A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am married for four years been together for nine years. And we have a six year old son together. My husband is a control freak had to know where, when, who and what!! And if I ask him to do anything especially when it comes to my family the answer is always no. We always fight. I work with this guy only on the weekends who I gotten to be friends with and have breakfast with and we flirt with each other. He is married but us getting a divorce. Over the last few months we have been texting and eventually before things escalated I told my husband that I wanted to be single. Well me and the guy from work agreed to be FWB and we hooked up a couple of times and hang out outside of work and text everyday. I am falling for him and kinda told him and he tells me that I am a nice person and that he enjoys spending time with me! The bad part is some people at work notice the flirting but I deny it and everyone says how big of a flirt he is a how he was talking to another girl at work and when it came out he denied everything. My husband wants us to stay together but I feel disconected from him and all I can think about is the other guy and we were talking about getting an apartment together now he saying that I can visit him instead and that is not what I want. It's complicated cause he even mentioned if we lived together can we hook up with other people. Oh did I mention I am 27 and he is 41 and not that it's all that bad cause my husband is 37
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Well, what are you doing with your life. You are married, and obviously married far too young from reading your post, and how you are addressing the problem of a failing marriage.
You cannot resolve one relationship problem whilst CREATING another problem which will only snowball out-of control, as you are already experiencing, as the guy is really only interested in you for SEX. Encouraging people to cheat, is not something I ever condone, whatever the reason the marriage is failing - FWB's is nothing more than casual sex, where you become just a commodity for a brief time, it does not extend to living together or building a healthy relationship. But IF one is single, and NOT hurting anyone but themselves, then fine, each to their own.
Only in your case, you are hurting more than yourself, regardless of the problems you have with your husband, being a control freak etc..etc..although with your current response to a 'rough patch in your marriage' is to seek casual sex whilst remaining at home, it may well be reason your husband has become suspicious of you, and checks as far as he can on your whereabouts.
Usually, there is no smoke without fire, I said usually, and your thought process's on dealing with this, is not very emotionally mature. If you don't want to be your husband and work on your marriage to see if you can resolve these issues, then fine, people can fall out of love, but ultimately it is how you DEAL with it, and in the long run, the decisions you make now, will affect you for the future.
How people will see you, how other females will see you, whether they will build a friendship with you to how MEN will see you, and whatever anyone says, men do not respect women who accept casual sex, they will go along with it for a brief time, then move on. And as I note this FWB's has already started to look around, suggest hooking up with other people. Yet your husband wants to TRY and make your marriage work.
Of course you will feel disconnected from your husband, you are seeing another man, having sex with him. STOP seeing this other man and concentrate on your marriage, give it a year, go to counselling, do anything and everything to get it back on track, so there can be NO if's or buts, you've done all you can.
if you can't, don't, or won't do this, then you are not mature enough to be in a marriage, because marriage is not like dating, than when you get fed-up, there's no flirting, or you have differences that you just go off and sleep with another man - marriage is NOT about that, it's about routine and very much working together on issues.
And as for you saying there is no problem with these age gaps, from your posting, I think there is a HUGE problem, it's not working with your husband, he's 37, and other man is 41 who is married, getting a divorce ( big alarms bells) he won't be ready for any long-term relationship for years, until it's well and truly over. Additionally, lots of married men say they're getting divorced, when they have no intentions of it. You sound as though you probably missed out on a lot of ' SINGLE growing up' both emotionally and with life's experiences, therefore surfacing now for you and your husband.
Cheating is never nice, especially for those who find out from someone other than their husband or wife, and most spouses find out one way or another, and it is devastating.
I'm sorry it's not what you want to hear, but not many AA or Uncles ever condone or agree with cheating. Don't want your marriage, don't love your husband, then MOVE out and divorce him. At least then, if you decide to have casual sex, you are already living separately with a divorce imminent, and frankly if a FWB's is all you want or set yourself up, you will never run out of takers, just go on FB, MSN or any other social networking site.
Please think about you marriage, and what this will do to your husband should he find out, he's already suspicious of you. Either work on it, or leave him, but don't be a cheat!
Jilly
A
female
reader, metalheadmom +, writes (9 December 2010):
 WHY did you think you could do a FWB relationship? Clearly you crave closeness, clearly you crave togetherness. FWB MEANS no connection, no commitment, JUST sex. Nobody can handle a FWB, unless they are completely sure SEX is the only thing they are in it for. MOST woman cannot have sex without becoming emotionally attached.
So, since you are not emotionally stable enough to do the FWB thing, divorce your husband, and try living on your own. The last thing you need is to instantly hook up again, and if you think this guy will change his mind and do it with you, forget it.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Okay both situations are unhealthy. Abusive controlling husband vs a guy that is using and neglecting you.
I say you're on the right track not staying with your husband, but you're not doing yourself a favor seeing this other guy who really isn't committing to anything with you. He's married still or at least on a rebound while he is divorcing.
Rather than being co-dependent and staying with either of these guys. Seek counseling, get your life together, learn to be independent and eventually the right nice guy will come along.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (9 December 2010):
it sounds like your friend with benefits has other friends with benefits and wants it to stay that way.
i don't think he is willing to commit to you as much as you are to him and you need to tread very carefully with this.
think seriously though about you husband and son and what impact leaving them will have. Is there nothing that can save your marriage?
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