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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I am obsessed with becoming thinner than I am. Although I know that the way I am made, it is impossible for me to be tall and thin, I want to be thinner. I am 130 pounds and 5'5 so my height places me at a disadvantage, but even though I'm very curvy, and should be PROUD of what I have, I feel like I'm not good enough compared to my almost 5'8 14 year old sister who is a professional ballerina. I feel fat compared to her and she doesn't make it any better by making mean comments sometimes. I have a very pretty face but I have cushion here and there and I'm desperate to get rid of it. I do exercise and I become content with the way I am but it doesn't last and then I begin over exercising. What can I do? My boyfriend seems to love my tummy and love my big butt but I always seek reassurance and feel like he wants me to be skinnier... I guess this is all because he made a comment a couple of months ago about me being an "80" and needing to tone up to be a "100." After that remark, I grew so very insecure. What can I do? I believe my boyfriend wasn't trying to be harsh or mean but speaking the truth. But I was overweight (close to 160) in my early teens and any comments about my weight really make me emotional. What do I do?
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female
reader, Jmaddocks  +, writes (21 March 2012):
I have almost the exact same problem! my boyfriend said his last gf technically had a better body than me, and its bothered me way to much ever since, he said it was only because she was more toned then me. Ever since i have been working my butt off trying to tone up and drop a few kg in the process, a few friends have mentioned i look thinner but i don't see it and I don't think my boyfriend does either, I have started doing workouts like yoga, pilates and beginner ballet to get toned and gain some self-confidence, maybe you could do this to? i have been talking to my boyfriend about this dilemma a lot lately because it has been getting me down so much and really it comes down to just being comfortable with who you are. I'm a few inches taller then you but im also curvy and not on the bigger side. im sure you have a great figure and if your boyfriend is anything like mine im sure he loves your figure more then anybodies and regrets what he said. i hope this helps, this is the first time ive ever posted on here
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (16 December 2011):
 I am 5'5 just like you. 90-100 pounds for that height is unhealthy and too skinny. You could go to 112-120 depending on the size of your body frame. If you have "cushion" that you would like to get rid of, I say go for it. You're young and now is the time to lose weight. The older you get, the harder it becomes to burn off fat, so now is the time. Don't try to compare and compete with your sister. She is 3 inches taller with a ballerina body! That's not you, so perfect your own body and don't listen to your boyfriend either. He probably has no idea what 90-100 pounds actually look like on a 5'5 person. That amount would look decent on someone 5'0-5'2, not with someone taller.
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female
reader, angelalb +, writes (16 December 2011):
Your boyfriends a jerk for that comment. I used to be 130 thought I was fat but now I am 98lb lost weight due to a stomach condition called Gastroparesis now I wish I was 130 I am too skinny. I have curves and there is nothing wrong with it. I know alot of guys who like curvy women. My husband is one of them. You need to feel good about yourself. You should not judge yourself based on looks compared to other people or what they say. Everyone is made different for different reasons.
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (16 December 2011):
Cerberus sums everything up quite nicely, but I'll throw in my comments just to reinforce some of the things he said.
You will never be happy with your body through changing your body. You will ONLY be happy with your body through changing your mind. Take it from a male who had been really skinny in high school. I was 6'3" and 160 pounds. I was considered "lanky" and although I got plenty of attention from girls and had no problem getting girlfriends, I still let comments about my skinniness get to me and often felt a lack of confidence in myself.
Come college, I worked out like hell. I'm talking every day. I ended up putting on a lot of lean muscle, and while the complements from people flowed in (wow, you have a great body! You're so toned! etc. etc.), I never felt good about myself. I was still convinced I wasn't perfect. I'd pick out the most ridiculous things I needed to fix about myself. For a while I thought my shoulders were to small and worked on getting them more shaped. Then it was my abs that were imperfect, then my chest, then my back was too bony, then my legs weren't strong enough, my calves were a weird size, and so on and so on. Trust me when I say that it never ends.
Today, I'm fresh out of college and feeling great about myself. I still go to the gym a few times a week, but mostly for cardiovascular health and to relieve stress. I've accepted myself and am happy with whoever I am.
Fact is, pretty soon, we're all going to get old. We're going to gain weight, we're going to wrinkle, our hair will thin or lose color, and it is inevitable. If you aren't happy with yourself or confident in your appeal outside of your physical body, how can you ever expect to find peace with aging? How can you go through the day smiling, laughing, making friends, making memories, and showing the world what an amazing person you are, if you let your confidence get shredded away with the tiny differences in your physical body?
My advice: Exercise if you must, but do it for the right reasons. Do it because its good for your heart and ensures a longer life, not because you seek to change yourself. When you look at yourself, don't criticize what your legs look like or how much "cushion" you claim to have, but instead criticize your ability to be open minded, your enjoyment of learning, the kindness you show to others. Those are things that will shape who you are, not just now, but far into the years when your physical body is no longer at its peak.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Your boyfriend was an idiot for saying that to be honest and as for your 14 year old sister, it's very easy for a 14 year old with a high metabolism and an intense physical hobby like ballet to talk, but we'll see how that holds up once her body stops growing and her metabolism slows down.
OP your attitude is all wrong to be honest. You're never going to get a happy equilibrium when it comes to your physical appearance until you change that. You will either over exercise, burn yourself out then quit (resetting your weight again after a few weeks) or you'll just never be happy with your weight and do nothing about it. You're not overweight and I have a feeling you know your body looks great, which is probably why you get annoyed with feeling so insecure about the little meaningless lumps and bumps you'd rather not have.
I used to be fat as hell too. The way to change that is very easy. I was perfectly happy being fat, people slagged me for it sometimes but it never made me insecure, I thought my moobs were lovely because I had my own set of titties I could play with hehe. I did however decide at one point that I wanted a nicer, leaner and healthier body so I just went and got one.
How is it so easy? Simple you don't just exercise OP, you don't set any weight goals and you just pick an activity that you will enjoy and be able to maintain in the long run. If your sister keeps up ballet she will maintain her physique and I bet it's something she really enjoys too because there are other more important benefits to it, such as performance, it's a great skill and she earns money by doing it so she doesn't have to focus on her physique it will just stay in good condition as happy coincidence. Exercise for the sake of exercise doesn't work for most women I know. It's a chore and not something they really enjoy and the only benefit is to get thin, that's it, so they either get impatient and over work themselves or they reach their goal and get lazy again, yo-yo.
The trick is to find an activity that has a set of goals and rewards that will provide a greater motivation than being thin and toned. Ballet works for you sister, maybe a team sport like netball, basketball, volley ball or a competitive sport like squash or tennis, would be something you could in the long run and would give you motivation to go and play it because it's fun, or you want to compete locally, or you have friends doing it. A martial art like thai boxing is another good example, learn how to defend yourself, improve you strength, your endurance, stamina, build up your confidence and of course give you a chance to compete. Exercise on it's own is bland, you go do a repetitive action over and over and then check the scales, that's it no reward , very little benefit and boring as hell.
Go find yourself a sport that you will enjoy playing just to play it, not only will you get toned up and fit but you if you find one that you really enjoy then you want to go play it and your body will be the last thing on your mind.
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