A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19, going on 20, and my boyfriend is 20. Now, I'm the kind of girl that always believed in the "no sex before marriage" rule, and pretty much raised to believe sex is a taboo thing that is only for married couples, to make babies. But recently me and my bf have gotten more...sexual, I guess, I've been adamant about marriage first, but we've done almost everything else (with the exception of anal and true oral *I say tru because a few licks dooesn't really count*) And not only have I started questioning on wether or not I'm still a true virgin, but I was talking to my boy friend about sex and now I'm not sure if I want to wait for after marriage, because we cant really afford a wedding since were in school still, and i dont know what we would do if we legally got married, then had a ceremony after we were settled, but is it like "we signed the papers, so lets get busy!" ? I just need help making sense of all this, should I go with my heart or my mind, is this common, and why is this so confusing?i'd really appreciate help from the aunts and uncles. This has been in my brain for a while, but i'm still confused as to what my heart and mind are trying to say.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 November 2011):
 " we all know what happens at the wedding night"
really? tell me.
I've had THREE and NONE of them involved sex.....
seriously. I was too damn tired.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Hello there. Sorry to hear your struggle. Here is something to think about. VALUES dictate our thoughts & feelings towards oursleves, others & the whole world. It is never the other way around because we are given values, not born with them. Abstinence till marriage is a position some people take based on their values concerning sex & marriage. Having values is good but it is pointless to have them if you don't understand their significance in your own life. Have you ever seriously asked yourself why it is important for me to wait till marriage to enjoy sex? Why it HAS to happen in marriage & no other arrangements? I believe that if you can answer this question you will remove the current state of confusion you're in & come to a decision.
One thing to remember my dear, we can choose to inherit or reject the values given to us by our parents as adults. We can see them as values or worthless old fashion doctrines. Your parents wanted you to have this values, because its' the values which your parents give which will help you to find happiness & fulfillment in life once you leave them to start your own life. Their values are your true inheritance. Therefore my dear, the answer to your confusion lies with your parents & not here. All of us are just going to confuse you even more by suggesting our own values.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 I'll say it for you. It's OK to have sex right now if you feel it's right for you. It's also OK to wait until your wedding day to have sex. Both are OK.
What we can't do for you is choose, you have to do that for yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe next level is marriage, and it's not really the rush to get married, just me being confused on if what I was raised to believe is right, or if it's even ok for us to do this before we're married.
I'm being too confusing, arent I? I'm sorry... I'm just confused too...
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 The next level of a relationship doesn't have to be "sex" or "marriage". You seem to link those two together. For the record, you don't have to to have sex immediately after being married, there's no law saying you must, and your husband doesn't have any rights to take you by force. So there's no "duh" about what goings on on the wedding night. You'll probably be so tired you end up sleeping on the wedding night...
You don't see marriage as a means to have sex? Great, then why the focus on marriage and sex? Why not just enjoy your relationship, wait with the sex, and take things as they come? Why the rush to get married if it's NOT just because you want SEX?
You are being a romantic about this. You think it's okay to have sex now as long as you end up married anyway later on. Who knows if you end up married later on. You might not. You might WANT to get married later on, but by then you'll be forced to marry him whether you like it or not, because you already had sex with him.
You just want to have sex. But because of your upbringing you think you need to marry the man first. But you are thinking of marrying him because you want to "move to the next level" and have sex.
Or, what is the "next level" exactly? If the next level is marriage then you'll have to wait until you can get married before you move things along. If the next level is sex, well then there you have it, you don't want marriage, you want sex.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should add more info...I was just so confused last night I kinda just blurted out everything on my mind.We've been together since high schol, junior year. If we could afford it, we'd get married asap, and he feels the same, because we both want to go to the next level of a relationship. i'm not saying we are a perfect happy couple, or anything, but we try and talk, never fight, if we dont like something. um...what else.... oh, I dont see marriage as a means to have sex, but come on, we all know what happens at the wedding night, its a joining of two people physically, but i dont know if it HAS to be our first time when we get married, if i'm with the one I know I'll end up in a retirement home with someday (that's my wierd way f saying we'll be together forever), is it ok to not wait? I'm struggling with how I've been raised vs how I feel.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 November 2011):
If you choose to marry someone you shouldn't do it just so you can have sex. Marriage isn't about getting laid. So take a few steps back and remember what marriage is all about, first and foremost. It's about making a commitment to someone for life. In my opinion, you are too young to settle down right now, and your boyfriend is also very young and might change his mind. It is common for boys his age to be undecided and change their minds. So just be warned to not rush into things and look at things with too much romance, as reality can be quite different.
It is interesting that you have spoken of marriage, you say that you wont get married soon because you can't afford it. So tell me this, would you have married him if you could afford it? Is he the one you want to stay with for life, and does HE want to make that commitment to you?? Or are you using economy and finances as a way to avoid the question, because you don't know yet if you and him would marry anyway?
If you want to marry him then why can't you and him wait until you are married with having sex? If he's not going anywhere and will always be in your life anyway? Why the rush?
And if you truly want to get married to him (NOT just to have sex) then why aren't you getting married, it doesn't have to cost much. It IS just about signing the papers, and you could do the whole dress and ceremony thing once you can afford it...
You need to sort out whats going on here. Do you just want to get married to have sex, or do you genuinely want to marry him? If it's just for the sex, as it sounds like, then first off: he isn't the one you should marry, and second: maybe waiting until marriage with sex isn't for you, because you could potentially marry the wrong man just because you got horny. So whats more important here, marrying the RIGHT man, or waiting with sex until marriage?
I'm not saying you should have sex with your boyfriend in either case. Thats up to you to decide. But don't be a hopeless romantic and think "we can have sex now, even though I want to wait until marriage, because we can marry later", that'll just put a ton of pressure on both you and him to get married, when you might not want to marry each other after all! Just because you want to have sex with him doesn't make him the love of your life and someone you should marry...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): The whole "no sex before marriage" thing was made up for one purpose only - to prevent unwanted pregnancies in teenagers, because in those times they didn't have birth control. But today we have many ways to prevent pregnancy so it is completely unnecessary to try to fight your natural needs and urges. As long as you are in a loving relationship and are being safe, there is no reason not to enjoy life.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 Its completely fine to adhere to the "no sex before marriage" rule. But you have also realized that maybe you feel the need to go all the way. Perfectly natural, if you have a Bf and you have been experimenting with sexual stuff.
The issue here is not about "marriage" or a "wedding" per se. There are many countries in the developing world where people are taught to think in the same way as you and youngsters are conditioned to view sex as a bad thing. But on the other hand, many of those countries have the highest rate of population growth. What does that translate to? Basically you have a 'holier-than-thou' attitude against sex but once you have the stamp of marriage, you procreate like bunnies!!
Look at things n a healthy, rational way. Sex isn't about being good or bad and marriage is no license to have sex. You have to weigh the consequences in your mind.
Is this guy right for you?
How much do you know him to give him your virginity?
Do you love him and does he love you?
Don't even think of marriage now, think about the practical aspects of growing up first. Keep in mind, marriages do break, and if you want to marry just for the sex, its a horrible idea
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): Your problem is one that has faced many young ladies throughout history. Your heart tells you it`s exciting, something new to experience, but your mind has a little trapdoor called conscience and it`s there for a reason.It`s so important to establish a relationship before being affected by physical distraction. You will know if the relationship has progressed beyond physical attraction and whether marriage is on the horizon. If your boyfriend genuinely loves and respects you then he will be patient.Your beliefs are sound as is proved by the massive increases in illegitimate births, divorce, break ups - in fact all the things you are protecting yourself from by honouring your sound beliefs.Look around you and count the girls and women who have been distracted before a true relationship has been cemented. There lies the answer.Yes, you have experienced sex but you are a virgin. Saving yourself for the right man in the right relationship will ensure a strong and loving relationship.Your first experience should then feel like the bonding of two souls, the ultimate experience denied those that throw away their self respect.I hope this helps a little and pausing before following your heart allows you the time you need. Let your boyfriend show his true love and respect by accepting your beliefs.Take care, and good luck for the future.EMGEE
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A
female
reader, Student of Life  +, writes (20 November 2011):
It seems to me you are both keen to explore normal human urges - to have sex, and sexual pleasure together. I think it would be more wrong to marry simply to feel ok about having sex. If you want to have sex and enjoy each other's body's, then do it!Lighten up and be real with yourself - you are a sexual being. We are created us as sexual beings. I think monogamy and marriage are socially constructed phenomena - to mould societies. Humans are biologically driven to procreate - and to share sexual pleasure with several partners over the course of a lifetime, I believe.Sex is normal, natural, and right. I'm just sorry you've been taught otherwise. I think if you search your heart and mind you'll come to the right conclusion. Just remember it might take several attempts and patience with each other, for you to... come to that... right conclusion...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2011): I think you need to examine your convictions on waiting til marriage. I mean, WHY do you believe that you should wait til marriage? Because it's what you were raised to believe, doesn't cut it because then it's your parents' beliefs, or your religious group's beliefs, not your own personal beliefs, and you're just parroting what you were told and pressured to do.I'm not saying whether it's right or wrong to wait til marriage. I'm saying that you need to figure out what is right for you. Which means examining and questioning why you have the beliefs you have, what would it mean for you to not adhere to them, does it change who you are or how you see yourself?There's pragmatic reasons to wait til marriage - most important is avoiding unwanted pregnancy. (but unwanted pregnancy can certainly happen within marriage too and that doesn't mean it's always fine and great to get pregnant as long as you're married although our society does seem to say that). but at the same time, birth control is birth control whether you're married or not. You don't have to be married to practice safe sex, is what I mean. there's a difference health risk wise, between being promiscuous and being in a committed monogamous relationship with one stable partner, but that partner doesn't have to have the legal status of a spouse. (and besides, married people can cheat on each other and still endanger each other's health that way). So what I'm saying is that just because you're married, doesn't necessarily mean that now sex is 'safer' than if you're single. You can practice safe and responsible sex even if you're not married.Basically, no one can tell you whether you should go ahead and have sex before marriage or not. You should do what you feel is right for you. Which means forming your own independent opinions on what roles sex and marriage should have in your life. If you think long and hard and question it from all angles and finally reach the conclusion that you should wait til marriage, then that's the right decision for you. It won't be your parents' decision, or your religious leaders' decision, but your own which means that you will have greater clarity on the issue. If you examine this issue and find that you disagree with what you were indoctrinated to believe, then that's a sign of tremendous personal growth and courage too.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 November 2011):
 You are very young, but I know that the young are very adamant about thinking that they are plenty knowing. I've been there. That being said, it would be very honorable of you and your boyfriend to refrain from full intercourse prior to marriage, but it seems that you have done most everything sexual based on your posting. In today's apparently very permissive times, which for me was little different 40+ years ago, sexual activity is indeed considered "common."
However, young people should consider the potential consequences, which above all includes pregnancy, along with the possibility of raising a child or children long before one might be prepared for all the responsibilities and commitments. Even with protection, pregnancy can be possible. At least, consider the ramifications carefully. You may now feel that your current boyfriend is yours forever, but the odds these days are not very good.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 November 2011):
 You haven’t said how long you two have been together, and you haven’t told us about prior relationships. You haven’t told us whether you think he is “the one” and that you think you can make a life together.
You two have basically done ‘everything but’. No offense, but that’s sex. Yes, you’re technically a virgin, but the fact of the matter is that the intimacy you two have shared has already gone well past anything your pastor would accept as chaste. So let’s get real here.
This isn’t an issue of ‘making it legal so let’s get it on’. It isn’t a question of affording a big wedding. It’s a question of do you want to spend the rest of your life with him, raise children with him. The big fancy expensive wedding is nothing. If you love him and want to make your life with him, that’s the question. Expensive weddings don’t set the stage for a happy life together. Any more than losing your virginity does.
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