, careful, responsible first surely?
If not it would have been safer and wiser to make sure you did not get pregnant until you knew he was going to make a suitable parent and partner.
...............................
|
