A
female
age
36-40,
*ichele21
writes:Hi everyone, ok I have a sitution thats a little different then a lot I've read so far. I am a female and I'm with a female, I've been with her off and on for 3 years and she is a wonderful person but she doesn't trust me and she has some serious jealousy issues.... things she won't let go in the past that happen in our realtionship. I just recently moved to Kansas city from South Carolina and was away from her for 6 months, well I wanted her to come visit for her birthday in October so I sent her a plane ticket, she payed half as well... when it came time for her plane to leave she didn't leave on it... she stayed here and we decided we were going to be together... everything is just horrible, we fight at least every other day if not every day and she drinks every night, she's not happy with herself blah blah blah.... and it's driving me crazy...I met a woman about 3 months ago that I've gotten to know as a friend but I'm falling for her something serious, she knows my whole situation and I don't want her to be with someone else and lose my chance because I'm in a realtionship that I'm miserable in but to scared to let go of... I don't wanna make this girl move all the way back home to South Carolina, I'm afraid she will do something crazy to herself she is not stable at all in her life. I broke up with her before and she almost overdosed on pills... so I feel like everthing bad in she does is my fault... I've always been there for her and tried to make it work between us but it's getting too stressful for me and I'm not in love with her any more.I don't know what to do. All I do is think about this other woman all the time even when me and my partner are doing sexual things, I think how I wish it was the other gurl I wanna be with... what should I do? Please someone help me on this situation!!!!!
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female
reader, campfire63 +, writes (8 May 2009):
Dear Michelle21,Your story is familiar and I think you would benefit from understanding what it is that needs work within yourself. You are well meaning in your heart but suffer in some ways in co-dependence. I also believe the process of acceptance is one that you haven't gotten through fully. It is so easy to take on the feelings of another person in trying to prevent any difficult or disappointing outcome of our decisions. You need to be caring but not "care-taking". This means you need to do what is right for you and detach with love. If this means your ex will do something drastic you will have to allow her to make her own choices and find her help and empower her to travel on her own journey without making her journey your responsibility. This doesn't mean you don't care, it means you're choosing a healthier path for yourself. As for the other woman you're interested in, make sure you know how to be alone, to please yourself and find your inner peace before you begin sharing fully in another relationship. You need time to let the first woman go and heal and accept that it doesn't work and when you can see her and feel okay and not worry whether she might do xyz, you are ready to move forward and give to someone else. Maybe it would be best if you remain distance friends and finish what you are in first. Delayed gratification with the new potential lover will only heighten your desire and grow the friendship that will provide a much better base to the lover relationship. Pick up a few self help books and look into yourself deeper and see what you learn about you and then you will have even more to offer as a partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): i understand and feel your missesy in the situation your in, i think your a wonderful person for being concerned about your partners well being even tho you dont love her anymore but its not your responsibility to make this womans life right. If she was happy with you would she be unhappy with herself and be argueing with you all time and be drinking every night? The right thing for you to do is be truthful to yourself and her and break off from her and be happy again yourself. Your life is a precious thing dont live it being unhappy just because you feel guilty about not loving your partner anymore. Put your feelings first for once cos your girlfriend doesnt put your feelings first when she drinking argueing and being jealous. This is a unhealthy relationship that you need to get out of in order to have a happy life. I also am unhappy most of the time but for slightly different reason i am in a relationship with a wonderful person who loves me very much, but i'm in love with someone else but that person does not love me. So i stay in the relationship as i dont want to be alone i am 28 with 5 children 4 from my previous marriage and the other to the man i'm in love with who does not love or want me or his child, i care very much for my boyfriend and hope one day my feelings go for the other guy and i can love my boyfriend as he loves me and be happy in my life like i want to be. I hope you sort your problem out and hope to hear your happy i hope you get the girl you want and the happiness you long for. Kind regards deb
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): While I'm not a lesbian--I was the other woman, similar to the one you 'dream about.'
I kept the faith in my boyfriend because my gut told me to. It worked out.
However, his ex-girlfriend was an alcoholic which ultimately led to the demise of their relationship after 8 years, but just over a year before I met him. They were co-dependent when I met him, although not physical with each other. They both stated they were single---yet she constantly made ultimatums such as, "IF you call her again I'll kill myself." They didn't live together, but after so many years (they were never married) she had access to accounts, etc. to monitor things. I almost left him even though we didn't live together.
His need to 'save her' got old. It was clear she was manipulating him for her own game. The reality was that there was nothing he could do to save her. Her problems were hers. If he wasn't there to blame, there would be someone else, or something else. He needed to stop putting himself in the situation to feel he was the one to blame if she did.
Further, their relationship was toxic. They were each fine if they were apart. But together, they were just bad for each other. They were fine people---apart. But they brought out the worst in each other when together.
Sometimes relationships are that way. It doesn't make either of you a bad person. But the chemistry simply isn't healthy.
The best thing you can do for both of you is to let go. You are responsible for you own happiness, and she to hers. In a relationship we support and help even through tough times---but we aren't the repairers, and can't let others make us believe we are. You have to recognize when a relationship becomes co-dependent and unhealthy.
That said, think hard: The grass is always greener.
Make a good, healthy, objective decision.
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A
female
reader, Cyg79 +, writes (3 November 2008):
 You need to break up with your gf, for the reasons you sated outside of the new love interest. (I would not mention the new love interest to her, so she does not feel as if that is why you are breaking up) Also, you are not responsible for your gf's actions, no matter what happens, you can't control other peoples actions. But to stay with her in fear of her hurting herself is not fair to you. Its a hard situation, but you need to let both of you move on.
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (2 November 2008):
 This is a difficult situation. I think it is important for your well being to move on. The problem here is that she is emotionaly dependant on you. You should say to her that you are not anymore attracted to her, but be gentle and give her time to move out. If she flips, do not feel guilty its not your folt, she needs to respect that and move on with her life. If she comes up with a story that she will do something to herself like commiting suicide, then advise her for some counselling, thats all what you can do. You do not have a moral or ethical obligation to look after her if you tried to advise her for some counselling. It looks like maybe she could have a chemical imbalance or/and a personality disorder. She could also say these things for the purpose of emotional blackmail. It is time that you think about yourself and end the relationship. You need to pull yourself together and get the confedents to tell her what you feel and remember she needs to respect that. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Cheater32 +, writes (2 November 2008):
 Wow I can understand You're stress, remember something you are entitled to be happy really HAPPY. You're partner is resppnsible for herself it sounds like she may have mental issues and a drinking problem. I suggest you break up with her but push for her tp get help FIRST. Its going to be hard for her but she is an adult. EXpress that you will always love her and care for her. ITs a hard thing to do but you deserve to be happy.
TAKE CARE!!
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