A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please help as i going mad. I seem to be obsessed with trying to find someone. Im on a few dating web site and im constantly looking to see if i have any messages and get so dispointed if i dont. I just am so lonely and my life feels so boring. I just cant seem to enjoy anything.without me thinkin id would love someone here with me. Im crying out for someone to love me. I go out and really want to get noticed . I do get alot of attention and my friends tell me how pretty i am. But im just finding it so hard to meet someone. I had a very hard time when i was with my ex. We spilt up 5 months ago he run me down.he didnt believe in being in a epual relationship.my self esteem is rock bottom im on anti depressants.he called me names made me feel beneath him. And yet i craved attention from him. I did everything for him and he walked over me. Im so hurt by this. I feelm damaged and just cant see that other men wont treat me like this.i cant see out the box. I have a 4 year daughter who i feel i am not being a great mum to. I feel so selfish as i just seem to panic about being single and cant consentrate on anything else.i just want that family life.i just cant seem to get the motavation to get up do anything.go anywhere. If i go out i look at all the couples and wish it was me. If i stay in i get so lonely and think bout my ex what hes doing all the time.i found out he joined a dating site so of course i think great he will find someone and be happy and im so unhappy. He will charm them and they will think he lovely. But hes not and hes caused alot of my problems.and he dont even realise! Why am i bothered what hes doing so much? When he made me so unhappy.i was great to him why couldnt he give me respect.even though he filled my head with i love u so much.i miss u. Never felt this way. Does he say this to every girl. I thought i was special but im destroyed inside. Help im going insane.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2009): Try e-harmony. It is great fun! I am also trying to find someone to but,I'm still looking. I'll find someone though! So don't give up.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): I feel sorry for you, reading your story.
I agree with the people who are telling you that you are not ready for a new relation, because you are too emotional for what you have experienced in your former relation.
When you are emotional, you cannot think clear and healthy and you will attract the wrong men or be not critical enough or even being too critical.
You have a lovely daughter of 4 years old, take care yourself for her, be happy for her, it's not her mistake that you and your ex broke up.
Forget what your ex did to you, if he is happy or not should not bother you, as long as you are busy with thinking at is happiness or wishing unhappiness, your mind will not be free and it blocks your own happiness.
Act normal when he comes to take your daughter and show that you are strong.
Now the next subject about your new life and your future partner.
You MUST take care to only think what you expect to find in your new partner and do not make the mistake to think what you do NOT want because you will get the opposite.
This is the law of the subconsciousness, because your subconsciousness is not recognizing the word 'not'.
For example, if you had a husband who was violent, you can not think 'that you never ever' want 'a guy anymore who was hitting'.
You will known about the 'phenomenon' ohhh She is always falling for the wrong guys which are violent. NO, SHE IS THINKING THE WRONG MANNER (because she is so emotional about the subject).
She should think: I want a guy who is lovely and taking care of me and be lovely to my daughter. (a guy like this is not violent).
I tell you how I did:
I made list of what I expected from my future wife and completed day by day.
Every morning I prayed the list and asked for the perfect woman and for the woman for who I will be perfect (you do not have to be religious but when you ask and turn your handpalm, you can feel the power).
And...she found me... (after repeating every day for a year and quite a few intense short-term relations.
If you wish I can search and send you my list with 'requirements' that I used finding my perfect partner:).
I wish you the best and the power to became a happy woman again, self confident and be loved by a partner for who you are 'the most important person in the world'.
He is around somewhere on this planet.
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A
male
reader, Ed1337 +, writes (19 February 2009):
 I would have to agree with Ceberus, it sounds like you need to get over your ex before you think about moving on. You mentioned him a lot in your question, and you even said yourself "Why am i bothered what hes doing so much?"When I finished with my ex I went straight onto a dating site hoping to find miss right, so she could take away my pain, but I realised that I was better off being single until I could get my head straight. I went back on a dating site recently and i've started to chat to someone who seems really nice and I now have her mob number :)Being single can be lonely, but think of all the good things you can do now, without worrying about anyone else, apart from your daughter. In time you will realise that your better off without him and you would tell him to get lost if he asked you back, thats when you know your over someone.
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A
female
reader, shiraz * +, writes (19 February 2009):
hiyah, your not going mad your just really low right now and from justthe bits youve said i can understand why! firstly your ex is out of your life. leave him there. hes no help towrds you or your daughter, in the past all hes done is make you worse and tried to change you into a different person, which your not and the real fighter you once were has signs of coming back. be yourself again. dont worry what hes doing who hes with, have sympathy for them if anything! he seems like one that will never change (and im not usally as quick to judge just some of the things you said) so let him go and find yourself again.At the moment its like the bloody season for couples and yes its hard when your on your own but all the love your craving rather than finding any guy to give it you wait for the right one and its likely to last a whole lot longer, be a lot stronger and more genuine, something you (and everyone) needs in there life. Someone once said to me 'stop looking and he will find you' now im still waiting but god ive had my fun in between. dont jump straight for serious, i dont feel you need that most right now. being serious with someone you dont know well, yet your making do with wont help you at all. your feeling so emotional inside after everything as youve been damaged and sometimes you cant cover it any more, that doenst make you a weak or bad person it makes you human. you have a daughter who probably loves you to pieces but the world is looking so crap to you right now your missing that. shes young, this is her childhood, she needs you and you only right now. spend time with her, you need to be strong for not only yourself but your little girl.you have a family, its not full yet but youve started to make your own family, love what youve got for now and the rest will fall into place when the time is ready. youve been through worse than this, this is a minor set back in your life where you need to pick yourself up and think come on i can do this, i need to do this.your ex has used up so much of your past, dont let him take your future. its hard but i think deep down you know where your head needs to be right now. your an independant person although you might not see it yet, after your past youve had no choice to but use this to your advantage. you can make yourself what you want now, you can be the person you want to. your in a good situation yet you cant see past the darkness yet. im not going to be oh theres light at the end of the tunnel because i dont believe in all that, all im saying is hang on for the rest of the ride. its like when your on a rollercoaster, youve got over the huge drop but you have to finish the ride, now your over the worst your almost ready to get off. Not the best example i know but its just one way of seeing things! you know yourself and your own life better than anyone. No one can tell you what to do which way to go its your descion now. your the one that can take control. Go be a great mum and enjoy it, dont waste your time on finding a guy who has a 50/50 chance of being a wrong one, your daughter is worth more than that and deep down i know you know that. sorry ive gone on for soo long. best of luck xxx
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A
male
reader, anoms +, writes (19 February 2009):
 5 months is a long time to worry about an ex, in these occations its best we judge our partners by their actions and not just some hollow "i love you"s try to get your head around the things he said because its effortless for guys to say these things and if they feel the return is much greater, then they will have no qualms about using it.so many young ladies get jealous with the thought that their ex partners are charming their way into other peoples beds in the same fashion, what these guys do isnt a skill and they're definitely not gentlemen. you can't just change people like that and make them love you, they have no conscience over good or bad, just themselves and what they are getting out of the relationship. and as for the online dating, i wouldnt come accross as being needy in any way, dont metion your ex at all because thats an immediate turn off, and im sure even a decent guy would sense a no-go area with this. be youself and dont get too clingy, be available but not desperate, and make sure you have some nice pics with and a good smile, stay confident and true, good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): It doesn't seem like you are over your ex at all yet and you are looking for a man to comfort you and fill the void he left you with.
I'm afraid to say you have lost perspective on things and in a big way. The reasons you are so desperate to find love are the wrong ones and it's hurting you, things will only get worse until you take a step back and realize that you have first build up your self esteem, confidence and take the time to get over what happened with him. You have to recover first and get your life sorted.
It's not easy but you have to, you have to learn to be happy with yourself and your situation regardless of whether you have a man or not.
It is quite obvious to us guys when we meet a girl in your situation and nice guys will steer clear because it's too much for them, the only men you're likely to attract in your vulnerable state, are assholes and abusers looking for a vulnerable victim and you'll be left in the same (if not worse) situation.
When you sort out your head and regain perspective you'll be able to date from a "position of strength" again and you're more likely that way to meet a nice guy and less likely to get hurt.
Personally I don't agree with anti-depressants, they're a chemical solution to a mental problem and they only relieve the symptoms, they don't actually solve the underlying problem.
If you can't do this alone find someone to help you, but I assure you that a new man is not the answer.
Good Luck and I hope things work out for you.
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