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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: I've been dating this guy for 6 months, at first everything seemed great and he seemed like a gentleman, now I'm just having a hard time understanding his intentions. I'm not the type of girl who goes and sleeps around with any guy I date. I like to take things slow, be comfortable, and have intimate sex with a person I've known fully and trust him completely. This guy confessed that he loves me after a month of dating, that was a really short time, however I kept dating him because I really liked his personality. During college, he would literally want to sit somewhere "private" In order to touch me and kiss me, and we've been caught 2 times by a professor and been told that it's inappropriate. I wasn't even comfortable, and i told him that he needs to chill out and act like a student and leave the romantic moments for later, and I told him to stop being so touchy. Every thing went back to normal, and he started doing the same thing again. He told me that we can skip university for the day and go in a motel somewhere near it so we can chill and watch a movie, I told him no and I know that it's more about having sex and not cuddling. I explained to him about me not having sex till I'm fully committed to a guy, and he would start to tell me "yeah I'm a human and I do get sexual feelings, for how long am I going to wait? "And I honestly started to get turned off by him, by only expressing his love with being touchy and sweet talking to me, and him bringing up the same topic again (he also told me that he thinks about me sexually a lot) , he even told me that he bought some sex toys to keep himself away from doing that with another girls, and he insisted that we are both in a relationship while I told him that I need to take it slow since I'm just starting to see red flags, he got angry and kept insisting. One time we were talking late at night and I told him that I wanted to sleep because I have to wake up early next morning, he kept talking and telling me that I can wait a little, I got sick of that, and I intentionally didn't answer him, he basically got mad and sent me 20 minutes later some really disgusting sexually aggressive fantasies of him having sex with me kind of messages. I read them, and then he deleted them 10 minutes later. I fell asleep and the next day I acted as if I was really asleep, he believed and is convinced that I didn't read them, I asked him what the messages were about and why he deleted them, he said he sent to me something mean and wanted to end things with me and by doing that he would know that if I read them and answer which means that I wasn't sleeping, and if I didn't answer it would mean that I didn't read them (he knows I reply immediately to his texts when there is an argument). However his plan didn't work out this time obviously. Should I just ditch this guy and move forward? Or am I just being too hard to get? Am I right that he should respect the fact that I should take things slow or does he think I'm only stringing him along? Is it true that when a guy likes aggressive sex means that it's a red flag or is it just some guy's fetishes?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2019): To the anonymous male.. really oral .. go hike. Silly boy. Girl your right to wait. My saying is don't have the ring they don't get a thing .. valuing yourself is not something many do . I've been with my man for over 22 years . Met at 17teen n he waited .. till I was 20 .. he was 24 by the time we did anything . Dies he regret it . No way as the best is always worth the wait
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (23 November 2019):
 I agree with the professor that it was definitely inappropriate doing that on campus. I also agree with the other aunts that say that the two of you are NOT a good fit. He cannot respect your boundaries and that in and of itself is a red flag. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to take things slow and he seems like all he wants is to sleep with you. Perhaps he doesn't even see you as a real person with real feelings. He just wants what he wants. I do NOT think that you owe him sex just because of the amount of time that you've spent together. You don't owe him anything. You owe it to yourself to be sure about someone before going there and you seem as though you're trying to hold onto something that you know isn't working so I suggest that you end things with him and move on with your life. You guys want two very different things.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2019): I admire you for sticking to your principles. Females often get into trouble by having sex too soon. You trust them, fall in love and the minute they get sex they cool off, disrespect you, treat you like a sex toy and eventually bang someone else. I think this guy is a creep. There's a reason you're not comfortable enough to have sex with him. Trust yourself. Not him. He's not right for you. I'd ditch him before he hurts you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): I think you handled everything perfectly. It's your body, and you're seeking something real and beyond just providing some guy sex on-demand.
We live in a society that has no filters, scoffs at good values; and takes a very casual attitude towards sex and being faithful. If you fall into the minority who still believe sex is an expression of intimacy and affection between two committed-people; stay there, you're among those very smart women who find good husbands. They're more likely to have durable and successful-relationships. You know what you want, you don't just give guys what they want as a means to keep them; and you have a strong personality. Don't you dare let anyone tell you otherwise.
I know a lot of women feel that they have to be loosey-lucy; because that's what they think it takes to keep a man. Perhaps...but it also depends on what kind of a man you want; and how serious you want your relationship and romance to be. If it's founded on sex, he'll take advantage of the availability. If he gets it as a reward, and he truly cares for you; he'll do his part in showing you respect, faithfulness, and he isn't likely to let a woman like you to getaway!
Oh yeah, he will protest, whine, and even beg; but if he really has feelings for you, he won't let you go that easy. He's a man, and yes we have needs. You don't always get what you want when you want it; and those who are greedy and demand it all the time...and get it! They're the ones who lose interest, get bored with the same female's body, and go cheat; or go hunting the internet for another piece of...
It's your body, and your responsibility to guard your heart! You are more likely to have long-term and more meaningful relationships; because you demand and deserve respect from men.
When you find a guy who is totally fine with taking it slow and easy, willing to respect your values, and he keeps coming back; because he can't let you go...he's the one! If a guy gets nasty with you because you won't agree to have sex, that's all he wanted. He hates a challenge, being denied what he thinks he's entitled to; and he's probably used to getting it easily. That's because smart and very strong women like you; are few and far between these days. That makes you a precious jewel. You deserve the best!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 November 2019):
 I would (personally) DITCH this guy.
I think you are doing a smart thing by waiting, but you NEED to learn how to say NO better.
If he wants to go sit in a corner and grope/kiss you and YOU don't want to, then say no. IT IS OK to say no to that.
He send you really disgusting sexual messages to "punish" you for being tired? HOW is that EVER OK?
It doesn't matter that he deleted the texts, HE sent them. Sure you could have been asleep and never seen them but HE still wrote AND sent them.
He is disrespectful towards you and your wishes.
He keeps PUSHING for sex even though you have told him that you want to make sure HE is the right person for you to share that with. Which means he really isn't listening to what you are saying and what you want.
Now I get that most people in your age group ARE having sex, and he probably sees it as "normal" to do but it really seems that sex is ALL he thinks a relationship is about and revolves around.
And yes, you ARE in a relationship if you have been dating for sex months but... PART of making a relationship last and a good one is finding the right partner. If you don't feel you know him WELL enough to add sex, then THAT is OK. He however is not interested in waiting or figuring out of you are right for him too.
I think you two are not a good fit. He is VERY sexually aggressive (verbally, at least). Which in turn makes you want to slow down even more, because you don't want the relationship to be JUST about sex. And he doesn't seem to understand that. He does come off as IF he is entitled to sex because you are dating.
Unless YOU are into "aggressive sex" I think you can probably guess that you two aren't going to be compatible sexually either. Is it a red flag? For many it would be. And no, it's not "just" some guys fetishes. It might be their preference but it might also be about power play.
I think you need to let this one go. I think what HE is looking for and what YOU are looking for are not the same thing. You are on different pages but also completely different books.
I see SEVERAL red flags in your post, as far as his behavior. Some can be chalked up to immaturity other are just plain creepy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): oh my god throw this man away please. he has no respect for you or your boundaries. he wants to have sex with you and that's it and the more you say no the more he wants to 'win' by getting what he wants. ditch him.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (22 November 2019):
 When he responds in a nasty way because he can't get his own way, that is a HUGE red flag. Say you DID have sex with him. What next? Turning nasty because you won't have a threesome? Or because you won't try something different you are not comfortable with?
I wish more people were as astute and patient in weighing up people as you have been. Your gut instinct is telling you there are things here which will cause problems in the future. Trust that feeling and move on. You deserve better. And in future, if you feel uncomfortable with something, be firm and refuse to do it. It is YOUR body and you have the final say in what you allow others to do to it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2019): Honey, you ARE stringing him along! Unless you're waiting till marriage (where there's an end in sight), six months is more than plenty of time to decide if you're connected enough. Making out in public is wrong on his part, but you never give him a chance to be alone with you! You could at least give him oral you know. I would have dumped you a long time ago. It's not all about you.
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