A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 28 and have been married for 5 years. I was good at first. But when I got pregnant with our first child my husband starting watching porn. Without getting into massive detail, I eventually confronted him about it and told him how I felt. After a huge argument he said he would stop and that was it. 4 years later I know he is still watching it. He no longer leaves it in the history on the computer because I told him that's how I found out the first time. He is a lot more careful now, but it's the small things I catch that make it obvious. Like my speakers being frequently turned off in the morning (he gets up way earlier than i do and goes on the computer every morning), websites that were saved into the tool bar are erased, along with other history, when I come downstairs he clicks every screen closed and says "he just finished his work". We rarely have sex and that's a result of many things. First, knowing he watches porn is a massive turn off and doesn't make me want to have sex with him at all. I really don't find myself attracted to him anymore and I don't enjoy having sex with him. He thinks I am just not a sexual person which is a lie. I have tried suggesting couseling to him which he outright rejected saying he doesn't need it. He also has anger issues which he is working on and has undoubtedly improved upon, but he still acts in ways that bother me. Especially towards our children, both under 4. He is downright mean to them. I think he enjoys seeing them cry sometimes. And he just says they need to toughen up. After he refused the conseling, I went myself without him knowing. I saw the counselor for a few months and she all but told me to leave him. I told her the reason I couldn't was financially I couldn't afford to live on my own and take care of the kids. Now the problem is we just bought a house. I want him to move out, but I can't afford the bills on my own. I want him to continue to pay the mortgage but I just don't see that happening. We can't sell the house now because we have only been here for a month and we would lose a massive amount of money. In summary, I'm not in love with my husband anymore but I'm not in a position to get divorced right now. I feel like I have exhausted every way to try and "make things work" and at this point I don't think I want to make it work anymore. And to make matters more complicated, I am interested in another man. I have known him for about a year and a half and we have formed a friendship. At the time we met he was with a girlfriend and they have a kid together. I always felt like there was something there between us, but of course we were both in relationships. Just recently he left his girlfriend and that's when we finally both confessed our feelings for each other. We lived very close to each other and saw each other almost everyday (only because of the physical location of where we lived, not because we were meeting up). Now that I have moved a little further away we started texting each other. He came over once with his kid for a playdate with my kids and it was honestly the best afternoon I have had in a long time. Nothing happened between us while he was here. The problem is that he doesn't want to be "the other guy". But like I said, I'm not in a position to get divorced and I don't want to make such rash decisions for someone that I haven't even been on a real date with. I want to get to know him. I don't know what to do. Everywhere I look, everyone says cheating is horrible and bad and disgusting and if you hate your marriage so much then leave. But that's just not an option for me. I am also scared that my kids will hate and blame me later in life for leaving their father. But I am so unhappy. I feel like the only source of happiness for me right now is this other guy, but society tells me I'm not allowed to be happy in that way. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (30 August 2012):
Do not disrespect this other man by dangling this possibility in front of him. He's trying to do the right thing, but you 'hanging out' with him, obviously showing your attraction is not nice. It also paints a picture of you, not a very pretty one I have to say. I would never get involved with someone who is prepared to cheat, even if it's 'only' emotionally. I would not consider that person suitable to get involved with because if they can be disloyal to their partner, they can do the same to me.
Keep your distance from him while you work on saving money, becoming independent so you can and divorce your husband, as terrifying that may be. You are always in a position to make a choice. It's just too convenient not to and have a 'trial run' with this other man (as doublejack put it so fittingly.)
If you cross this line, you will lose this new man. He already said he doesn't want to be "the other guy". Respect that and keep your distance. Be straight with him: explain your situation and your future plans. Don't make them prettier than they are. If you think it's going to take 2 years for you to be financially independent, let him know that and set him free. If after the divorce he still has feelings for you, you can get involved, but let him go otherwise. Unless this man would be prepared to take you and the kids in when you divorce it's going to take a while.
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (30 August 2012):
OK, there is simply no way to have a "trial run" with someone while you are married. That is cheating, period. Even if you aren't having sex you are emotionally cheating. Furthermore, it is living a fantasy. Until you are on your own and truly available, you won't know for sure how things would be with another man. Men will show interest in a taken woman, then distance themselves when things "get real" sometimes.As a formerly married man, I know how daunting the prospect of divorce is. However, I think in your case that is what you need to do. It is very clear you aren't happy, and your husband has refused to work through things (example, see a counselor). Plus you no longer find him attractive, and have breached his trust. I don't see how the marriage can last given those parameters.So my advice is to do what you have to in order to get in position to file for divorce, and pursue that. If you know that it is holding your life up from moving on, it will become more urgent and I think you'll be surprised at how resourceful you will be to get the process started.Only after you are available should you be thinking about another relationship. I found it very helpful in my case to spend six months on my own. I focused on myself. I started working out again. I reconnected with friends that I had lost track of. I took up new hobbies an interests. Once I reached the point that I was a truly happy person, then I knew it was time to seek a mate, someone who could be a partner in crime. That's the best suggestion I can make to you.Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): I understand ur situation. Let me give some advice. DO NOT CHEAT! How would u really feel if the tables were turned? It seems that ur husband is just as unhappy. What if he decided 2 go out an have an affair 4 the exact same reasons? How would u feel? What if he tells u he is just as miserable doesn't love u and she is now his sole source of happiness? Think about that when u decide to start a relationship before u get divorced. It may take time but hell I did it! I was penniless. I save up my money until I was able to file. I struggled 4 a while but honestly it was worth it! Peace of mind is priceless! I am in a much better place now. The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU!
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (30 August 2012):
 HiHaving an affair,cheating, is only going to add to your problems.This man is not the answer, YOU are the only person who can start the process of ending your marriage.You need to see a lawyer first,then talk to your husband, and do things the right way, if you cheat and your husband throws you out you will be on the streets and he could keep the children too. You say he has anger issues so alot could happen if you do cheat. He is just looking at porn not sleeping with other women, even though you dont want sex with him.Forget any men and sort out your life.You could rent a place for you and your children, you dont have to stay in the house.If your THAT unhappy you will do anything to leave and start afresh, but dont do it for some bloke,do it for you and your future.This would mean that you AND your husband are free to find love and happiness,which is something neither of you have at the moment.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 Have you spoken to your husband at all about being unhappy and wanting out? I think that is your first step. Forget about the other guy for the time being, you have much bigger things to worry about. After telling your husband you want a divorce then you need to meet with a lawyer and find out the options on what to do with the house, who gets it, etc. When my sister and her husband got a divorce they lived in the same house but in separate rooms for about a year until she could get out. They were very much separated and she was dating someone new. That is an option if you have no where to go and your husband agrees to it. So since you want out of the marriage the most logical and first move is to let your husband know. You shouldn't stay miserable in a relationship because it is too expensive to do otherwise... There are ways around all of these things. Speak to a lawyer or financial person after speaking with your husband. If your marriage is done you need to stop wasting his and your time and start the process of what to do next and how to move on.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 August 2012):
I agree with what janniepeg and tisha said. I also want to add some perspective on the alternate choice. This choice is cheating. Even if you cheat begin to cheat, this will not solve any of your problems. You will gain some time of happiness but if anyone were to find out, you will be in a much worse situation than you already are. Even with what your husband is doing, it isn't as excuse to begin the path of cheating.
If you really need a new path in life, then simply you have to work hard for it and make those decisions you are afraid to make. It is nothing that will come in a blink of an eye. You need to start somewhere and I think jannie and tisha are offering those "somewhere"'s.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2012):
 A family member of mine went through a nasty split and lost a great deal of money as a result. It's not nice, it's not fun, but it's worth keeping the awful ex-partner away. The good outweighs the bad in that situation.
Another family member went through a major medical crisis and then the spouse lost the job that provided medical insurance. It wasn't nice and it took a few years to get through. But that is past now and things are looking good.
You are young enough that a financial downturn now can be erased over time as you save. There are a lot of people who went through a problem.
Make plans for what is best for your future happiness and well-being. Talk to a financial planner if you can manage it, maybe your job provides one, but get yourself out of the self-imposed prison you are in now. THEN you can be free to date and get to know people.
Imagine it like your house has burnt down and you've lost everything. Now what? Go from there and make decisions based on where you WANT to be, not on where you fear to be, okay?
Time to be brave, keep your children safe and put yourself in a better position. ... see a financial professional ASAP, okay??
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Janniepeg,Thank you for your answer. Just a quick note, the other man doesn't want to be the "other man". And we haven't done anything other than hang out. To me that proves that he is a good man and is trying to do the right thing. But like I said, because of my situation I can't just walk away and get divorced just to see if things work out with this guy. It's definitely good advice to work on getting my indepedence, but that is only something that will come with time, because as I said I can't afford the mortgage alone and we can't sell now because we would lose a ton of money. I just don't want the opportunity with this other man to pass me by because I am stuck in this marriage for the time being. I know society always says that there is never a good reason to cheat and cheating is never good and all that. But seriously, when I say this guy is a huge part of my happiness right now, I'm not exagerating. I have actually had to start taking anti-depressants to deal with my husband and his behaviour. It just sucks that I don't have a right to even attempt be happy with someone while I wait out this unhappy marriage.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 August 2012):
 That other guy can't be your source of happiness, if he is willing to make you happy while you are still married that can only mean he is not the right guy for you, no matter what society says. If I were you I would stop looking for happiness right now but instead focus on how to get my independence and leave once I have that independence, I will also have more venues to meet available men who will make me happy.
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