A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am at this site because I am truly at the end of my rope. This has gone on for so long that something has got to give, or I am literally going to go crazy. I badly need someone who will try to help me with advice and not judge me. My problem is that I'm not LIVING my life, I'm just putting up with it. I put up with crap at work, I put up with the town I live in, I put up with the gym, with boredom, and with chores, but my life is empty, because there's this big gaping void where... my LIFE should be!I am 29 years old, and I am so bored to death with my life that I could shoot myself. I would never commit suicide because it is wrong and I am a strong person but I am scared that I'm gonna snap and wind up in a mental institution very soon. I am scared to death that my life is going to pass me by and I am going crazy from boredom. I am here at this site because I woke up this morning and just cried when I realized what a beautiful day it is, and up to this minute, I have been crying my heart to pieces all morning, in my dark house, forgotten. I feel as insignificant as the fly buzzing in the kitchen, alone and forgotten in the darkness. We don't have the best climate in the world, and it's a matter of days where we will face months of endless steel-grey skies, endless bitter cold, and endless darkness, and this probably the one last gorgeous day of the entire year. I am so sick and tired of this LIFE. I do four things: I work, I go to the gym, I do volunteer work at church, and I clean bathrooms and putter around the grocery store. I don't have a "life," and I don't have any joy. I have lived in North Carolina for 12 years and I hate North Carolina so much that I'm going crazy. It has literally been YEARS since I have had a date. I don't have ANY joy. I go to work, go to the gym, come home and rot in the house, just like a corspe in a grave. I work as a lateral entry Spanish teacher, and this summer I'm going back to school to get credentialed for a good job, but I don't have enough money to have a decent life. I would like to have joy in my life. There are so many things that I want so badly that my heart breaks. I want so badly to travel, and if I could go live in another country or another state I would be happy. If money were no object I would back up and move to Spain, or to Brazil, or even go back to Texas. I am sick of being stuck in the house because I don't have enough money to enjoy my life. I desperately want something to bring me joy. I've loved horses since I was 6 months old and wish with all my heart that I could have riding lessons, but I don't have the money to find a proper teacher. I wish and wish I could have dancing lessons, or play in a band, or have a boyfriend. The sky is the most intense blue imaginable and the sun is beaming down, and it's beautiful, and it breaks my heart that I am going to spend it locked up in the house, and bored. I have nothing to do, no one to talk to, and nowhere to go. This is one of a million beautiful, irreplaceable days that have come and gone, and it will be sunset and watching this beautiful day die will be like watching a loved one die. It will be like a metaphor for my dreams that are all fading away. I want so badly to have a LIFE and I am so scared that my life is never going to get started. I feel heartbroken that I am going to have one precious, irreplaceable lifetime on this planet, and one day, not far from now, I will be a decrepit old woman in a wheelchair, all gnarled blue veins and thinning hair and drool, contemplating the life that passed me by and those will be my last thoughts.I live in a town that has absolutely NOTHING to offer a young, single woman, and very little to offer couples. If you're single, you don't even matter here. You're an insignificant bug. It's criminal to raise a family here and I feel guilty that I raised a dog here. I have been in North Carolina for 12 years and I hate it so much that I am going crazy.No guys, nothing to do, no opportunities, and I wish that I could just leave. I used to visit my father, who lives nearby, on weekends, but he has a new wife and she gave him an ultimatum and told him that he had to cut off all contact with me or she would leave him, so now now visits, no phone calls, etc. I would like to have a boyfriend, but I feel worthless becuse my own father threw me away like garbage and don't know what a boyfriend would ever see in a girl whose own father didn't want her. Dad blames me for my parents' divorce but he left me, and my mom for his current wife and I can't forgive him. I know that this sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself but it literally took every ounce of strength and determination to stop crying, pull myself together and write this, when I just feel like shooting myself. I wouldn't, but I just wish I were dead because I don't want to be some old lady looking back and saying my life passed me by.My heart is breaking because I'm becoming this middle aged woman and my hopes and dreams are dying and I'm falling into this abyss of fear. I want to have hopes and dreams. I want a career that will be fulfilling and pay enough to provide a decent life, not struggling just to pay bills. I had dreams when I was small and now they seem absurd. I dreamt of going abroad and seeing the world. I dreamt of having a horse of my own. I dreamt of falling in love and getting married. And now, all of those dreams seem far-away and absurd, but without them, life isn't worth living. I would be grateful just to get out of the house today and go somewhere besides the grocery store.Please help me. I just can't stop crying. I just don't think I can stand to see another beautiful, sunshine-filled day pass me by. Thanks, if you can help me, or if you have even read my question, for that matter.
View related questions:
at work, divorce, heartbroken, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Whether North Carolina is bad, is very relative.
My heart just isn't here... I'm from a town called Melbourne, Florida. We moved here and I was so homesick that my heart sank, and I longed to go back to Florida.
Everyone told me I'd fall in love with Greensboro but I've been here for 12 years, and my heart will never be here.
Then I studied abroad in Mexico as a college senior, ostensibly for a semester. When I found out I was gonna be in Mexico for a second semester I was so happy, I cried. Then, I returned to the US and had a really rough time readjusting but a lot of the things I felt and experienced are the same things I went through before I even set foot out of the country.
Texas is probably the best state in the US (no offense to anyone not from there)... I lived there are people were nicer and friendlier than anywhere else I've been.
This may not be a good analogy but it's the best one I can imagine... that I'm a sea lion, and imagine that North Carolina is the desert. Imagine I'm a sea lion that's been in the desert 12 years... I'll never belong no matter how much others love NC... need the ocean.
I am very, very grateful to everyone.
Daniel you are a true friend
I will keep you guys posted.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 November 2008):
 Trust me, if you don't like the weather in North Carolina there a very few places to move to that have better. I lived most of my life in Michigan and I moved to NC 10 years ago BECAUSE the weather is so beautiful. Wherever you go don't move to Michigan!
...............................
A
male
reader, Charles the Lost +, writes (3 November 2008):
Well my advice to you is create a plan. Decide where you want to move too. Research how much it will take for the transportation, one months rent and food, possible jobs, support systems like friends or a church of the same domination etc. Write it down and start living you life to make that leap. It might take you a year to get it together. Then take the leap! Also, make sure you have some escape cash in case things don't work out. Other alternatives: Join the military, join the peace corps, try to find a job that will send you somewhere different. I think you'll have a great adventure and then I think you'll discover that NC wasn't as bad as you thought, but now you'll have some real life experience to compare it too. Good Luck, Have fun!
...............................
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (2 November 2008):
Suicide is so, so very wrong because situations like this are a test. I stand my ground and I fight :)
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (2 November 2008):
 I was wondering whether I should add my two cents here, or through a private message, since Sirena is a friend. I guess it's best here, as it could be of benefit for other people who might be in a similar situation. The rest we can discuss privately :-).
I like a quote by Niccolo Macchiavelli. He said, "There are people who know everything, but then that's all they know". I think Macchiavelli's intention was to say that there are always different points of view.
It's awful to feel this way. It's also good, however, because by now you have realized that you just hate the way you live. There's just a small step to take from that to what another poster suggested, to do something about it.
Also, it's good that you don't want to go down the false solution. Suicide is no solution.
It's wrong to think that living in a different place is guaranteed to make you feel better. I'm not so sure if Latin America or Spain would do the trick. Maybe it would be good to come here (I live in Latin America), but it could be useless unless you did a lot of soul-searching and found answers within you first.
A doctor could help you with depression, yes, but he can only go as far as you yourself want to go. This is not a cough you can treat with a few lozenges. Some people believe in a life after this one. Let's not argue about that point, and let's focus only in living happier in this life, whether there's another or not. You need to live happier in this life because that's so much better than living sad. You need to want to live happily, however, which is something not all people do, in spite of what it might seem.
It's curious that you hate North Carolina. I'm sure you know so many of us would give everything for a chance to live there.
Spain could be a good option if you find a way to cover your expenses. It would also have more of the things that you take for granted at home. It wouldn't be like here, however. Despite what some of them like to think, the Spanish and us belong to the same culture and think alike, but it's not the same "feeling" there. Or, that is what some Spanish say when they come to live here.
If you want to go to Latin America and don't have the money to do it, I think you could perhaps volunteer to do some work here. They would pay your ticket and your stay, and you could use that trip to add a line to your resume. Many people do just that. Since you teach Spanish, maybe you could reverse the line of action and teach English, for a change. I can assure you there's always a job teaching English. Maybe not the best paid job, but, a job at least.
Unless you live in the richer areas, you WILL lose quality of life if you come here, at least in the sense that things you take for granted there are not that common here. You might leave a lot of stress behind, that's for sure.
As to translation, it could be an option. However, try your skills first. Not everyone can do it. Being able to translate is not the same as speaking a foreign language. They are different skills, though one assumes the other exists. To do translation, you need to be able to express somebody else's thoughts in a foreign language. It's not the same as being able to express your own thoughts.
I hope this helps.
...............................
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (2 November 2008):
I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who answered. I am so, so grateful. I know I just had to get all of that off my chest, or I would explode.I play the guitar but with music, you have to have interaction. If you don't have anyone to play with and just sit at home playing scales you eventually go crazy.That is a really good idea of pinning up a picture on my wall. I have about a million photos of Barcelona in my computer, let's see if I can print one out. :)Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (1 November 2008):
I know money can seem like everything if you have none (trust me I've been there) but you can do a lot of things for free.
If there is a riding school nearby then ring up and ask if you can come in and work for free on weekends in exchange for lessons.
Quit the gym and go running with your dog instead, use the money you save to save up for bus fair and housing deposit to move away and start looking for jobs.
Advertise in music shops that you want to join a band as a backing singer and then ask one of the people in the band to teach you guitar or something for free.
The MOST IMPORTANT thing you need to do is to make a plan. do research and figure out where you want to go and how to get there.
Get a dream and pin a picture of it on your wall.
EG. You want to move to spain so look up the cheapest air fair you can and pin it up with a picture of Spain, then look at jobs you could do there, like teaching English and then working in a bar at night. Save up the cash for the air fare and find out about working visas etc.
The more research you do to find out about your dream then the more you will cheer up and work hard to make it a reality.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (1 November 2008):
 Hi!
If you want to move - think of what could and should be done to move. First research the countries. You speak Spanish, so you have all the countries beneaf US except for Argentina. Those are third world countries, and if you are not going to capital cities, it is rather cheap to live there and you can start off working as a English language teacher. There are also foreign companies that would benefit from English speaking secretaries...Im just thinking outloud right now. If you are serious about moving then draw a list of countries where you could possibly go, I wouldnt recommend Spain - expensive and unemployment is on the rise. If you do go to South America, you will probably lose in the life quality, thats why they are called 3rd world countries. But in return you will get better weather, LOTS OF LATIN MEN available that actually value womens beauty and are not too scared to give you a compliment. I know a family that left Texas to live in Bolivia, they say this was the wisest decision theyve made in their life. If you are this unhappy DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Instead of rotting in your house research on moving abroad, get onto forums where there are people who have moved abroad.
You say you do not have enough money to move to even another state - try looking for a better paid job first maybe and see where it takes you? Also for extra money you could do translations, just an idea...
...............................
A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (1 November 2008):
 Hi Hunny
You are going through a deep depression, I've been there so I no how it feels..No matter what you do in your life there will be a void..I felt just the same the routine of the day was the same day in and day out. Although I really love my job it seemed at that time I could have jumped off the cliff as I was so unhappy with everything around me...The more down I got the more I cried the worse it got and it felt as if everyone in my life was against me so it felt as if everyone was getting at me...Yes I had been through hell and back for quite along time before all this started, But this can happen to anyone at any time in life...Your fathers rejection of you could have played a huge part in this, I no when I found out I was adopted it hit me quite hard..Feelings of rejection can and will follow you in life unless you realize it was his choice through his own selfish reasons to do what he did with his life and it has nothing to do with you, He chose his path, Just as my father did..I still see my birth father but I cant say I like him very much he is self centred nothing will get in the way of his life not even his only daughter, I get into complete panic when he visits me but I don't want to loose contact with my brother and birth mother..He is everything I don't like in a man..
I needed to address all these hurtful feelings before I realized, It was not my fault, it was not my doing, He made his choice so be it...I've learnt allot from his mistakes..
I believe you need to go to a counsellor to get everything out the sooner the better love or it will only get worse, These feelings of despair will not go without help and the understanding of someone who can help you put your life into some kind of perspective. I'm going to send you a link on self esteem it will help allot.....
http://www.womensselfesteem.com/page/page.cfm/tips
There are many things people wish to do with there lives love and because life is so hectic nothing gets done only the same thing, Try and change one thing even if its only going somewhere other than the gym..Have you any friends love as having a friend around in the evening will break up the vicious circle you are in..If you cant afford to get riding lessons is there anyway you could maybe help with stable work even once a week this way you will be with the horses you so love, Plus you can get some really great dancing d.v.ds teaching you dance moves, Dancing at home is fun and can make you feel alive I do this all the time as I'm hoovering, pop some great music on and dance away it releases so much plus its a great work out to...
But most important is a counsellor to help you through hunny, And the belief in yourself that things will get better, I hope this helped a little TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, MamiOf2 +, writes (1 November 2008):
 Oh my gosh I realy feal for you. No one should be here to judge you so dont worry, we all have our own issues you are not alone. It sounds like obviously you are depressed and have number one a lot of issues from your past/childhood with your parents divorce and your father. How is your relationship with your mother? Any other family you associate with? Well a good idea would be to go to therapy. I know money is an issue to you though. Maybe you could put to the side a little money so that you can afford therapy once a week, or every other week? Look online for different therapists in your area and their rates? Because that will take a big load off of your shoulders to have someone there who can listen to your problems and it could realy help your self esteem. You said you hate where you live. I lived in Memphis for only 2 years but i hated it and was super super lonely since i knew NO ONE there except my husband, and hated it soooo much i cried often so i can some what relate. Its a terrible feeling just hating where you are. Do you have a family member or friend in another area where you could move to? Maybe you could look online for a job in another state or area that you would like, and take it from there? Take little steps. Look online for singles groups etc in your area or surrounding areas? Also, try to return to school. Go to a community college and apply for financial aid. Or a short term school that could provide you with some type of certification so you could make a better income?
...............................
A
female
reader, MamiOf2 +, writes (1 November 2008):
Oh my gosh I realy feal for you. No one should be here to judge you so dont worry, we all have our own issues you are not alone. It sounds like obviously you are depressed and have number one a lot of issues from you past/childhood with your parents divorce and your father. How is your relationship with your mother? Any other family you associate with? Well a good idea would be to go to therapy. I know money is an issue to you though. Maybe you could put to the side a little money so that you can afford therapy once a week, or every other week? Look online for different therapists in your area and their rates? Because that will take a big load off of your shoulders to have someone there who can listen to your problems and it could realy help your self esteem. You said you hate where you live. I lived in Memphis for only 2 years but i hated it and was super super lonely since i knew NO ONE there except my husband, and hated it soooo much i cried often so i can some what relate. Its a terrible feeling just hating where you are. Do you have a family member or friend in another area where you could move to? Maybe you could look online for a job in another state or area that you would like, and take it from there? Take little steps. Look online for singles groups etc in your area or surrounding areas?
...............................
|
