A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have a question! I've been dating this guy for a while, and it's come up in conversation that it's time for me to meet his parents. He's already met mine, but I'm feeling very nervous about meeting his. He has explained to me that his younger brother has Asperger's Syndrome, and that he may be difficult to be around during my visit. I want to make a good impression on his family, including his brother but apparently it's pretty rare for the younger brother to like anyone, and he's often hostile. I want the brother to like me! My boyfriend warned me that he might say things like "I don't like your outfit at all" or "You're not very pretty" while I'm there... My boyfriend said that I don't have to worry and that he's ok if I don't get along with his brother, but I'm not sure.Is it ok that this is discouraging me from meeting his family? And how should I handle this situation when I do meet him/them? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2014):
 I agree with k-c100
JUST BE YOURSELF.
You BF's brother is not going to fawn all over you and think you hung the moon. And that is OK. HE is who HE is and you, are WHO you are.
Don't overdo the trying to be nice to his brother. The couple of teens I know with Aspeger are WAY more perceptive of "fake" behavior then most average teens.
A friend of a friend's son has Aspegers ( he is 15) and when we initially met him we didn't know, my kids played mine craft with him and joked around (my daughters have a great sense of humor - if I say so myself lol) and they got along like a house on fire. His mom tried to make him "be nice" a couple of times because he did throw out some odd comments, but they just dove right in and answered questions and joked around. His mom was pretty surprised because he normally shy away from kids older then 5.
People with Asperger's are as DIFFERENT and you and me. And your BF gave you some "fair warning" so you won't feel to upset if he says off the wall things. Just be who you are.
IT IS OK to be a little nervous, but I would just get it over with. Like ripping of a bandage. After that first meeting it won't be so intimidating any more.
Relax.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2014): I have a family member with Aspergers, the worst thing you can do is hope he likes you because even if he does he won't express it in a way you'll understand, you'll be disappointed if you want him to like you, so put that out of your mind. Because he may think you're awesome, yet every word out of his mouth will be a blunt insulting sounding criticism of something about you. You just have to remember they do so more as a warning, a constructive criticism in the sense of it's something you'll want to look into, so he's actually meaning it a nice way.
You see they only get things in terms of good or bad, the emotional effect of that good or bad thing doesn't actually exist for them if you know what I mean. Because they find social norms, interactions and stuff like that impossible to understand and people's motivations impossible to read, you have to approach what they say in an emotionless clinical way.
OP dealing with someone like that is easy. First off they're incredibly blunt, to the point where it can sound offensive and I mean your worst nightmare insecurity offensive "does it make you sad being that fat?". Just react to it with a smile on your face and matter of factly or make a bit of a joke.
"I don't like your hair, it looks like a cat has died on your head". "You're right it kind of does, guess how much I paid for it, £100, yeah that's a lot, probably cheaper to just put a real dead cat on there"
OP the best advice I can give you is not to be cold to him, but also don't initiate anything, as in don't make an effort like you normally would by asking questions about himself. Oh and whatever you do, do not put on a baby voice and talk to him like you would a child. OP he's a perfectly normal human just with zero social skills and a complete inability to self censor his thoughts. This makes people with Aspergers consummate worriers because they just don't get things like that on their own. Don't be offended if he asks invasive questions and answer him if you can. His family will butt in and tell him not to ask such questions but if you can answer them with no emotion he'll be quite impressed.
My family member once asked my wife if she'd had any periods that needed tampons with four drips on the label because he saw an ad for them and wanted to understand more about heavy flow. To him it was question with relevance because she is a woman and it was an attempt to connect with her. She just answered matter of fact that she has had to buy them but not really that often, that she generally has a light flow and not much cramping either so she's luckier than most women.
He also asked her one time if she was going to get fake tits because hers are "quite small and unimpressive", and he "knows" women think that's important. She said no, she's happy with hers and big ones cause back pain, and he thought that was cool because he thinks there's nothing wrong her boobs either and she's smart for not getting ones that would give her back pain.
He was impressed with that and really likes her because she doesn't flinch at how he is and will reciprocate his attempts to connect with her by answering almost anything he asks no matter how harsh or brutal sounding. She just treats him normally and any of his statements or questions as normal too.
You'll be fine, OP, just remember he's a normal person not a mentally challenged person who will appreciate being babied, he will not appreciate that at all.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (21 March 2014):
 All you can do is be yourself. Its really obvious when someone is trying too hard to make other people like them, it comes across as fake and can be irritating. Just be polite, smile, be friendly and be interested in his family. Ask them questions about themselves, remember your manners, offer to help out clearing up after dinner (if you are at their house) - they might not take you up on the offer but it will make a good impression.
It isnt great if you dont want to meet his family because of his brother's Aspergers, its not his fault and he cant help it - you shouldnt be so shallow to want everyone to like you even when you know thats not an option due to his brothers Aspergers. You shouldnt punish your boyfriend by avoiding his family just because of his brother, it will be important to your boyfriend for his family to get to know his girlfriend so suck it up and get on with it.
As I said before, just be nice and friendly, remember your manners and be polite, ask questions about them and their lives and I'm sure it will be fine. Treat the brother like you would treat anyone else, take it on the chin if he makes some off-putting comments and keep in the back of your mind that it may take a few months for the brother to get used to you.
Read this -
http://www.autism.org.uk/about-autism/autism-and-asperger-syndrome-an-introduction/what-is-asperger-syndrome.aspx
Just try and be understanding with the brother, dont expect too much from the 1st meeting and be prepared for some inappropriate comments. I'm sure you will be able to build a relationship with the brother in time, and it will impress your boyfriend more if you show understanding and kindness to the brother rather than getting upset like a child wailing 'so and so doesnt like me'. Your boyfriend doesnt expect you and his brother to get along instantly, new people bring anxiety to those with Aspergers so he will be well aware its not going to be an instant hit between the two of you.
This need for people to like you is really rather childish and not the right way to approach someone with Aspergers, I know you want to make a good impression but in this instance accept its not an option with the brother (you can make a good impression with the parents though), and just be as understanding as you can be, dont get upset and be grown up about it.
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A
female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (21 March 2014):
 Sounds like he's just warning you about his brother because he cares about you and doesn't want you to freak out.
People with Aspergers Syndrome can take lots of time to get used to new people and are pretty blunt and basic with thier replies due to limited social understandings. This does not mean you treat him like he's any different!
I had a friend who had a sister with aspergers and she was very wary of me at first. She also took lots of things literally! Once she got used to be we had loads of fun, all 3 of us.
Just be polite and nice. Try not to take the things that are said to heart. Your boyfriend sounds lovely, and cares for you, so don't be afraid to open up to him if you do get uncomfortable.
Good luck, sweet!
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