A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what category this comes under, to say my life feels like a mess right now, would be an understatement. I'm desperate for advice or words of wisdom.Have been married fifteen years now and it all started about two years ago, when I found out my husband was watching porn on the internet. I confronted him, we thrashed it out, we moved on. He was being 'intimate' with one woman in particular via facebook about eighteen months ago, this we did argue about, as I told him how foolish he was being given that all and sundry could see who he was communicating with, sending flirty pressies and kisses - you know the sort of thing, and that it was being disrepectful not only to me but our children. And more to the point this person was real and he knows her. He said nothing was going on other than flirting. Even though he was speaking to her on a daily basis on the phone, sometimes as often as three times a day (itemised phone bills)I told him, because it's true, that I doubt that I would be able to trust what he tells me and that I didn't want to hear how much he loved me blah blah, and that I doubt that our marriage would be the same because of this.As a result of feeling 'cheated on', I logged on to a website and got chatting to a guy, nothing sexual, just general day to day chat. Cut a long story short, he's married with children and he was going through a smiliar situation - not sure about his wife - is she seeing someone else etc. Anyway we met for a drink and we have built up a really good friendship. No my husband doesn't know.Won't deny this - I have very strong feelings for this man, I know it's not going to develop into anything more, because I know from our conversations how much he loves his wife and truly I wouldn't want to lose the friendship we have - I digress.In the past three weeks I have also started flirting online with another man and this is sexual. This came about when I found out about my husband visiting the porn sites again. My husband seems to be trying to arrange meetings for sex - I know because I've seen the messages, I've seen the messages because I snooped, I snooped because I don't trust him.Knowing what I know, has made the contact that I am having with the online guy very exciting and what I'm trying to say is - that I am tempted to meet this man!In a nutshell:I am no better than my husband as I have made a friend via a dating site,I'm having very intimate 'conversations' with another man and I'm tempted to go further.I'm doing everything I hate my husband doing!I believe my marriage is over. My husband says he doesn't want us to break up, but still continues to try and arrange meetings with women online.If I haven't confused everyone and you're able to make sense of this please tell me:Where do I go from here?
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female
reader, ShellBell  +, writes (30 May 2010):
Hmm . .sounds like my situation.My husband cheats on me big time. There have been countless women over the years. He has bought them cars, etc. I've caught him time after time for him to repeat.Basically, my marriage is trash and I should file for divorce. After 8 years of lying, I could NOT possibly trust him again.I have meet someone unfortunately and it puts the bad shoe on my foot. He is awesome and he could be the one. He values Fidelity strongly and we have a lot in common. I realize that I should have left first but it didn't happen that way.SO, my advise to you is to. . .devote yourself to working it with your husband or leave. Paying him back will not give you satisfaction in the long run. You don't need a stinking man anyway!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi. I think what you are doing online is just papering the cracks and you clearly dont feel very proud of yourself for being little better than your husband. Rescue your dignity. Come off the internet, delete phone numbers and concentrate on the problems you have with your husband, dont add to them! Sit him down for a good talk. Hes being unfaithful to you and he obviousy isnt going to stop. Tell him what needs to happen for you to be happy, even if that means splitting up. Hes making you unhappy and now you are justifying behaving no better than him. Thats not a marriage. Youve both lost your way due to his lack of morals, so take control and sort out the mess with him now. You have children to think of. They need to be able to respect atleast one of you. So pull your boot straps up and sort things out with your husband before worrying about seeing other men. All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Definitely time to call it quits. Neither of you seems dedicated to the marriage and while everyone can disagree flirting, on or offline, when it is hurtful and disrespectful is not a way to treat someone you love and care for. I'm afraid you are victims of the ease at which online relationships can develop but ultimately they would not happen if a marriage was solid or right. I would make your plans and leave - you need some time to reflect but stooping to his level is pointless.
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A
female
reader, nicollieollie  +, writes (3 October 2009):
I think you should tell your husband you know he is trying to meet for sex. Tell him you are leaving him. and tell him also that you have found someone who has potential. This should hopefully make him see what he has and what he can lose. I think once your man sees that another man can possibly have you, he will fiercly want you to himself. If he continues, you should leave him because alot of the time infidelity continues on and on.. good luck 3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): Me personally, I don't believe in tit for tat. Just because he is engaging in this type of behavior doesn't mean that you should start engaging in that of behavior as well. Don't get me wrong, your husband is absolutely in the wrong for getting involved with these women via the internet. Regardless as to what is going on in the marriage, he should not step outside of the marriage because of it. If he was unhappy about any situations that is going on in the marriage, he should have had "the conversation". No one seems to do that anymore. It appears that everyone does everything else humanly possible except for expressing what the real issues are at hand. Before you start a relationship with another man, at least see if your marriage can be salvaged. If it can't, find the best lawyer possible, get a divorce, and then you can see whomever you please with a clear conscience.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): go to a lawyer, then to a papers to possibly look for a new place... its been over for a long while. the porn is beside the point... men masturbate in their heads as well as on the net... the meeting and flirting with real women is way out of line....
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (3 October 2009):
 There is nothing left to salvage here. Start moving on. I think you already knew that. You said "I believe my marriage is over." But even if you had not said that I would have told you the same thing: there is nothing left to salvage in this marriage. It got rotten from the moment he started making advances toward that first woman. And it kept spiraling downward to the point to where neither of you can, or should have any reason to, trust each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): You've told your husband that you have issues with his behaviour, but he hasn't been willing to change. You've gone tit-for-tat, and now you're as close to cheating as he seems to be. You have children, who I would presume are teenagers.
The first question is, do you want to save your marriage? Are you willing to work hard to do so?
Next, is your husband willing?
It sounds to me like you need good, professional marriage counselling. You need to find out what's driving his behaviour, make him understand how destructive it is to the relationship, and see if he has any genuine willingness to change. It goes without saying that you would have to change your behaviour as well. If you can't both recommit to your marriage vows then you're probably right, the marriage is over.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): That's a very good question. Thinking logically, I'd say to tell your husband about the feelings you're having about meeting up with this latest guy. If he thinks that's fine, then your marriage is indeed over. The alternative would be for you to stop doing this if he does too. Put the ball in his court and ask him where you go from here.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 October 2009):
This marriage is over. If he won't stop trying to meet other women over the internet, there really isn't much hope and more fool him. You need to sit him down and say that it's either the internet sites or the marriage. you;ll get your answer. Give him that ultimatum and go from there. If he won't give those internet sites up, leave him and find a guy who will commit to you and you alone.
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