A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just graduated college with my bachelor's degree. I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. My boyfriend will be done with his bachelor's degree in December. We've had many conversations about the future, from where we wish to live to if we want to have children. However, something has been bothering me for the past six months. He has no idea what he wants to do. Whereas I know exactly what I want to do. He always tells me he'll follow me, but I don't want him to follow him, instead I want to follow him. I feel like he's not driven as much as I am. I've always pictured myself with a man that knows what he wants and wants to be successful. I am growing unattracted by how he is (or his lack of motivation). I don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 You are a lucky minority, lots of people at your and your bf's age still have no clue about what they want to do or be in life.
Having a precise early call or vocation is a luck and a privilege, not a given, so I don't think you can blame him for being Mr.Average Guy with no particularly burning ambition yet.
Said that , there's really no generic answer to your question, it's all up to you. If you really feel that you need to be with a focised, ambitious , driven partner, then he is not the one for you.
If you can compromise over the ambition thing in view of all the other positive aspects in your relationship , and accept that nobody's perfect and he is perfect under any aspect... but this one, then you'll be fine.
But other people cannot choose for you.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 September 2012):
I knew aged 11 what I wanted to do - and I'm not doing it just yet (though I'm partially on the way at least!). This is very, very rare. I know only of 2 other people who knew what they wanted to do when they were 18. One wanted to be a soldier, the other wanted to be an accountant. They are both where they want to be.
You're asking a huge amount of a man who hasn't even finished his degree yet. You can't seriously expect someone to just flick on a light bulb and know what they want to do. That's very short-sighted of you. People can change their minds, people can make mistakes. It's not possible in this world to be able to stick to a rigid plan - something will come up. It will happen to you too. You think you have a plan, but at some point something will get in the way.
I also don't understand this 'lack of motivation' business. What lack? The man's doing a degree! Just because he doesn't know what job he wants to do doesn't mean he's not motivated.
To be honest with you, you sound a bit controlling, and you sound like you're setting him up to fail. Are you sure you really do love this guy? Or do you just love the idea of a successful man who knows what he wants? Because it seems to me that you just want the idea, not the reality. You've sat down and talked about where you want to live, and about children. You've made those plans. Yet that's not enough, so you've set him another target and now he's seemingly failing, suddenly you're not attracted to him? That's not a good sign. What if he got a job and lost it - would you stay? What if you lost your job and he walked?
You sound like my boss, who set me Key Performance Indicators - the only difference is, he's my boss and is allowed to, whereas you're supposed to be this guy's girlfriend and you're supposed to love him for who he is. Targets don't make for good relationships.
I don't think that you should be in a relationship right now, to be honest. I don't think you're ready. You two are about to enter the working world, and before he's even got started in looking for jobs or whatever, you've already labelled him as 'lacks motivation'. That's so, so short sighted. Not just that, you're losing your attraction to him, which suggests, as before, that you don't love him, but you love some idea.
End it, let him find a woman who respects him for who he is, not who she expects him to be. Meanwhile, you move on, you go do everything that you want to do and at some point you'll meet a guy who is already there with what he wants to do. A word or warning though, you'll be waiting a few years.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Hi
Lots of people dont know what they want to do at your age,its not uncommon.You are obviously the stronger of the 2 of you just now and more focused.
If him not knowing what he wants and not 'leading' bothers you then is he the man for you? Is the rest of the relationship fine or is this a dealbreaker? Time to decide.
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A
male
reader, human_male  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 He can't be that unmotivated if he's doing a bachelor's degree. It's not unusual for a young person to not know what they want in life or where they're going.
It's very common for women to like a guy to know what he wants and where he's going, but how realistic is it? How many people go through life like that, especially when they're young. And if you did have a guy who was very driven would he be the best boyfriend for you?
Think about that, but if you just can't tolerate him anymore then be honest with him, and find someone who knows exactly what they want and where they're going... if you can that is.
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