A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I went on a date today having chatted to this guy for over a year. He had told me he’d meet up several times but he was very busy so it kept being put off. I was really surprised when at the weekend he asked “ so ok when we doing drinks?” Anyway fast forward to the date today I go he’s lovely but a little on the feminine side, we’ve chatted through text loads but never on a call (hate talking on the phone) and I never picked up on that. I think ok he’s a little camp and reminded me of a gay guy that I know just in the style of talking and mannerisms. Nothing wrong with that but I thought it would be something I’d have to work on getting used to if we were having a second date. In the middle of the date he’s showing me pictures on his phone and he hands it over to me and while I have it a notification comes up saying he received a new message on the GROWLr app. I have no clue what that is and thought I’ll check that out later wonder is it another dating app. Date goes pretty well and I get home and get texts that he had such a great time and it was lovely to finally meet up. I check google and it was a gay dating app...I’m so confused. Why is he meeting me? I’m just so gutted I had high hopes and he’s been texting since the date but I don’t know how to address it. Do I ghost him or do I say I seen it and hear his explanation? I’m embarrassed at my naivety once again
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 July 2020):
 I forgot to add, it's really NONE of your business what apps he has on his phone. You ARE NOT dating him.
Take this behavior as a GOOD hint for you to wish him well and move on. No need to "confront" a person you have "talked" to for a year.
Maybe this is why you two haven't met up sooner? Because he has been way busy on his app meeting up with other people...
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 July 2020):
 The time to have walked away was months ago, when he kept putting off meeting up. NOBODY is busy for a year. Nobody. He had other things (people) on the go, hence not being bothered about meeting up with you. He's obviously at a loose end, so he has finally made time for you.
In your shoes I would end this ersatz relationship immediately, walk away and not look back. If he's messing around on gay sites, he's either gay, bi or curious. Whichever, it does not bode well for you.
Find yourself someone who actually wants to meet you as soon as possible, then take it from there. This guy is not for you. You can do better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): I think you have sufficient evidence to just wish him well and discontinue any further contact.
I wouldn't even concern myself with what his motives are, or what his sexual-orientation is; because it doesn't align with what you're looking for. That would be a masculine heterosexual-guy; who doesn't get hits or messages on gay-dating sites. You already have a gay-friend; so you're seeking dates for a heterosexual-romance. You're not recruiting gay-men and running a fag-hag service; so don't allow him to waste either of your time. As a gay-man, that's my advice.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 July 2020):
He might be BI. Or gay and in denial.
Also, a WHOLE year of texting before setting up a date? That (to me) doesn't sound like a guy who is REALLY interested in dating you.
Being effeminate doesn't automatically make him GAY. Some men are more masculine, some are more effeminate, some are right down the middle. Same with women.
But being on a gay dating app... PROBABLY mean what you think, that he is STILL looking for something, and something YOU can't offer as a woman.
Why did you let it go a whole year? Did you not think to keep looking? Date someone else?
And while I get not liking to talk on the phone YOU CAN NOT conduct a courtship or relationship over text, that is ridiculous to think!
I'd probably skip this one. You are already finding "flaws" that you "I’d have to work on getting used to" if you get more dates.... I don't think that is how it works. My spider-sense would be all a tingle. I don't think it's really want to waste any more time on a guy who is ALSO on gay dating apps. I don't see that being compatible with wanting a straight relationship.
If you DO want to go on a second date, are you going to wait another year for that? Or have you expressed that you would like to see him again already?
And are you sure it was a DATE? Going for drinks?
I'd let him know that you would like to go for a date and see what he says. IF he is wanting to date you he will plan a date, if he is hoping for a female friend and confidant... he'll suggest going for drinks or something a little less date-like.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 July 2020):
 I would not ghost him, I can see why your confused. It sounds like the date went well, and he seemed to be making all the right noises.
Maybe go on another date, see how that goes, then just casualy throw in there, " so what is it your looking for then" his answer to this question will give you a fair indication of where you will be heading with him, in relationship terms.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2020): Everyone dates for different reasons and very often they do not see those dates as dates. Lots of people will meet up just to try to get sex or because they are bored and lonely or have a spare few hours to fill in. Of course they are not going to tell that to the people they meet.
What interests me is that this guy has been too busy to meet for quite a while yet you were still interested. What is the point of wanting to meet a person who is usually too busy to meet? That is a bit like saying you want a long distance relationship or a part time casual thing? Unless this guy works very, very long hours seven days a week he was not too busy, he just preferred to meet other people. He had you on a list of people to maybe meet some time in the future, not a priority.
I cannot see why anyone who wants a serious full time relationship would want to date someone who is often too busy to meet them - whatever the reason.
And then when it did suit him to meet you you jump to it and meet him instantly when it suits him. As if you are at his beck and call and you are never busy. Would it not have been more sensible to be "too busy" when he suddenly wanted to fit you into his busy schedule? And make him wait a bit, so that he does not take you for granted?
As for him being gay. My partner is a bit effeminate in his movements and the way he thinks and speaks. But he is totally straight, or I would not have been with him for years.
It takes time to get to know someone and we should always have our own list of deal breakers. If he cannot tick off those he should be off the list of potential boyfriends. Once you do everything his way and always dance to his tune you are lost.
The biggest mistake most women make is to jump into bed with a guy they do not know and then say they are in a relationship when it is not a relationship at all, there is no love, no commitment, nothing, they have simply allowed this man to enjoy them, and then he probably disappears, usually because he thinks the woman is too easy and boring. Yet they think because they allowed the man to enjoy them once or twice they are entitled to know all of the inner most workings of his brain and hold him to whatever he said and whatever they were hoping for.
Please do not make that same mistake.
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