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female
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*lueeyes
writes: My partner and I have been together two years. He has only said 'I love you' to me once, in the very begining. He says he doesn't know if he loves me and he says 'sometimes I do', but he never actually says those three little words.We argue a bit about the fact he's always working.I rang him the other day at work and he said he'd ring me back in a minute, as he was talking. As he hung the phone up I heard him groan to the guy he was talking to about me calling him. This made me so upset as I would never badmouth him to a colleauge or anyone ever, as I love him. I now feel like a joke cos he could be badmouthing me to people and when I'm with him and we see them, God knows what they think. I brought it up later with him and he said I was only calling him to nag him about it! He didn't say sorry or anything and hung up on me. Whenever I talk to him about an issue I have. he says I'm nagging, but he thinks he's allowed to moan at me about something he doesn't like that I've done. He makes a big thing out of shopping together. In the supermarket he stomps off and takes ages, leaving me with the trolley and I try to enjoy it with him, but he always ends up shouting at me for anything he can think of that's not good enough.I know these things probably sound stupid but I feel so bad inside. I feel so inadequate and useless to him and it hurts cos when we have a nice time it's great but most of the time I'm on eggshells waiting for the next thing to erupt. He won't have a convo about anything cos he ends up hating me.What should I do, do you think?My mates say if he doesn't love you after this long, leave him (but that's easier said than done).
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female
reader, carly +, writes (28 September 2005):
if you dont leave your husband now things between you will be that bad that you will not only hate your husband he will drive you to hate yoursef.once this has happened there is nothing left.so pap him out on his ass.
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reader, Angel-lee +, writes (23 September 2005):
Finish with him! i know its hard, i was with someone for 5 years since i was 14 years of age, i loved him so so much, it hurt when he left me, my heart was beating for him, i cant explain how i felt for him, i adored every part of him. He treated me exactly the same, he just wasnt nice to me, he wasnt committed. Eventually he split up with me! and it was the best thing! i cried for months but then i met someone else who treated my like i have never been treated, i am still with him now, he treats me like a queen. I know that its harder said than done but its the right thing to do, dont waste your life like i did! now i look back i still fancy him but i realise how lucky i am to be out of the relationship, he wasnt the one for me.
I know its hard and i know how much it hurts...(it hurts so bad doesnt it) but you need to make that break! finish it, he will never change! they never do!
Who knows, if you put your foot down, he might come running back but do it for you. Dont take any rubbish from him, be an independent women and fight back. He will soon realise what he's missing and by that time he would have lost you already.
You will meet someone else who cares about you a million times more! i know at the moment you cant see that far ahead, but you will!
Like my grandad used to say "dont let the bast**ds get you down!" you are strong, you just have to start believing in yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2005): You are in a dysfunctional, abusive relationship, my dear.
I strongly advise you NOT to stay in this emotionally abusive relationship because your self-esteem is plummeting and it just going to get worse. Although words don’t leave physical bruises, their blows puncture your soul and the scars are permanent.
You're boyfriend has no respect for you, very little for himself. He has some big problems and you’ve got yourself a bad situation, here. Under no circumstances whatsoever is it okay for your boyfriend, the guy with whom you are supposed to share a mutual respect and love, to badmouth you to his friends, shout at you, and treat you in such a derogatory manner. It is unforgivable and inconceivable to me that he would treat YOU so maliciously and cruel. You have to know, this is NOT love.
If there is one thing I have learned through the years, it is that people don’t change. While it is possible for your boyfriend to modify his behavior, this would involve him admitting his problems and then seeking help for them. This takes self-understanding, determination and a desire to change. Imagine for a moment what kind of man you want to marry, and what kind of father you want for your children. What characteristics does this man possess? Now think about the man you currently have. I hope the differences are profound.
Demanding the respect you deserve from him will prove fruitless at this point, I think. That should have been done right at the start of this relationship. One should never, ever accept your anyone's mistreatment of them. In any relationship, kindness, compassion and consideration should be of utmost importance, not to mention the basic foundation. I know it’s difficult and scary, but get out of this relationship now. It will not get better. The put-downs will get worse, and your pain will intensify. He is a self-serving, selfish man who is incapable of love and he does NOT love you, dear.
A better man is out there for you. Get out of this relationship so you can go find him. It will be tough but in time, you will not regret it. I also suggest you do some research, read books, look on the net and find out
"what a healthy relationship really is". Once you do that, you will never, ever tolerate this type of treatment from any man again. I wish you well..be strong and take of yourself.
Hugs,
Irish
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female
reader, Happygoddess +, writes (21 September 2005):
I think you are carrying around alot of personal baggage that is causing you to stay with this loser. I have to agree with Rebecca on this: it is time for you to move on. Remember that everything he does is showing you who he really is, and I honestly am disgusted by how he treats you. Stop feeling bad and start getting pissed off!! You deserve better.
Once you cut it off with him, please consider finding someone professional you can talk to about why you have such low self-esteem. Even if you don't cut it off, please for your own sake find someone to talk to :) Good luck!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (21 September 2005):
 I'm afraid I'm going to be really really harsh here. Dump him. He sounds like a very unpleasent guy who doesn't respect how you feel at all, who hardly offers you anything from having a relationship with him (such as love and a demonstration of that affection), who has lowered your self esteem, who treats you like a doormat, who is selfish, who doesn't see you as a priority in his life, who doesn't allow you to voice how you feel and who possibly has such a lack of respect for you, he bad mouths you to others. It is hardly surprising you feel worthless and inadequate. You deserve so much better, really you do. He doesn't know how lucky he is to be with you.
He has told you he loves you just the once and that was at the beginning if the relationship which may have just been a ploy to get you to be with him. I'm sorry, but this guy just doesn't deserve any adoration from you. He just can't cope with a woman who wishes to express herself and interprets it as nagging because he can't face up to the truth of how he is behaving.
It really isn't just about him not loving you after all this time; it is more about how he treats you. Possibly a dog would be treated better. I'm really sorry to be so abrupt but unless he recognises his appalling behaviour and seriously does something about it, then you will carry on feeling unloved, unwanted and simply awful.
Try to talk to him once more, try to explain how you feel. If he doesn't respond, if he accuses you of nagging, if he hangs up on you, etc, etc, then get rid of him and have nothing further to do with him.
Remember, there are plenty of guys out there who will treat you like a princess. He will continue to treat you like something he found on the bottom of his shoe if you let him. Be strong, be assertive and tell him what you think. Don't be timid, let him know and if he refuses to change, leave him. The bad times are outweighing the good so he doesn't deserve your committment to him.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you.
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