A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had a one night stand with a stranger several years ago... shameful bad naughty me, i get it. It was my one act of stupid foolish wildness that prompted me to be a better person, to never be so silly no matter what life throws my way. I am not the person I was.Basically that night produced a child of which i kept. I did inform the "father" but he cut all contact with me when i discovered the pregnancy. He has not contacted me since and I have taken action to prevent him from finding us.He was a one night stand, he's not on the birth certificate, he has had no role in my child's life over the last 2 and a half years. He's not been there child support wise either. He was a stranger and likewise, i was a stranger to him.I've done everything raising my child and he has done nothing. He didn't grow the child, suffer major medical problems, endure a difficult birh and recovery, have years of sleepless nights, feed child, clothe child, love child, educate child, support child, breastfeed child, put heart and soul into child, mold child etc....... I DID! I've put all this effort in and I'm just scared in case this effective sperm donor tries to claim MY child. I have no idea what hell he could bring to our lives. You may say my child has a right to know his/her father but i have a right to protect my child from a stranger.My question is... how do i ensure i remain sole guardian in case the fathers should one day want to know his son/daughter? What rights do i have keeping my child from this stranger who has done nothing for my child and has never been there??When my child is 18 then my child can choose whether to see his/her father but until that time i will protect my child from all possible dangers. My child is not a toy or a pocession, my child is my life and i will protect my child until my last breath.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): Wow, first of all - props to you for doing it alone with a child. That can't have been an easy decision, and it must have meant a LOT of hard work. You're clearly a really strong person.I can understand completely your fears with regard to this man (I'm not going to call him a 'partner', as he doesn't deserve the name). Your impulse not to want him anywhere near your family is something I can really sympathize with. I have a toxic ex-partner in my life, of whom I am completely terrified, and if we had a child I would live under a cloud of dread that he might resurface at some point. I know that to all intents and purposes it seems like this guy has NO interest in his kid right now - but people can change, and you need to protect yourself against that.First of all, I think you should take all reasonable precautions to ensure that you are not easily locatable. That means giving some things up: go ex-directory, stay very very private on social media (if you use it at all), and ensure that your details are not on the electoral role, 192.com, or any other site that makes you easy to find. You may need even to consider some extreme measures like moving home, or changing your name. Be very careful to ensure that there are no potential 'leaks' - mutual friends who know your whereabouts who might give you away. Check out websites on 'how to disappear' for more advice (I'm not suggesting you disappear, merely that these websites offer some advice about how to make yourself less traceable). Simply by making the job of tracking you down harder, you will put a massive barrier between yourself and this guy, because it sounds like he really isn't the type to take time and effort over anything. Unfortunately, if he does find you, he will have rights to see and visit his child. Though I highly, highly doubt that any court would grant him sole custody over you, he would be able to get to see the child for half the time. :( I do think dealing with your child's feelings on the matter is another issue - here I recommend that you are as honest about the situation as possible. The chances are, at some point in their teens, your child will want to get in contact with the father - it's part of their understanding of 'who they are' and an important stage of growing up. This could be difficult to navigate for both of you, and I recommend you prepare yourself for it early by reading up on this situation in one of the many self-help books on the subject available on the market to see both sides of the story. The more you can understand your child's developmental process, the better able you will be to navigate this difficult topic at every stage.Good luck!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 September 2011):
You have precisely no right to stop him seeing your child if he gets into contact and can get a court order. But he has to go to court, explain his actions, pay all monies owed in terms of child support. A judge will then make a decision based on what is right for the child, and no one else.
However, because you were not married, you have the last say on just about everything. His name is not on the birth certificate and you don't have to put it there. Nearly all decisions that are not connected to the court will be yours.
Also bear this in mind: at some point, that wonderful child of yours will want answers. At the moment, it's all good saying that you'll protect it. Can't blame you there. But if you go down the route of 'waiting until the child is 18', you might find your child will resent you for it. So be very, very careful as to what you say and more importantly whether you continually want to take action so you can't be found. Because whilst the father may have to answer to the court, you might have to answer some rough questions from your child. And children are not so forgiving when they find out they've been let down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): If the father were to contact you he would have a right to get to know his child. No court would award him custody straight away as the child wouldn't know him but yes, he would be allowed regular visitation and, if he wanted it, he could later get custody for the child at least half the time.
The fact that he has not seen, spoken to nor paid for the child could easily be circumvented by the fact that you 'took measures' to ensure he didn't find you. In simple terms, if he says he took steps to find you but couldn't, the court would overlook the other issues such as non payment of child support since in essence they were your fault.
I know this is not the answer you were looking for. It might be worth speaking to a family lawyer (I'm a lawyer but don't specialise in family law) but essentially the father as pretty much the same rights to the child as you do, the fact that he isn't named on the birth certificate etc would only mean that if he claimed the child there would be an additional step (ie paternity test).
I don't mean to worry you but i think it's better you know the facts. This is not something you want to be brought to court because it is a fundamental right of any parent (mother or father) to be able to see their child.
That said it seems very unlikely that he would want to claim the child given that he hasn't spoken to you since the start of your pregnancy!
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 If you're that concerned then you should consult a lawyer for legal advice..or perhaps if you have a friend who is a lawyer.
Chances are if he knows about the pregnancy and cut off contact, hasn't contacted you since, then sad to say he probably doesn't care about the child.
Just in case, still consult a lawyer on how to go about this, if it does happen one day in the future.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 September 2011):
 What makes you even think he will try to claim some kind of parental right? I think cutting contact with you the second he found out you were pregnant was a pretty good indicator that this guy has no interest in being any kind of parent. There is no reason any court anywhere would give this man any kind of legal custody seeing as he hasn't been paying child support, hasn't been present in any way, and basically acted like an irresponsible selfish jerk at first. It doesn't sound like this guy has any motivation to try anything, I don't think you should worry so much about the possibility of it happening. Especially since engaging in any kind of legal battle will result in a large financial burden for him.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (7 September 2011):
Well I'm sure you are not the first and won't be the last to have a one night stand (so no need to beat yourself up over that one!)
It seems like the father (or should that be 'sperm donor') isn't interested anyway. But you would need to seek legal advise over what to do if for some reason he did become interested in seeing his child. (As I am not sure what legal rights he has?) But I am sure he would have some if he were to pursue it. (unless there was some reason for him to be considered a threat, drugs or something?) Go and see a solicitor so you know you rights just in case he does have a change of heart.
And well done you for bringing the child up alone, must be hard, and at least your act of 'stupid foolish wildness' as you put,(not my opinion by the way!) brought you something that changed you for the better (every cloud and all that!) ;-)
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