A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really do not know what to do. I have been married for 13 years to an alcoholic. We have two beautiful boys. I am miserable. He has been seeking help through AA on and off for the last year, but still he chooses to sneak and get drunk. Last night was an example. I went to my second job and he went to an AA meeting and by the time I got home he was pathetically wasted. He has never been an everyday drinker, but his unexpected episodes are like living on a rollercoaster. I work two jobs trying to pay our debt which is enormous(and some of it is from his alcoholic antics). When he drinks he is out of control. I hate going to any functions with him because I fear he will sneak a drink(which he has done on numerous occasions) and then he humilates me and the kids. I am a nervous wreck when we go to any events. The problem is I would leave him if I didn't have so much debt. I do not want to uproot my children from the house and neighborhood school they love (this is their stability). I also have two dogs which are part of the family so moving to an apartment is out of the question. I just feel so alone and really am too embarrassed to talk to anyone about this because I don't want people feeling sorry for me. I just want a life back that is not consumed by his alcoholism. I am a very good person, but I too want to be loved. I am tired of being my husband's mother and nurse. I just do not think divorce is an option given the financial situation so I feel I am literally stuck in a loveless marriage.
View related questions:
alcoholic, debt, divorce, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): It is me--thanks for the insight but today was finally what I think is my rock bottom. He of course drank while I was at work, drove my oldest to basketball, couldn't even walk when I got home. I wouldn't let him have his keys so he chased me then shoved my oldest son who was trying to protect me. I immediately kicked him where it counts, he fell then when he got up he tried to come at me again, I kicked him in the face, after a serious brawl, I finally just gave him his keys and told him I didn't care what happened to him... and I really don't I just have a lot to work out right now and pray that we(my sons and I) will be ok. I can't understand how he can go to an AA meeting this morning and still choose to get drunk this afternoon. I really don't get it at all.
A
female
reader, devastated2008 +, writes (27 September 2009):
 You're wrong, you are not stuck. I know it feels that way and you may have true financial need, but don't let that be your cop-out for staying. The kids may have to make adjustments but again you are making excuses.I am not trying to be unsympathetic... to the contrary, I am very sympathetic. Your life as you are living it is miserable and hopeless. You see that part right? You feel it.Now visualize going to an attorney and getting a legal separation, then packing up HIS stuff and setting it out on the curb and changing the locks. Send as much of the debt his way as you legally can... you don't have to assume all that debt and he'll be responsible for any new debt that he acrues. I think you may be surprised that your income may not change that much especially if he's spending a big portion on alcohol (he can't claim THAT as an expense). You also might easily come out ahead on the debt load. As far as your children go, there is a good chance that you can stay in your home. He should be the one to leave and the court will likely back that up. Now as far as being embarassed to speak to anyone- well get over it and get over it quick. You've already been humiliated and hurt over his behavior... you're not fooling anyone THEY ALL KNOW ALREADY. You have nothing to lose by sharing and allowing others the privilege of helping you and loving you. When you open up to them and genuinely express your pain and ask for help... you will have all the friends and support you will need. And you will need them all, because at times it will be very hard; people like to help when they are trusted with the real you. First step is the attorney.Then next is kicking him out. The attorney will be easy. Kicking him out will require you to take on a firm resolve, but you can do it... with each step you will feel stronger and gain confidence. Don't talk to him any more than you absolutely have to- your actions will say it all. Talking will just allow him a chance to manipulate and weaken your resolve (he's an addict so this is a given and you're co-dependent so its a given that you will be susceptible to it). He'll know why he's out the door so no need to waste time explaining and don't give him warning. Don't complain, whine or beg for him to change or even criticize his choices- he has his, you have yours. Choose one statement to be your response to everything he says or for anything anyone else may criticize- something like "I can no longer tolerate living with an alcoholic." Don't argue it just keep repeating your statement if necessary.Next, is a support system. You will need it. You will need several people you can talk openly to you and who are able to listen to your pain and who you can vent to. It has to be more than one or you will overwhelm one person... because you may need to talk a LOT. Al-anon is also necessary- he is not the only problem in your house, you are part of the problem and you need to address it- you're an enabler and are using his sickness as a cop-out for your unhappiness. I know that's harsh but it's also true. Just as he needs AA, you need Al-anon.You will need people to help with child care (take every trustworthy offer), if people can help with the house or yard whatever ... speak up and tell them when they ask, "how can I help?" Trust that they truly care and WANT to help. Be open to others but don't blab every hurt, insult, and terrible thing he has done... no whining, but do say things like "I just want a life back that is not consumed by his alcoholism," and open up and admit to people that you are lonely, sad, angry, hurt, SCARED... actually say how you feel. This is totally different from people feeling sorry for you. You are not whining complaining or being a victim... you are stating facts and trusting other people to care. And when they care recognize it for LOVE and CONCERN and ACCEPT it!It is a cop-out, victimized, self-pitying decision to do nothing. You actually have nothing to lose at this point. If you stay in the current situation you are condoning AND assisting in his addiction, you are teaching your children to do the same and exposing them to much more true harm than potential poverty and a new school district. Right now you are teaching them how to live their life...and if you continue to live this way they will not have the opportunity to experience a healthy lifestyle. How you CHOOSE to live your life impacts them more than their friends, school and neighborhood.It is a much more loving action to kick his butt to the curb then to accept this... when you allow this what your actions are really saying is "you can't do better, your hopeless,pathetic and need me to take care of you"... how depressing. When you kick him out (without a lot of drama and anger) your actions are saying, "I am no longer willing to tolerate anything less than your best." Do not even consider getting into another relationship until you have healed from this one... otherwise you will likely get right back into a co-dependent relationship just with a different man (one who's not the children's father which is so much worse). I hope you understand that I truly do sympathize with your situation. I could tell you how terrible a man he is and how you deserve better (which you do) and how you should go out and find you a man that will love you the way you deserve... I could do all that and more, but then that would be pity, wouldn't it?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): According to AA, alcoholics don't begin to turn around until they hit rock bottom. As long as you're working so hard to keep things together, he might not hit that, but instead keep pulling you down. Perhaps you need to kick him out?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): My father was an alcoholic, he was in detox twice, and he passed away last year. Please think about your children and what would be best for them. Talk with someone you trust, like a pastor, counselor, doctor, etc. to explain and voice your concerns for your sake and mental health. What you describe about going to functions with him in fear that he would drink, are familiar to me because my mother would sometimes decline invitations to events for the same reason. Holidays were the worst- at family funtions my dad would get drunk and the ride home he would act crazy. While I was grateful to grow up with both a mother and a father, I sometimes wish my mother had divorced my father because it hurt me to see him put her through so much pain and suffering. She would enable him by putting up with his drinking and make excuses for him. She also wouldn't explain why daddy was lying on the floor or why he couldn't walk, stand straight, or speak properly without slurring his words. While it would be difficult to move out, you again have to seriously think about it and the impact it will have on your family if you choose to stay. Please read and research alcoholism, go to family counseling, talk to someone on your own to express your feelings. It is very difficult to go through, but please remember you are not alone. This site might also help as well. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Good luck to you and again, you are not alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, brownsugar33 +, writes (27 September 2009):
this is not easy I have been there 15 years 3 children so I definetely know what yu are talking about, it took me 15years to leave because i kept praying for him to stop, then i had to stop at lok at it, yes i loved him, but look what he was doing to me and the family and he had to make a decision me or the alcohol, so he chose to sneak and drink then come home drunk if he came home, you cant force an alcoholic to stop drinking because they dont wantto stop so dont stress yourself out any longer get out because it can turn for the worse and your boys dont need to see that, that is not a good example for them. Good Luck!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (27 September 2009):
 Divorce could be your option depending on what state you live in and who's name the debt is in. You will also want to look at bankruptcy options both divorced and married.
I'm sure you're aware of the term rock bottom. Your husband needs to reach it. If you keep enabling him then he is likely never to reach it.
Another option could be to take complete control of the money. Have everything placed in your name. Then he can not get his hands on any money to buy alcohol. If he borrows from friends, once he doesn't pay them back then they'll stop loaning.
Use a debit card as often as possible (don't give him the pin) and kept a strict eye on the amount of money in the house. Make sure your kids don't give him money.
But, I would seriously look into divorce and bankruptcy as an alcholic usually will find a way to get his drink.
...............................
|
