A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi.. I have seen on the search history that my boyfriend stays viewing porn. At first it didn't bother, but now he sees it everyday. I also saw he was getting emails from a swingers club but it was dated several months after we started dating.. he is 40 and I just turned 25. He also tends to compare to actresses when watching a movie. I have tryed to speak to him but he gets upset. Lately.. I have just given up.. he has really created such an insecurity within me.. I can't and don't deserve this ... I want to handle it the best way possible.. thank you
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insecure, porn, swinging Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with Dr.Cal... I really feel it's disgusting and degrading.. he doesn't appreciate what he has.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2011): ”And lastly, you need to know that a lot of women your age feel threatened by porn. It's natural to feel this way. Us as women look for security in a relationship and porn can make us forget we have this. As I have heard from older women, you become more accepting as time goes on.“
This is not about being threatened by porn- this is about porn addiction and someone who is on swinger sites. She doesn't have security- what she has is a 40 year old who is addicted to porn and swinger sites and who lies about it.
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (4 February 2011):
 You have to first decide whether or not you are going to learn to deal with the porn or not. If you decide you don't want him to look at it, then you need to dump him. Most men who say they will stop looking at it will lie about and still use it. Its not because they don't love and respect you, it's because they need their personal time to do their own thing without having to worry about anyone else. Second, if you stay with him, ask him to stop making remarks comparing you to other women. Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable. If he can't stop that then he is just a jerk. He can makes notes in his head about what is hot on her and what is hot on you, but not out loud if you feel bad when he does so.And lastly, you need to know that a lot of women your age feel threatened by porn. It's natural to feel this way. Us as women look for security in a relationship and porn can make us forget we have this. As I have heard from older women, you become more accepting as time goes on. Sometimes you even ask them to go watch some porn because you are so tired from being with the kids or whatnot. I have learned to be more accepting of it since I found out about it almost a year ago with my man. You have to remember that they naturally have higher sex drives than most women. Sex/masturbation once or twice a day is not a huge amount. If a man produces a ton of cum each day, he will feel full (in a sense) and needs to release it. Especially if he is used to doing it. It feels awkward if he has to go from once a day release to once a week release. (Just an example, I'm not trying to assume details of your sex life.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, quick update I just found out he signed to this site called allparties.com, it lets you know events in clubs, and has pictures of girls almost half naked... ughh what is wrong with me. P.s. I dont want to let him know that i know... this sucks
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): I would dump him. First he is too old for you. Second, he is becoming addicted to porn, even if you are someone who is ok with it- you will never have a good sex life with someone who puts a fantasy over you. Third he compares you to actresses- someone who compares you to anyone else is only interested in you as something to boost their ego/image not in you for you. Fourth, he is on swingers sites, he is most likely a cheater who will abuse you and risk your health!
He's upset, too bad! Let him find someone else to tolerate all of this. Get rid of him now before you get in any deeper.
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (3 February 2011):
 That's exactly my point. I wasn't talking about porn in my last answer, most men watch it and unfortunately they're not going to stop. Some men will make stupid comments and compare you to an actress or model thinking it's no big deal, and that's just ignorance on his part. But if he really cared about you, why be active in a swingers' club? He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Get rid of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would understand if he didn't do it everyday but it has become a bad habit! I know everything in moderation.. but these emails including swingers club is a concern.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would understand if he didn't do it everyday but it has become a bad habit! I know everything in moderation.. but these emails including swingers club is a concern
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): 70% of men confess to looking at online porn. If it bothers you that he's looking at porn then you can either stop snooping on him and ignore it or try to talk to him about it. If he is not willing to talk then think about leaving him. Because if a 40 year old man cannot communicate with you & what he's doing makes you insecure then he's not worth your time and you deserve better.
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A
male
reader, Leodjoneluv +, writes (3 February 2011):
 Dont be insecure about the porn. Some people just like porn, I watch it sometimes. I joke with my girlfriends and watch it with them. I did have an old girlfriend that told me that it bothered her when I watched porn and would go months with out being intimate with her. I had to be concern about her feelings, so I would not watch it around her. Porn just passes time. He loves u and he is with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much... you are right!
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A
female
reader, xanthic +, writes (3 February 2011):
The best way to handle it is to leave him, he has no respect for you and is taking you for granted. He was stupid enough not to cover his tracks the first time, speaking to him about what you found will just make him be more careful. It doesn't mean he'll stop.
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