A
female
age
30-35,
*aybaybay_x
writes:My bf basically sent a message to someone he didn’t know was my friend saying “I think you’re beautiful and I think you should know lol” She sent me the screenshot. I called him very calm and said Hey, do you message girls on insta? He said no, sometimes i do comment under pics. I said okay....so why has my friend just sent me a screenshot of you talking to her through dms? He went silent.. I got upset and was just venting saying I trusted him 100%, we chose each other before we even spoke to each other and this is what he is doing? Embarassing me? And the saddest part is my friend only knew of him because I was catching up with her a couple months back telling her how amazing he is and we were reminising on the guy I used to date before him and how terrible he was.He managed to get out a few very sad soppy “I’m sorry sorry babes” and I just said I need space, I cant talk to you right now and hung up. This was three days ago. I have been thinking and weighing things up. This man has done so much for me - I have never met anyone who loves so hard. I know it’s stupid but I am finding it upsetting that he hasn’t even tried once to reach out or talk things out.We had just been at breakfast and he was saying he made space for my stuff as he’d recently gotten his own home - he was telling me he wanted us to make memories there. And let me tell you - he has more than shown himself to be someone who values me and has invested a lot. So please don’t judge me saying i’m stupid. He has made such a big impact in my life - I’m in shock.Sorry this is all over the place. My question is...Why the silence? Why is he not knocking down my door ? It’s making me feel like everything was a lie..... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2019): I can relate to a certain extent, my boyfriend of three months at the time told me he only had eyes for me for me to then find he had clicked like on an ex girlfriend's picture which he said was because it was her birthday but in my mind it was more her pushed up bosom and her long blonde locks.
Unfortunately social media has allowed us to see they can view other women and to also be told with full proof, maybe like my boyfriend he was simply acknowledging her without there being anything else into it who knows but what you have discovered is he can and he will find other women attractive no matter if he says otherwise.
The fact he didn't continue the dialogue other than to say that could indicate it was simply a compliment (benefit of doubt...) but I agree with YCBS you had a romantic notion, almost a mills and boons book of a love and attraction which almost wiped out the entire notion he would never look or acknowledge another woman because of how he is with you, he has been caught out and now you need to work out if this is worth talking through and if it is forgivable and to accept he WILL find other women attractive. His own actions could in my opinion indicate he is trying to deflect and put it on you OR he wants you to hear him out and talk but he feels you have shut him out,I'm only second guessing and since you thought you knew him well but it turns out you dont that's all you are doing too.
Ask him if he wants to talk and if he does work out from there how you want to continue forward....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 November 2019):
 YCBS explains it very well.
I did not mean that your story was necessarily too short yet to know him well enough ( also because that would depends, more than from how many months you actually dated , from many other things, like how much did he make you part of his life , how well do you know his family and friends, how many trips / whole days you spent together, have you seen how he operates when under pressure or stressed out, etc. etc. ): I meant that perhaps you, or he ,or both , as it may happen to many people, have made up in your mind a fantasy of how the perfect , " amazing " lover should be and then decided to make the other fit this beautiful image regardless, based on a frail base of
" feelings " , impulses and impressions that may, or may not, correspond to the real person.
In other words, maybe he was so " wonderful " not because he actually is wonderful ( he isn't if he sends girls those cheesy lines ! :) but because you, coming out from a bad experience with a bad ex, wanted him to be wonderful and pegged him wonderful before he actually earned and deserved to be recogized for his wonderfulness.
Now of course he is miffed for having been called out on his bullshit. He got caught , figuratively speaking, with his pants down, and - naturally he does not know how to save face other than feigning to be , or actually feeling !, offended and harassed. I think he is trying to make it all your fault, - as in you " being too controlling " or " too insecure " yada yada yada.
But, what he thinks , is, or should be , sort of a moot point. Because the real point is, what do you want to do ?
Obviously he screwed up, but how seriously, only you can decide. Personally, no, I do not subscribe to any " sexist rubbish ", - then again we have no proof that he wanted more than only playing cock of the walk for a bit. Which is distasteful and disappointing for a woman in love, but how forgivable ( or unforgivable ) it is depends from an inividual level of tolerance . Y
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 November 2019):
 What on earth does "we chose each other before we even spoke to each other" mean? All sounds very "idealist" especially given the rest of your description of how wonderful he was to you.
I suspect he is someone who tries to live idealistically. By that I mean that he strives for perfection. Nothing wrong with that as such but - and this is a big BUT - people who are obsessed with perfection want ONLY perfection. Once that "perfect picture" is spoiled by something (like them being caught out messaging other girls), they scrap the whole thing and start again so they can set up a new "perfect world".
You caught him out lying. He knows that you now know he is NOT perfect. Regardless of whether this is a deal breaker for YOU or not, it sounds like it is for HIM. He can no longer pretend to you that he is perfect because you know better. For HIM there is no going back as the perfect little world he created has come crashing down all around him because he got caught out.
My advice? Let him go. Even if you two get back together, he will be looking for someone else to install as the centre of his perfect little universe. I am sure it will be hard for you, especially given how he treated you. Perhaps it will help you to get over him to accept that he treated you as he did for his own egotistical reasons, not so much for YOU. I know you probably don't want to believe this but, please, just give it a little head room and consider WHETHER it could be true. Don't dismiss it outright. I think you will find that there is a distinct possibility it MIGHT be true.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (23 November 2019):
 And you might also want to consider that there might be MORE women (besides your friend) that he has "complimented like that.
No way of knowing. Again, IS that behavior you are OK with in a partner or not?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 November 2019):
Maybe he is posting to get YOUR attention or to make YOU feel bad about what you did and what you said.
But overall, OP - I can't read his mind.
Though the "When I'm done I'm done is a PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE way to let you know that he feels wronged.
It's not about WHAT he did, anymore. It's about YOU exposing what he did and that he lied.
All you can really do is decide, AM I OK with this kind of behavior from a GROWN ASS man or not.
Giving a compliment, in of itself isn't a bad thing, but when you add a motive to that... because let's face it, most people have a motive even for giving a compliment. And a motive could be, the get the woman he complimented to start a dialogue. And WHY would he need to seek out STRANGER (women) to talk to like that?
I think he knows that he stepped on his dick, and he didn't like HOW it made him feel to be called out. To that I say, tough cookies, He ONLY has himself to blame for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): Boys will be boys? What kind of sexist rubbish is that ?
So I guess he will have no problem with you messaging guys on insta telling them how strong and hot they are :)
Men need to start understanding that women can behave exactly like they do and if they want to treat us like we mean nothing we can treat them the same too
Honestly , why would you waste one more minute with this guy who clearly values women for the way they look
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): Cindyloves - almost a year together
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): His action cannot be denied. He messaged a woman to comment on how pretty he found her. And then lied about whether he does that kind of thing.
My question is...why do you want anything more to do with him?
Guys can love hard and do lovely things for their girlfriends. It still does not mean that they are going to be faithful.
He messaged her and didn't ask her out someone said. BUT why would he actually spend his time with his phone, going through pictures of women, picking the ones he finds attractive and bothering to get in touch with them? Is that all it is or is he casting a net to see who replies and then maybe he can progress things. Even if that WAS all it was, it would still be a deal breaker. How could you be happy with him knowing he does this kind of thing?
I went out with a man I thought was single. He wasn't. He was with a lovely woman, gorgeous looking, they had been together for ten years and even worked together. But he still wanted to have sex with me and it turned out others too. When I asked him, he said that yes, he loves his girlfriend. I would say don't be naïve. Just because blokes love hard doesn't mean they wont try something with other women. My father as well. He gave my mother a lovely lifestyle and he was home every night of their 52 year marriage, apart from when he travelled for work, but he had at least two affairs that I now know about, and got to know about while he was still alive. These women came out of the woodwork just days after my mum died. One he had plans to go and live with in Switzerland where she lived. You can't trust someone just because they're nice to you.
I would also be in shock if I were you. He has said things to you and behaved in a certain way that makes you believe he wants you and only you. But he has now done something to disprove all of that.
I'd like to see what No.9 says who answers these questions. He is so in love with his girlfriend I don't think he would ever even consider doing something like this and then lying about it.
It would be a deal breaker for me.
I don't think he's knocking down your door because firstly you asked for space and secondly, what's he going to say to you if he does? He's as guilty as hell.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 November 2019):
He is leaving you the space you asked for. You must have been quite furious ( not that I blame you ) so I guess he is waiting for you to cool down and call him. He thinks that you will pick up the phone first once you are ready.
Then again, poor sap, what could he say even if he called you first ? He go SO busted- he was left with egg all over his face, he must feel quite stupid. Not much to say, anyway - he did try and chat up your friend, and he did lie about it.
Now, should you just forgive and forget , and assume that " boys will be boys " etc. ?
That's up to you of course. Think about it, don't be impulsive. On one hand, honestly it does not sound such a big transgression or a big betrayal , after all, he just called " pretty " a pretty girl, it's not like he was trying to ask her out. On the other hand, and in the general scheme of this situation, yes I understand your shock and dismay : how come, all this love, all these promises, and then...he spends his free time chatting up pretty girls on social media ?? Was it all a lie then ?
Well, that ,I don't know; but I have got the feeling that you, or both, got a bit over-excited, a bit carried away, and sort of " decided " this was going to be the love story of the century- without knowing each other , and about each other, much. Or enough at all, as for that. What does it mean " we chose each other before we even spoke to each other " ?... This sounds romantic , but in practice is at best imprudent if not downright stupid. Don't get carried away too soon, don't start over- investing emotionally when it's too early. You may be in love of the idea you have about the person, not of how the person really is. How has he exactly " loved you so hard ", for instance ? by telling you nice , romantic things? like about making memories together ? That's very nice , but- apperently he is a pro at sweet-talking people :)
Mind you, I am not saying the guy is a monster, in fact IMO he is a regular guy who just happened to act dumb in front of a pretty girl's pic . But, if you have decided prematurely, and on week grounds, that he is a total Prince Charming and " amazing " and out-of-this-world.... then it's very likely that you are going to be not just disapointed when he screws up , but also completely shocked and devastated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): Honeypie - He is now posting things about waking up in the morning and realising things have to change and some people have to go & a caption saying when I’m done I’m done...
What do you make of this...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 November 2019):
He is giving you the space, you said you wanted.
He is probably waiting for you to decide whether you need MORE space or is ready to talk.
If you DO want to continue dating him, maybe (when you are ready) have a conversation about boundaries.
Though honestly? He is old enough to know that private messaging another woman like that ins't exactly OK in most relationships. That is why he lied about it.
So IF you decide to continue dating him, he has 2 "strikes" against him, LYING and chatting up other women.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): this is the one tie you've CAUGHT him at this. This guy is not what he appears to be. Don't fall into the trap of forgiving the guy you thought he was so you can be with that guy again. that guy doesn't exist.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): He has also posted on his status - “when i’m done imm done”
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