A
female
age
41-50,
*N04
writes:My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for quite some time. He lives in South Carolina; I live in Pennsylvania. He is 36 years old. I am 30. I don't know how we even got to this point because everything has been fine. For the duration of our relationship, he has been attentive and loving. We spent our weekends talking on the phone and spending time "together." We talked about getting married and having children. He asked me what type of engagement ring I wanted and had me go to get my ring finger sized. Everything has been fine. We've been moving forward steadily.Suddenly, over the last two months of our relationship, he has started going out on weekends. He's going to bars and house parties and gets drunk every single weekend. It started out just as Saturday night and gradually progressed to Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It has caused a lot of fights between us because he doesn't communicate with me. I do not have a problem with him going out. I don't mind if he does. The problem is that he does not tell me where he is going, with whom, and when he will be home. I have certain beliefs about relationships which are headed towards marriage. I believe that he should come home at the end of the evening and call me to say good night and let me know that he returned home safely. What was happening was he was going out and staying out till all hours of the night, with me waiting up for him and worrying. Then, when he finally did call, he was completely hammered and would treat me very mean. I just couldn't get it through his head that I don't mind if he goes out, but I need communication, and I really don't like him getting drunk every weekend. It's not necessary for him to act like a college freshman at the age of 36. He kept turning it around on me and stated that I just didn't like it that he was going out. He felt that I wanted him to stay home all the time and I wanted to control him. It's not like that and no matter how many times I told him that, he just wouldn't listen. It was like he was happy to have me as his girlfriend Monday through Thursday, but once the weekend rolled around, he wanted to be left alone. Since he has been acting like this, I thought that maybe he was looking for a way out of this relationship. So, I gave him a few different opportunities. I stopped talking to him for days at a time. He would continue to call me continually and text until I answered. I told him it was over, he said, "No, it's not." Every time, he begged me back to him. Yet, would repeat the same behavior when the weekend came. One day last week, he called me and asked me to begin looking for jobs and an apartment for him because his plan was always to move here in November. He told me he was sure this is what he wanted so I got all this information gathered for him and we got along fine the whole entire day. Once evening rolled around, and from the time he left work to the time he got home, he called me and told me that he does love me but is unsure about "us." He wouldn't tell me why he suddenly felt this way.The last straw came this past weekend. We have had plans for 3 months for him to spend Halloween with me for a long weekend. He decided to tell me at the last minute at the end of the week that he couldn't afford to come. We have not seen each other for 3 entire months! So, on Friday, I brought it up to him that I wanted to discuss what was going on between us and that I wanted him to be honest with me. He said that he agreed, we did need to talk, but that he was at the store at the time and wanted to talk to me when he returned home and had more privacy. He also told me that he ran into a friend while at the store who was in visiting for the weekend. He never called me back to have that discussion. I waited the whole entire day and evening. I texed him and he didn't answer me. I didn't hear a word from him the whole weekend. Except for on Sunday, he sent me a text that said, "Happy Halloween! :)" I didn't answer. It absolutely breaks my heart because I know that he spent the weekend partying and drinking with his friends, yet told me he couldn't afford to come see me. And, he didn't even care enough to call me and have this discussion with me. If he didn't want me anymore, I gave him so many opportunities to just leave. He kept telling me that he goes in spurts where he doesn't go out for a while and then he starts up again and this is just something that I have to "accept and learn to live with." I don't believe that he was cheating on me because his parents' marriage ended due to cheating and he was strongly against it. I guess my question is... what should I do now? I know that the right thing to do is just to let him go. But, it is so hard. Probably because there are so many unanswered questions. Even before we got off the phone on Friday, he still said, "I love you, babe." I just can't even concentrate on anything else. I'm still crying throughout each day. I don't want anyone else. I'm in love with the man that he was two months ago. Why the sudden change in his behavior? I'm having crazy thoughts of getting on the next plane to South Carolina and showing up on his doorstep, crying, with makeup running down my face. Shouldn't he be showing up on my doorstep right about now, begging me for forgiveness? What did I do that was so wrong? I just don't get it. Why did he suddenly change? What do I do now? This is the man that I was supposed to spend my life with.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (5 November 2010):
 you're welcome sweety.
A
female
reader, RN04 +, writes (3 November 2010):
RN04 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Ladies,
Thanks for your responses!
To Mizz.Butterflies: I agree that the way to go about this is to do nothing. Don't answer his silly little texts, etc. I haven't heard from him since the random Halloween text on Sunday. Maybe that will be the last I will hear from him. Who knows? I thought I deserved more respect than that. But, the last thing I need is to contact him first. I'm not going to show up at his door or anything like I mentioned. I said that in a moment of panic and desperation.
I do trust him and like I said in my post, I DO NOT MIND HIM GOING OUT. That doesn't bother me at all. But, every Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday night??? It's too much and I've been putting up with it for 2 months and there is no compromising with him. It's a big power struggle where he wants it his way all the time. He needs to grow up and act like a man instead of a college frat boy.
Although a little more brutal, your plan is exactly what I'm shooting for at the moment. He gets nothing from me. It is hard and I know he has to be thinking of me, too. He's just being stubborn. Maybe he will give in. Maybe he won't. But, if he doesn't, he will regret losing me.
To my anonymous female reader: Thank you for the advice. You are right. He is a major hassle. My plan is to do nothing. If he returns with something good to say, I will consider it. If not, I guess I have to move on without him and endure the pain. What else can I do?
If anything else happens, I will update. Thanks for your help!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): ~NO PAIN, NO GAIN~
He's a "Hassle." Endure the pain. Walk away from him.
Stand proud of the loss, as it's a stepping stone to Your "Win"
~Life is a moment to moment breath. If there is such a state as looking back into life after "last breath," would you want to dwell in it with regret?
Dispose of Your waste.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (3 November 2010):
do you wanna know what happened?
its not fun for him anymore.
u made the mistake a lot of women make. U GOT WAY TOO SERIOUS,once you were sure he was going to marry you.
I have certain beliefs about relationships which are headed towards marriage. I believe that he should come home at the end of the evening and call me to say good night and let me know that he returned home safely. What was happening was he was going out and staying out till all hours of the night, with me waiting up for him and worrying.
this paragraph right here says it all. u didnt let ur man breathe. hes not entitled to calling you every night he's out. If u dont trust him that much then why are u with him? Life isnt Barbie's world where Ken is the good,hardworking man who goes out to have a "cup of tea" with his boys and calls Barbie up when he's home!
A man needs to know his woman trusts him.He wants to know he can go out sometimes and she's not going to go crazy or worry about him.(its not like he flew to china and forgot to let u know he got off the flight safely! CHILL!)
As for your dramatic way of going to his house and acting up....DON"T DO IT.
Just ignore him. His text for halloween was uncalled for. it was like he texted a random colleague from work.
Don't speak to him. Don't return his calls. LET HIM BEG YOU.
then when he does beg you,IF he does beg you,dont throw yourself into his arms.
Tell him he needs to explain his behavior.Listen to what he has to say and DO NOT RESPOND RIGHT AWAY. tell him goodnight or that ur busy and ur gonna think about what he said.
Wait for 2 days then call him and say I'VE THOUGHT ABOUT WHAT U TOLD ME...AND UMMM,I CANT MAKE ANY DECISIONS RIGHT NOW.I KNOW U SAID U COULDNT AFFORD TO COME SEE ME,BUT WE SHOULD SEE EACH OTHER SOON AND HAVE A SERIOUS TALK.LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU CAN COME.
He'll be speechless. U wont be his doormat anymore! ur gonna be a superwoman! Polite,strong and HE WONT BE ABLE TO TAKE U FOR GRANTED.
My plan requires your patience.
Go get cha dignity back!
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