A
female
age
36-40,
*olovley
writes:Hi my boyfriend and I have been together for 3.5 years. He normally goes away with the "lads" on holidays without me. When he goes he usually doesnt contact me very often and we usually would be have alot of contact during the day normally. He's planning to go away to a festival in America for 2 weeks this summer and has made it clear that I'm not invited because its a lads thing. I understand this up to a point but at the same time it makes me feel really unhappy and I'm wondering if this is a standard part of everyones relationship? He will using his holidays for the year for this so we wont be able to go away together. Am I being possessive or am I right to be uspet? Thank you so much for reading this xx
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male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 This seems to be quite a common question around holiday time.I have been with my partner for 17 years. Before I met her, I played football all over Europe, and every year in the autumn, a group of a dozen of us would head to the States for two weeks to see high school games, college games, a Monday night game, and as many NFL games that we could get to. That was, and still is part of me. There is nothing that she could do to make me not want to go on those trips, and she has never stopped me.It's called trust.On the flip side, my lady is into history and antiques. I paid for her to go to Egypt and Mexico with her friends, as she was reluctant to go without me both times.That's trust too.When we spend time apart, then we meet again at the airport, we spend so many of the next few days catching up!Awesome.If the lads trips are part of what your boyfriend has always done, don't try to stop him doing it.Love him for who and what he is. If you feel uncomfortable about him being away from you, or annoyed that he will enjoy himself without you, then that is something you have to come to terms with on your own.He is, was, and probably always will be, part of that group. Don't try to change him into what you would like him to be, or that will really signal the end of the relationship.Remember, he has been with you for over 3 years, and hasn't run away yet, has he? Suggest to him that after he comes home from the festival, you go away somewhere together.If you try to take away his 'lads' time, he will resent you for it.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 Hi, thank you for the follow up. I think you do have reason to expect to go away on holiday together. You said he's self-employed, so he can take time off when he wants. I know this is a tougher economy so maybe he's feeling the pinch, but still... I think you do have a very valid issue, can I call it a grievance?
I expect you wrote to us because he doesn't want to discuss it with you at all. I don't think you're being unfair or presumptuous to expect to go away together. You clearly do need to understand each other's personal stake in the relationship and make sure that each of you are content with how things are progessing or maintaining.
I do agree with you that there's no point in going away with people you don't feel comfortable with just to make a point. That being said, there are loads of trips out there, learning trips, volunteering trips, where you could meet people who share similar interests. Even better if they are single. Go learn watercolor in the south of France. Go help an archeological team on a dig.
I think you and he need to have a discussion. Try to stay calm and objective about this. I know it's very very tempting to have a hissy fit (as I sometimes do when I'm badly hurt) but do your very best to listen to him. He probably does love you and doesn't want to hurt you, he just thinks of you as someone who needs to be placated, not pleased.
Have you fallen into a rut with him? Are you expecting him to do the planning? Consider if you can what he might think of your situation. Try to be as objective and impersonal as you can be. Maybe you are more demanding than he can handle? Maybe he's longing for freedom, but doesn't have the courage to end things? You don't have to answer these questions here, but try to think about them in private. Give yourself time to process all this before you have this talk with him. Get strong and centered and above all, stay calm and cool and collected. You don't want this discussion to become about how hysterical you are being. You want this discussion to be about what he sees as his life priorities, and your life priorities and how those two lists mesh.
So, yeah, maybe it is a "lad's thing." So many guys do go on trips together. So what? So why does he not want to go on holiday with you? Fair question.
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A
female
reader, solovley +, writes (3 June 2009):
solovley is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Tisha-1 Thank you for your answer! We do not live together. My close girlfriends are all in long term relationships so they all go away with they're boyfriends. I would love to have some other options but that would involve going away with people I'm not extremely comfortable with and just to prove a point and I suppose there would be no point because I wouldn’t really be enjoying myself. We normally would go away together but he would also go away with his friends through out the year as he is self employed he can take time off whenever he wants.
We hadn’t made explicit plans yet because I just presumed we would be doing something together. I guess im worried that I couldn’t enjoy myself traveling if he wasn’t with me but he seems to need me not to be there to really let loose.
Im so lost Tisha-1. Im ready for a certain level of commitment and my presumptions of us going away together to be valid like all of my other friends relationships, I don’t know of this means we just want different things and should end it? Or am I being unfair? Thank you Tisha-1 x
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2009):
I guess I have a question for you about how much time he spends with the lads now without you. If the answer is, "not very much", then maybe he does need that time to be a "lad", for just 2 weeks out of 52. If the answer is, "he goes out with them at least once a week", well, then maybe you are indeed justified in feeling that you are too low on his priority list.
I, too, would feel slighted and upset if my love of 3 1/2 years didn't want to go on holiday with me. It is a chance to get away and be romantic, after all.
Maybe you need to shake things up a bit. Maybe he's grown a bit too complacent with the expectation that you are always there, waiting for him (nagging him, just a bit, perhaps?). Maybe he needs some time to miss you and realize how important you are to him. Those are a lot of "maybes" and I could be so off on this that I'm setting you up for a problem.
But I think you already perceive this as a problem and how to tackle the discussion about it, or not discuss it, needs a few more details. Do you live together? Is there an expectation that you are a permanent couple? What do his friends do, and your girlfriends, when it comes to holidays?
What did YOU want to do this year with him? Had you started making plans? Have you ever gone on a 2 week holiday with him?
A few more details, please, might help.
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A
male
reader, koenig +, writes (3 June 2009):
I think that at around your age onwards and after a relationship as long as 3 years, you should be able to expect your boyfriend to choose going on holiday with you instead of going with his friends.
I think you're right to be upset, and I think you need to talk to him about this. Be calm and don't point the finger when you talk to him though. Just tell him (gently) how you feel and that actually you'd have liked to go on holiday with him this year, not necessarily on this one, but on one with him.
When you're in a relationship, you need to balance your partner and relationship with your friends. But it seems like you're getting a rough deal here.
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