A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am feeling insecure about my bf and his female friend. My bf and I have been together for a couple of years and we live together, mostly quite happily. He and his friend have known eachother since they were small children. They have went on out of state road trips just the two of them, camping, concerts, etc, though they never "dated". I don't have a huge problem with his other female friends (though I always feel a tad jealous when they talk on the phone or text a lot). But he has admitted that he was in love with this particular girl. This was almost a year into our relationship when I asked if he had feelings for her, and he reluctantly said yes. He claims, a year or so later, that he is no longer in love with her, but still wants to continue talking to her and seeing her every once in awhile. Granted this seems to happen every month or two, I still feel so hurt and sad that he continued to love her after her fell in love with me. I don't even know if I can trust that he really isn't in love with her anymore, or if he's just saying it to make me feel better.She's coming over this weekend. Should I be upset that he continues to see her and talk to her? Is it ok for them to still be friends? Do you think he still has feelings for her? Thank you.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (16 July 2012):
My own opinion is that your boyfriend has likely had a crush on this girl for quite some time, probably years, and she has relegated him to the friend-zone. I'm not saying he would or has cheated on you, or that he would even break up with you if his friend suddenly wanted to date him. However, it is likely that there's a part of him that still holds out hope of something happening with her, so he can't completely let go. He has accepted friendship because that's as far as she will let him get, and just being her friend and getting her attention satisfies a certain need in his life.That said, it is possible that there's some sexual history between the two as well. I'm not sure you want to go there and ask, and I'm also not sure he would admit to it if it were true. Just because they never dated properly doesn't mean they never slept together. There were feelings he admitted to, and probably attraction. Factor in that there was opportunity in the past and it is easy to see how something casual between the two is at least somewhat likely.I personally am not good with guy / girl friendships. I think 99% of the time one of the two is harboring a crush or feelings, which is why the friendship lasts. A few months ago, an ex admitted to me that not more than a month after we broke up she was hanging out with her guy BFF and wouldn't you know it, they ended up hooking up. I had told her while we were together that I wasn't comfortable with her male friend, and I explained my side that I felt he had wanted to be with her. She wouldn't listen, and even after it happened she chalked it up to being just "spur of the moment". Nope... he had the idea for a very, very long time and FINALLY got his chance. How she could not see that is beyond me.Considering all of what I've posted, I'm not really sure what advice to give you OP. Only you can know how deep your feelings are for your bf, and how innocent (or not) his friendship is with this other girl. All I can say is if the relationship with your boyfriend doesn't work out, that is something you should look for early on. When I'm getting to know a girl if I find out she has a guy BFF or a lot of guy friends / hangs out with guys alone regularly, I get out before I get attached. Experience tells me it saves trouble down the road.Best of luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): Also- just so he knows what it feels like, ask him honestly how he would feel if you told him you reconnected with an old guy friend and suddenly fell in love with him. His heart should only belong to you, which is why people get together isn't it? I understand how much it hurts and how unfair it is. You shouldn't have to be insecure, jealous or full of worry and sorrow, wondering what he is up to at every moment of the day. When someone enters a relationship, they're basically promising to dedicate most of their time to one person , not giving the same amount of attention to a female friend. Youve posted about this before, havent you?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (16 July 2012):
 I understand the "very much in love" part. At some point though, the pain might be more than you can tolerate. The fact she is an "old childhood friend" makes no difference. She is a female and seeing your guy...for whatever reason really doesn't matter. Just keep your eyes and ears open and keep evaluating this situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): ask him if theyve had sex before yous got together if yes thn honestly try build up the courage to leave him. i know its hard expesily if you love him but for all you know they could be havn a affair.!!
some women are awsome at saying theyer "just friends" .... i hope you find a solution to your problem..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers. For clarification, he has not been on any trips alone with her since we started dating, except for a hike once. He has made an effort to not talk to her or see her as much, but is against cutting ties. I feel like he loves me and that our relationship is strong. I decided to stay with him when I found out, despite how broken hearted I was. Very in love I guess.
I just feel so uneasy and get really angry and emotional whenever he/we see her. I'm always wondering if he's thinking about her, or comparing me to her. It drives me crazy, but the thought of my life without him makes me even crazier. We're best friends and very much in love, I just wish I was the only one in his heart.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): What if you could choose between him being in touch with her but never having loved her, or them being out of touch but him still having feelings for her? I bet you would choose the first one.
The point is this. I think you are probably more bothered by the fact that he had/has feelings for her than the fact that he is in contact with her now. I think you should focus on dealing with the core issue first, and then decide how much contact you can tolerate them having as a separate issue.
(If him & her are taking trips together in the present day then it would be a major violation of the rules. But I don't think that was what you meant.)
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 July 2012):
 Yes he still has feelings for her and whether or not its OK for them to be friends depends entirely on you. I personally would be very uncomfortable with this but remember that just by stopping someone from meeting another person will never put an end to their feelings. You can forbid him from meeting her but (a) that wont mean he still doesn't like her, and (b)you cant keep an eye on him all the time and see what he's doing or whom he's talking to.
Sorry but you are the sloppy seconds for this guy. If he loves her so much then what the hell is he doing with you? First he dates you then he has the cheek to tell you that he was and (no matter how much he denies) obviously still is in love with that other girl!! Its extremely humiliating and insulting for you to take in all of this and pretend to be fine with it.
Break up with him and let him be free to pursue his "love". You are way too good for any guy who has only half a heart for you. When you are with someone that person should be entirely for you and there cannot be even a shadow of another person in the picture.
Walk away with dignity. There's nothing worse than being with a man who likes someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): Run and don't look back. This guy is disregarding your feelings COMPLETELY. I'm sorry, but it does seem that he is still in love with her otherwise he wouldn't be putting so much effort into seeing her so often. Totally inappropriate. Please take your dignity and leave!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (16 July 2012):
You should have a problem with it because if he really cared about and wanted YOU, he would not be communicating with and taking trips with HER. You need to make it known that you do not like him communicating with, seeing, and/or taking trips with her. If he doesn't take you seriously and stop what he is doing, you may have to leave him. I am not a believer in the philsophy that men and women can just be friends. I am not sure why men think they can have someone they call a girlfriend and then constantly communicate with and see other women. It shows a total lack of respect for their girlfriends. Since I do not believe men and women can be friends without sex or sexual feelings getting involved...that would be my answer. He should not be seeing this girl and she should not be coming over. It is wrong and insulting to you.
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