A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:i need help, i have recently got married and had a baby with a beautiful 24 year old girl. my ex wife took me for alot of alimony, and i was ok to pay her for the first year she was awarded it for five years. im having difficulties now paying her and taking care of my family. i believe she is punishing me for leaving her and doing this out of spite. i recieved a text from her yesterday asking when i was going to send her her money. i was busy with customers, and did not get back to her when she wanted me to. she than said that she needed to know what i was going to do so that she could take further action. this p***ed me off and i cussed her out. i cant believe she would threaten me like that. granted i have been late with payments every month and yes i am behind a couple of payments. i know that i left her for this girl, but i dont think its fair that she gets my hard earned money. and she knows i had a kid by my now wife. she has always been a kind hearted person and i thought she would understand what shape i am in a work with me. she told me if i was having that kind of problem to make my new wife work, that she worked and had kids, and my new wife is no better than her. i dont want her to work, and she does not want to work, i want her to stay at home with my son and her daughter. does anybody know of anyway i can rid myself of this situation? ive been told there is nothing i can do. but im not making the money i made when my divorce went through.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 OP, you give a whole new definition to the word " stubborn ". Don't you get it ? Yet, it's easy :
the Court does not CARE about what you want or prefer in term of your domestic arrangements, or of childcare.
Your wife does not care either.
Neither the Court nor your wife are supposed to care .
It's your problem, not theirs.
Unless you can get your alimony legally lowered, and until that moment IF it comes, you need to pay. So stop kvetching and come up with something to make money.
Otherwise , don't pay and be ready to face the music ( which in some places includes jail ).
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2013):
 Okay, we get that you don't want to pay alimony. That doesn't change the fact that you were ordered by a court to do so. If you want to change the alimony agreement, go see your attorney and see if you can petition the court for the settlement to be changed.
The rest is just he said, she said. I'm sure your ex has her own point of view.
Again, the court ordered you to pay alimony. You have four years left on the order, so figure out how you can accomplish your stated goals.
Simply not paying or paying late is going to wind up with you in a deeper financial hole.
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A
male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (27 September 2013):
You don't like your ex and you don't want anything to do with her. Makes sense -- that's why you got a divorce. None of that matters to the lawyers and the judge. The court ordered you to pay alimony. You don't like it (few men do). You'd rather spend the money on your new girl than your old girl (most guys in your position would). None of that matters. You have three choices, as unpalatable as they all are: pay up, go back to court and try for an ammended agreement, or watch them garnish your wages. Bitching about it isn't going to get you anywhere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): this is the op
ok i get it. but i just dont want her to work. i want to be the sole moneymaker in the relationship. i just believe that once my marriage wias over that the ex should have just went on with her life, why take money that does not belong to you, she does not work for it, she has not earned it i have. and i have moved on with my family and need this income to take care of them. i cant help that she is working a dead end job making poverty level, she has just a much chance to make the money i do. she just text me today and said if you are in such a dire straight as you claim to be, than why is the wify not working. she does not get it i want my new wife to be treated very nicely, and if she does not want to work well im not going to make her. and besides i dont want my son being watched by anyone else but her. she had the gall to tell me that i just didnt want that young girl out there to meet someone else to cheat on me. and that most likely whether she is working or not she still has time to run the streets and meet someone her own age or another sugar daddy to take care of her, especially when she finds out that your a** isnt made of gold like you made her believe. i just want this b***h to get out of my life. i gave her 21 years of my life, i dont care that she worked harder in the marriage, i thought i loved her, but we grew apart thats why i left her for the wife now. and i just told her plain out my wife loves me, and she is not going nowhere, i treat her like the princess that she is. and she said well, babe i treated you the same way and that didnt stop you from leaving. she is so stupid, she just wishes she knew what was going on in my relationship. she is just mad because i married her, she just wants to be right. because she told me that it would not last. funny she should have listened when i told her, she loves me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): Your 24 year old wife and mother of your new child, is equally responsible for the demise of your first marriage since you had left your first wife for her which means you were cheating on your first wife with her.Therefore BOTH of you collectively owe your ex wife her alimony. This is your new wife's financial obligation just as much as yours. This wouldn't be the case if you had ended your first marriage on its own terms long ago and settled it long before bringing another woman into the picture. But since you didn't do that, and since your new young wife was apparently happy to be dating a married man, ethically speaking she owes your ex wife as well. So she needs to get a job to help you pay the alimony that is due to your ex since both of you ruined her life. If your new young wife wants to stay home (which is a luxury not an entitlement) then I think you are getting what you deserve with this financial hardship and you'll just have to work more hours or severely downsize your lifestyle.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): You sound pretty narcissistic: Cheated on wife and left her to marry a girl young enough to be your kid and having a kid with her. Wanting to treat the new kid - I mean wife - like a spoilt princess to feel manly perhaps by screwing over your poor ex. And even having the gall to expect your ex to feel sorry for you! You didnt and still dont have any sympathy for your ex so why do you expect her to have sympathy for you?? Wow... what planet do you come from? I bet you only care about your new wife because her youth strokes your weak ego that cannot sustain itself. I just find it hard to believe that you could truly love anyone (such as your new wife) while having such utter selfishness as displayed by how you have treated your ex wife. The way you conduct yourself in relationships speaks volumes about your character. Please take a good long look in the mirror and try to understand why you are in the wrong here. I am sorry you're not getting much advice on how to weasel out of your financial obligations but the fact is that you are in the wrong legally and morally. You display a stunning level of selfishness and narcissism not just in one isolated incident but as a recurring theme and that is why you are in this predicament. The only solution is for you to stop being so selfish thinking everyone should cater to you no matter how badly you have treated them. To clarify, it is not wrong per se to get divorced and marry again. But it is wrong to wreck your (previous) marriage via cheating and betrayal of your innocent spouse while still married to them, and have that be the basis for your new relationship. And it is also wrong to skip payments to people that you legally owe money to and heap verbal abuse on them when they rightfully run out of patience for your lack of integrity.Get a second or third job, or borrow money from family or from your in-laws or ask your new wife to work too. I know this dashes your dreams of a rosy life with your new young catch but you created this mess and reality is hitting you hard now. If your new marriage is based on something real not just your ego and her desire not to work, then she will be happy to make this sacrifice to help pull the new family out of debt. If she is unwilling to work to help pay off your debts (which she had an active part in creating since she helped cause the end of your previous marriage) then your rose tinted glasses of your new life really need to come off and you need to re-examine your own choices and decisions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): You are in your 40-50's and you found it necessary to relay that you married a beautiful 24 year old girl and had a baby with her...isn't that special. Let me know how that works out for you 10 years down the road, if you make it that far.I am 49 and I have a 24 year old daughter. The idea of a man MY age creeping around my daughter who left his wife for her makes me sick to my stomach. I bet her parents are overjoyed to have their daughter's life thrown into your old adult life. And you can't even afford to take care of your new family...what a catch you are. Suck it up and go get another job.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): If you're not making as much money now then take out a loan and ask your new wife to get a job too. It really shouldn't be your ex's problem what's going on in your new life due to the choices you have made for yourself (such as having your new wife be stay at home, and having a baby so soon). You certainly have zero concern for what went on in your ex's life when you left her for another woman since you are playing the matyr.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): I also don't have a lot of sympathy for you. Why would you start a family on a lower wage, knowing that you have these payments to make? It's the same as if you said your rent payments are too high now too. They are a legal obligation and there will be consequences if you cannot make them. You should be planning and budgeting around your financial obligations like everyone else does.
If you are on a much lower wage then I agree you should consult your lawyer and see if anything can be done. But moaning about it and verbally abusing your ex wife is not going to make any difference. This is just a fraction of what you put her through so you should count yourself lucky.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 September 2013):
 Looks like the new wife needs to hit the pavement and find a job. If she cares about you and the well-being of her family that is. Your debts are her debts. Pay the Ex, you owe her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): Either your wife goes out and gets some kind of income to help support your family or you go out and get a second job. This alimony is your obligation for the next five years. It is a debt to be paid, just like a loan, mortgage, etc. Why not try asking a utility company if you can cut back on payments because of your new family and the money you are making? No, that won't work because they are entitled to what is owed to them too. It is not your ex-wife's problem nor should she have to "help you out".You can't believe what SHE is doing? Take a good look at your track record, the lives you hurt and the consequences you have created. You have zero wiggle room to protest, at all. You did what you did and this is the result.My Fiance got layed off from his 20 year job and didn't have much of a choice in a new job and he had to take a pay cut of $9,000 a year. He too tried to have alimony adjusted, not to get out of his obligation, but to try to stay afloat and it was denied (why I'm not sure because he wasn't asking to get rid of it, just to spread out the payments a bit more). Anyway, he took on a PT job a couple nights a week and one day during the weekend. You do what you gotta do and suck it up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 September 2013):
 I'm sorry, you have only 2 choices.
1. finding the money and paying her.
2. contacting your lawyer and take her back to court.
YOU have started a new family has nothing to do with it, if you income HAS decreased then you have a chance at getting the amount lowered.
My husband paid child support to his 2 oldest from the moment they divorced, and the fact that he got remarried (to me) and we had children (and more expenses) had NOTHING to do with the amount of CS he had to pay.
Talk to your lawyer, he/she can help you figure out if you can or can not get it lowered.
Also if your first wife (the ex) hasn't worked for years the chances of her getting a job that can support her is slim, though she has 5 years (alimony) to figure that out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 September 2013):
I don't think it's fair to say that your wife is "punishing " you. It's totally irrelevant whether your wife is actually poisoned against you, or instead has forgiven and only has fond memories- regardless of what she thinks about you, she has the right to claim what's legally HERS, as assigned by the Court. You may think that it's not fair that you have to give her your hard earned money- the Court does not think so, it says that X amount is HER money now, and what the Court says, goes. Your ex wife has no moral or legal obligation whatsoever to make the Court's requests lighter on you.
I find surprisingly naive that you think your ex wife should take your preferences, or your current wife's preferences , into account. Why should she ?
So you'd prefer your current wife not to work- and your ex wife does not care what you prefer. Well, I'd say that probably your ex wife "preferred" that you would not leave her and go make a baby with another woman- but you up and did it anyway.
These matters are best left to the regulation and dominion of the law, not of personal good will. Your ex wife is perfectly within her rights, so you should comply - to avoid dire consequences- legal and monetary.
Of course as the other posters say, you can consult a lawyer and see if you can convince the Court to lower the alimony.
I have no idea how these matters are settled in USA divorce courts; here, and in several other European countries, you'd have very,very scant probability of success. If you'd go to the Court to have your alimony reduced, saying " business is slow this year " or " I just had a baby ", the judge would shrug and ...probably suggest you to quit smoking . Or to take a second job. You should proof and document your inability to meet payments, or to earn more, with something very serious and compelling, like an intervened physical disability, or natural calamity.
But maybe in USA they'll be more flexible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): So you cheated on your ex wife and left her for another woman whom you now have married and a baby with and wants to be a stay at home mom. You've been late on your alimony payments every month and have even missed a few months of payment. Your new wife doesn't want to work. You cussed out your ex when she called about your latest missed payment. (And missing payments is not an anomaly but apparently for you it is the norm). You are surprised she doesn't feel sorry for you and cut you more slack. You want to know what to do.
Ok what you need to do:
1. Get a second job
2. Take out a loan
3. Ask your new wife to work at least part time
4. Apologize to your ex wife for being such a a$$hole
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): Get a loan to pay your alimony. Sorry I don't have much sympathy for you. You left your wife for this new woman. You were the cause of the marriage ending so you owe alimony. Your new wife doesn't want to work and you don't want her to work. Realize that staying home is a luxury not many people have. In order to indulge this luxury you want out of your alimony. And are whining that your ex should be more sympathetic to you because you left her and want to live a luxurious life now rather than keep your financial commitment. You even cussed her out when she called you after you were late on payment. You sound like a real upstanding guy. I am sorry but until you learn to have more integrity I don't have any sympathy for you and all I cam advise is that you should do whatever it takes to have enough money to pay your ex, rather than trying to screw her over yet again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): Your story sounds familiar. Did you by any chance post here a few months ago complaining your new younger woman whom you cheated with on your wife and then left your wife for, posts everything you do on facebook and you were also going broke twining and dining her? If you're not that person then I apologize. Funny how so many people seem to find themselves in the same predicaments.Anyway. You have to go to court to see if your aliminy can be reduced. To be honest though, you are being unfair. You left your wife for this new young girl and you expect your ex to fell sorry for you and release you from your obligations? The thing is, you do have options to meet your alimony obligationsm you're just not wanting to do them.Your new wife not wanting to work and you wanting to let her choose to be a stay at home mom. These are your choices. You and your new wife are not entitled to have her stay home. You need to keep your obligations to your first wife as was determined by the courts. You are not entitled to cheat your ex wife out of your obligatioj to her to support ypur new choices that were already at her expense to begin with. If that means your new wife needs to work then she needs to work. Or you need to get a second or third job or borrow money from your family or friends. Or take out a loan from the bank even if you have to spend the next 10 years paying it offThe point is. You already wronged your wife by leaving her for another much younger woman. The least you can do is stick with the alimony. You do have options such as having your new wife work to help support the new family while youbwrap up your old obligations. Or borrowing money. Staying home is a luxury and one which your ex didn't have. Financial obligations shoulder come before luxuries. as another Aunt pointed out. You were the one who left your ex wife to start a family with someone new. You have been unfair to her so morally speaking you do owe her something whereas she owes you no sympathy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2013): Not a whole lot of sympathy here. You chose to leave her, the court awarded her what they consider a fair amount of alimony and if you don't pay her on time... well, she can't pay her bills with your excuses. No offense.
Seems to me you have three choices.
1) You and your new wife scale back your lifestyle so you can afford your legal obligations
2) New Mrs. sucks it up and gets a job like most of the rest of the world, even if it's only part-time
3) You pay an attorney to take your case back before a court and see if they'll change the alimony amount... which they may not do, so then you'd be out lawyer fees in addition to what you owe your ex-wife
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (25 September 2013):
 I agree with Tisha and So Very Confused, if your circumstances have changed you may have to go back to court.
First off, contact your lawyer and see what you can do and what it will take. He will offer legal advice.
Yes, your ex-wife is probably punishing you for leaving her. Is it fair? Probably not, but it is the way it is. Sadly, divorce laws are usually very harsh against men, especially if you are the breadwinner. (It looks like you may have made the same mistake twice by marrying another woman).
In short term, you may have to take out a loan and get a second job.
But I think right now, your best bet is to consult your attorney and see what you can do long term. Otherwise you could face serious legal repercussions, interest on payments not made and even jail time.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2013): For the short term try working a second job. Never sign a contract that you cannot see yourself preforming on all the way through. It wasn't enforceable until you signed off on it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 September 2013):
 You never mentioned which state you live in because the state you live in has a lot to do with your options. Count yourself extremely lucky that you only have to pay 5 years of alimony, because many states award lifetime alimony.
You also never mentioned how long you were married to your first wife, but your age suggests that you were married more than 10 years, correct? If that is the case, there is a worth to your wife's investment of time, skills, and money to you. She kept you and your house, I don't know if you had kids with your first wife or not, but she watched them, and that is worth something. She enabled you to get ahead and become marketable. Was your first wife also a stay-at-home wife by your desire like your second wife is now? Alimony protects spouses who are homemakers not to become destitute by being abandoned or left or stuck in oppressive marriages.
Best thing you can do is petition the court for an adjustment of alimony based on your new economic status. Chances are a sympathetic judge will adjust for economic circumstances. Otherwise, she can file an injunction against you to levy your bank account or garnish your wages.
Otherwise, your new wife? Her not working is a choice, not a necessity, and truly it is a luxury in this day and age to not have a two-income family. You can't "keep" a second wife while not being responsible for alimony. You married your first wife. Punishment doesn't come into it. Her years as your wife are worth something. She made choices in life based on it. Marrying you and/or having your kids took aa toll on her body, her career choices, her education choices, her living situation choices, everything.
Marriage is a legal status. All the punishment, cheating, your choice to marry, your ex's choice to work or not, those are your choices. You must live by them. Your alimony was determined by your income then, and you're incredibly lucky it's only 5 years.
Be the first to petition the courts. Beat her to it and file for adjusted alimony before she files for the courts to collect by seizing your assets like your home, your pensions/401 (k), your portfolio, CD's/MMA's, savings, etc. It will happen fast, believe me. Last thing you want is to cuss her out and wait for your bank accounts to be seized.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 September 2013):
You have a court order to pay the alimony. If your circumstances have changed and your income has dropped, then you have to go back to court and get an adjustment to the alimony award.
Don't keep on paying late, this will wind up with your wages being garnished.
Remember that you were the one who left and started a new family. She was awarded alimony for a reason.
If your attorney can't handle this then it would be a smart move to get a new one.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 September 2013):
 I'm sorry but if you left her, part of your leaving her was the court order to provide for her for 5 years... you are late with your payments and therefore she has the right to go to court and get it garnished.
YOU if YOUR income is reduced have the right to retain an attorney and ask to have your alimony reduced. But if it's NOT YOUR INCOME that's reduced but rather your new wife has stopped working or your expenses are higher then I don't think there is much you can do.
Consult an attorney on this.
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