A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My problem seems kind of funny, so laugh if you want, but I'm getting a bit frustrated. Although I didn't grow up religious, I'd had a rough time in life and turned to the church. This was a few years ago and I'm now a devout Christian, and have decided to remain celibate until I get married. Problem is, when I start dating a guy and he starts wanting sex, I tell him that I don't have sex outside of marriage, and he runs for the hills.It's been more than five years since I've had a boyfriend, even though I've dated quite a few guys. It never seems to get any further than the first week, when I drop 'the bombshell' as I've come to call it. I understand that celibacy is unusual, especially at my age (I'm 29), and that not many men would want to be in a sexless relationship. I guess what I'm asking is - Is it unreasonable for me to expect this of a man? To put up with no sex for goodness knows how long, for me? I'm not a virgin, I've had sex before, albeit several years ago before I turned to God, but I don't want to give up my beliefs. On the other hand, I don't want to be in this same situation when I'm 40. Am I being unreasonable? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): You aren't being unreasonable, but you do have to live with the consequences of your beliefs.Most people in Australia aren't strict Christians. Not wanting sex until after marriage is the first time your date comes face-to-face with the reality of what a relationship with a strict Christian would actually be like. That experience causes them to reevaluate a future relationship.That is, the issue isn't just sex -- it's much broader. The question of sex just brings the issue to the table. Since you are outside the mainstream of the Australian morals I don't understand your surprise that most men choose not to pursue a relationship.Your best tactic, it would seem to me, is to seek men out who are devout and within your sect. After all, even another devout Christian could well have basic relationship issues where the Christian sects hold very different beliefs (contraception, the roles of men and women, tithing).A final thought. People in their 40s are expected to know the ways of the world, to have passed the black-and-white enthusiasms of youth, to be comfortable in a world of greys. Religiously, they aren't so concerned about the trappings of a religion as with its essential truth. Your black-and-white view of life doesn't fit that expectation and 40 year old men may well be concerned that they are dating someone with a 20 year old mind. The way you do things sends a big a message too. And just plonking the "sex issue" squarely on the table sends a message that you have a teenage view of the world. You should probably do that more adeptly so that the delivery doesn't scare men off before they've even thought about the message.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): You are NOT being unreasonable. It's a perfectly normal attitude to have. It's good that it's driving away all those men who are more interested in sex than in marriage. They should be seeing 'easy/sexually availableNow' women instead of trying to hit on you. You'll soon find someone sensible, who would understand that you are having a healthy attitude and that will be more beneficial to you. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 You have my respect. I'm much older and lived a fairly promiscuous lifestyle throughout the 1960s-70s, then turned faithful during a 20-year marriage, but there should be no concern about your descretion. Many men will hold this in highest regard as well.
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (6 March 2011):
You're not being unreasonable. You're being true to yourself. There are men out there who admire that and who would love to date a woman with those values. The trick for you is finding men who have similar values. They're out there. You just have to figure out how to find them.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): There is a dating site called WeAbstain.com for other celibate non virgins like yourself. I can't comment on your choices but I will say they aren't mainstream and will be unreasonable for the vast majority of men who are non virgins like yourself. Men who are virgins will find this unreasonable too because you are not a virgin. Saying you don't have sex outside marriage is untrue because you have. Only virgins can claim that.
Celibacy groups and celibacy dating online is probably where you need to go to find men who will find this acceptable and not misleading.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): I cannot call you reasonable or unreasonable. That is between you and your partners and everyone is different.
But I will comment on your choices. Look at it from your partner's point of view. What does this offer him? Being a virgin has upsides & downsides, and so does being sexually active. If you used to be sexually active and then you later start wanting guys to wait until marriage, you are basically offering the new guys the downsides of both lifestyles and the benefits of neither.
Sorry if this hurts. But I'm just telling you what really goes through a potential partner's mind when he hears your story.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Hi
I think it's good that you stick to what you believe....nothing unreasonable about this. I am sure you will meet a like minded person at some point, no need to worry.
Good luck
spunky monkey
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Unreasonable? Not at all, but realistically, its always going to weed out a lot of guys from your dating pool...
Have you tried dating other christians?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Lets be honest here, its one thing when you have never had sex, but its quite another when you HAVE had sex and then suddenly decide you no longer want to do it til you get married. Men are mosre likely to accept the former but very, very, VERY few men will be okay with the latter.
Its like you are okay putting it about in the past, but then the punish the one guy who respects you enough to have a long term relationship with you.
Your idea is admirable in theory, in practice however its a p-take on good men who have to live with the fact that other men before them were given the green light whilst they have to wait.
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (5 March 2011):
 On the contrary! It shows that you are a girl who sticks to her values, virtues and beliefs and any man you meet who doesn't appreciate that in you, then he doesn't deserve to be with you. You are a great person!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 First of your situation is not funny and secondly no you are not being unreasonable. Everyone has there own beliefs and you should stick to yours. Yes it may be hard to get a guy who has the same beliefs as you but if a man is interested in you and wants more than sex from you then he should respect that and if he doesnt well then he is not worth it. Stick to your beliefs. Why not look in to your church and see if you can find any single men there who have the same beliefs as you. Are there any church groups local to you that you could attend and hopefully meet a potential partner?
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