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female
age
41-50,
*oxy lady
writes: Im fealing really lonely in my marriage.We have been together for 6yrs and married for 3 yet he never wonts to do anything with me or my 2 children all hes intrested in is computors and says this his is job.i dont see it that way as he will work just for the love of it and only charge someone £20 for 2 days workI have tried to tell him on many occasions how ifeal but he just dosent listen he says he loves me but im not so sure as he makes me feal crap about myself.all we seem to do is argue all the time this is my second marriage and i wont it to work yet im more lonely and missrable in this marriage than i was in my first i could just get up and go taking the children with me . Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009): I think only people that have been married more than one time can truly understand this pain. I was amazed to surf the web and find this site. I have been in a second marriage for more than 20 years now and in the past few years felt very lonely myself. My first marriage ended due to my husband being "married" to sports and coaching of sports in a local high school for too many years. He chose to stay away from home and our children to participate in sporting events and coaching opportunities all year round...until I just could not take it any longer.
When I met my second husband, the sun rose and set on him. He worshipped me and told me he would never ignore me or my children like my first husband did. For a very long time, that was true. However, with time and age, he has become very independent and comes and goes as he pleases without any notice to me. We also have "separate" bank accounts. He is retired and has a good income that is exclusively his. I work and pay all the bills...what is up with that? Things have changed dramatically since we first married. I am convinced they are all the same over time. I still very much desire to be loved, held and romanced. He is happy to be his own person and not accountable to anyone.
I am miserable and don't know what to do. I do not want another divorce. I want to be loved. I talk to him often about this, but I get nowhere. He reassures me that he loves me, but nothing changes. I have become numb and just go to work and come home each evening to my dogs or grandchildren. This has been a horrible time
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007): I totally understand where you're coming from.
I myself am completely at the end of my rope. I myself work full time, have an hour commute to and from work, go to the gym most days after work, have friends, interests and hobbies. But he won't take part in ANYTHING I like to do. I'm at the point where I think I would be happier without him; at least if I were single I could date, so I would get some sex there, or hugs, and out to a friggin movie on occasion.
I honestly think men and women are just too different; I'm starting to think that when they get us, they really don't have any interest in us whatsoever. We don't have kis, so I really don't have any reason to stay.
but I linger here, bored and lonely...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2007): I understand you and for the person saying you should find yourself a job to make yourself "Not lonely" has never been in this for themselves.. I work full time, I have hobbies, I have young children that I keep very busy with (school sports and more sports). My husband chooses to be on his computer, work, gaming etc etc.. for up to 8 hours in a day. I am LONELY and I in need of intamacy from more then children, not sex.. intamacy from my husband.. I am tired and I am to the point I have talked to him over and over and over. His response is I am jealous of his computer.. Wow last sat he spent 10 hours on a online game.. Im not jealous Im tired of being alone in a marriage.. I was less lonely when I lived by myself before him. So being lonely doesnt mean your "needy" or your in need of a job.. it means your husband like mine needs to get off their butt and off their computers before they loose their WIVES!!! Take care of yourself and know your not alone out their. I feel your pain and I hope I can send some of my support your way.. take care of you!!!
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A
female
reader, DeeDoc  +, writes (11 January 2007):
 THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS: Oh dear. Seems like maybe there is a pattern here. The word LONELY keeps coming up. Could it possibly be that you are the type of person that requires companionship more so than not? If so, please don't blame your husband for working. Maybe you might think of finding a hobby while he is working in order to occupy your time. I really feel that there is much more to this story than you are stating. Do you have a job? If not, have you thought of getting one?
I guess basically I would like to know how your first marriage failed to better see why you felt compelled to lable the reason as 'lonliness'. That is a horrible feeling I imagine. Please let me know about your first marriage. Take care...xx
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A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (10 January 2007):
 First no one can make you feel like crap unless you allow them to, and this may be part of the reason why you feel more lonely in this marriage than you did in the first one. I suspect there may be some underlying issues that you need to resolve on your own, the key one being is that I believe you feel like crap all on your own with out any help from him. If your self esteem is where it should be you wouldn;t be complaining about how lonely you are in your marriage, you would be doing something about it. Of course, marriages typically don't get this point simply based on the faults of one of the spouses. It takes two to destroy a marriage... so both of you need to work on it. I'd suggest seeking a counselor for your self and work through the issues of why you are feeling the way you do. When you begin to feel better, you will be able to work on the relationship issues you are having.
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A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (10 January 2007):
 If all that the two of you do when you're together is argue, then I can in some ways understand his reluctance to spend time together with you and your children. I'm not saying that this situation is your fault, but maybe you can be sensitive to how you sound when you talk to him. Do you sound accusing or angry?
Was he always like this (stuck in front of the computer), or did the behavior come about all of a sudden?
Have you tried asking him if there's anything he could think of doing together with you and your kids?
I don't know what it is that he's doing in front of the computer, but maybe you could learn a bit of programming, or read up about computers and you could take about something he's interested in. Just to get a start on communication between the two of you.
I must assume that the two of you had some good times before you got married, so try finding your way back to that.
From the sound of your letter though, it might be difficult to solve this by yourself as he seems unwilling to talk, maybe the two of you could go to a marriage counselor?
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