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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for just under 2 years. My husband and I have had problems communicating. Also, I have been insecure and holding him back from going out with his friends. I admit this is a problem, but the poor communication makes me feel insecure about our marriage. Anyway, a few days ago he tells me that he thinks he wants out of our marriage, that he feels trapped and that he also feels we grew apart. He also told me that he still loves me, but he is friends with other women that he feels he may be more compatible with (i.e. share more common interests). Although I know we've had problems, the fact that he tells me he still loves me makes me feel we should try to work things out. Also, we have been clearing the air, and opening up more to each other since this happened. However, he tells me he isn't sure if he wants to try or not. I am wondering if it's because of a co-worker that he's friends with, but he tells me it's not because of anyone else. He is going out with this co-worker and with other co-workers next weekend. First he told me I could go if I want, but when I showed interest, he told me he wanted his space. My question is should I just give up and move on? Should I ask him to move out or should I let him stay at home with the possibility that he is forming a personal bond with a female co-worker? Should I not feel threatened by this new friendship? He says there's nothing wrong with him having a female friend, but it does trouble me, since he doesn't want me to go out with them. He claims that it's because I want to go for the wrong reasons (i.e. to make sure he's not doing anything).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): I have a couple of ideas. Firstly, your husband is being cagey about his female friends because you expressed that you are feeling threatened. In turn, he will keep these friendships 'secret' to avoid confrontation from you. This makes you even more insecure and could make him resentful. It's a catch 22 situation. Secondly, why don't you embrace these women, otherwise how are you going to know that he is loyal to you and they have no hidden agenda? Organise a get together at your home and invite all of his female friends as well. Look your best and be your best on the day. You may be surprised by how many turn up and how they will like you and have wanted to meet you. They may even turn their own suspicions onto your husband for hiding you from them. Lastly, how good is your self-esteem? Do you have a life away from the cloister of marriage? Do you still maintain the mystery that attracted your husband to you in the beginning? Do you have close male friends at work, school, church etc? Lastly, please don't feel threatened by it all just because these women are single. Would you feel so bad if they were married? Like me, we are single for our own various reasons and we might actually envy you for your security. It is your bed he sleeps in and at your table which he eats. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Becca42478 +, writes (27 September 2005):
I would feel threatened too. I think if you are married you have the right to know that your husband is being faithful to you and there is nothing wrong with that. If he's cheating on you, he ia not going to admit it. If he wants out of the marriage already with out even trying to work out your communication skills as a couple it doesn't sound like he has much gumption and he's not giving your marriage a fair chance. If he's already paying more attention to other women he doesn't sound very loyal. I think you know that you are not wrong to feel threatened by his female friend. You just wanted to hear someone else say it. Because if you believe what he tells about the situation you probably could be relying on someone who doesn't care about you as much as you care about yourself. Best wishes.
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