A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I am I love with my 20year old cousin. I am 15. I don’t know what to do. He has a girlfriend but he acts like he likes me : he always teases me and we cuddle and other more intimate things. However I don’t know if he feels the same. I need him he is all I can think about I know it’s wrong but I’ve felt this way since I was 5. My feelings have not changed. I don’t know if he genuinely likes me or I am just a game to him, I don’t know if he is just using me , can someone tell me if they think he likes me or iam just a game,We often talk and have good conversations we get on quite well he’s funny and is often teasing he doesn’t text me much, however when we are together he acts like I’m important, he always makes a move and shows he wants me but I don’t know if he just wants me as entertainment, please tell me I’m confused
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (29 December 2019):
 Thanks for following up. You are 15 and are likely thinking "I'm almost at the age of consent. ant the "sexualish" stuff didn't start until I was almost old enough." But the law doesn't count almost. So that's a problem. The other very serious problem is that this more intimate stuff started when he was in a committed relationship. He has made you complicit in his cheating on his girlfriend. This is a rotten place to be no matter how old you are.
I am not impressed with the way he is treating you. It is mean, it is unhealthy, it seems selfish. Your cousin has no respect for you to use you in this way. Even less respect than he has for the girl he is cheating on.
I agree that this sexuallyish contact should be reported, and that you should avoid being with him.
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (28 December 2019):
 Okay you really need to stop this immediately. The fact that you’re here asking this question anonymously means you know that this is wrong. Would you tell your parents about this? They would hit the roof and I’m pretty sure your father would want to throttle your cousin.
This is paedophilic behaviour from your cousin, you are UNDERAGE AND FAMILY! He should know better! You have received good advice here and very firm warnings.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 December 2019):
 I fully agree with N91,
This is totally inappropriate behavior, mostly of your older cousin who should NOT be touching you or flirting with you at all. 1. you are cousins and 2. you are minor.
To me it seems like he is taking advantage of your crush on him. Grooming you in a sense (maybe not intentionally but grooming none the less) for you to be some sexual guinea pig and entertainment for him.
He is 20 and SHOULD know better. He knows this is a huge no-no but he is still doing this.
While you are only 15 I think you know when someone has a partner, GF/BF.husband or wife or fiance... whatever, they should NOT be "doing intimate" stuff with other people.
You know this situation is "wrong" on so many levels so I think it's time to NOT be alone with him, tell him NO more, and speak up (that would be to your mom or dad) if he doesn't respect your no.
You wouldn't do this to a 10 year old right? while I get that it seems way more inappropriate (and it is) if I change the ages to 15 and 10... it's STILL a 5 year difference. Which at YOUR age is a HUGE gap when it comes to people's knowledge and experiences in life. Doesn't make you "dumber" than your cousin, but a LOT less experienced. If that makes sense.
This needs to stop. You two are related. HE is WAY to old for you, and you are perhaps not quite old enough or mature enough to go down this path with a guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2019): I just want to add to this anonymously that we have not had sex and sexual-ish contact is recent his girlfriend is a girlfriend of 3 years, he listens to what I say or ask .
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 December 2019):
This is wildly inappropriate.
I’m really hoping that your description of ‘intimate’ things is not anything of a sexual nature. If so you HAVE to tell someone about this immediately as this is illegal. Not only is this guy your family but you’re also underage, just so many things wrong about this.
Stop contacting him and forget about this situation. Again, if anything of a sexual nature did happen then it needs to be reported immediately.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 December 2019):
Of course you are confused. He has been a feature in your life for as long as you can remember. You have an important family connection. So of course you are important to him. But there is the girlfriend. which confuses you even more. And the more intimate things which confuse anyone.
On the face of it you have been lured into an inappropriate relationship by a close family member who is enough older than you to make him have authority over you, that makes it an unbalanced power relationship.
There are legal issues. But mostly to you, it should be said that you have been brought into a bad relationship. Not by your fault, but by the actions of an older authority. You are going to be hurt - - You are feeling hurt by the fact that he is moving on with a new girlfriend, but still interacting with you.
You probably need some counseling / therapy to work through this.
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A
female
reader, KeW +, writes (26 December 2019):
 Hello OP,Thank you for coming to us with this situation. It is a very dangerous situation to be in. Your cousin is taking advantage of you. His interest in you is illegal because you are at a vulnerable age, even though you feel grown up.He is preying on you. I know you feel sophisticated and mature when he pays attention to you, but it’s not right, OP. He is not the guy you think he is.Please tell your parents. If it’s truly okay and he cares about you, he wouldn’t try to keep it a secret and have a girlfriend too. Please listen to us, even though you’re probably convinced he’s a great guy. We know better, OP. Some of us have even been used by these guys too. They seem lovely, charming, make us feel cared for and grown up, but they take advantage of us. If he was interested in you and he thought it was okay, he’d tell his family. He wouldn’t hide it and have a girlfriend.You are at risk, OP, even though he probably makes you feel safe. Your crush on an older guy is normal, but him allowing you or encouraging you to act on it is what groomers do. Please search online for what groomers do to convince teenagers they are good guys - this is what your cousin is doing.Please, OP, tell your parents. If you don’t, it’s because you know it’s wrong and unsafe. You will feel awful about it when you’re older, if you don’t report his behaviour. You’d be devastated if your future daughter was in this situation.Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 December 2019):
 You are 15, hence still a child in the eyes of the law (even though I totally understand and appreciate you feel you are grown up). Your cousin is 20, hence an adult in the eyes of the law. If he is having sexual activity with you, regardless of how these "other more intimate things" manifest themselves, then he is a paedophile, a nasty piece of work, using and abusing a child for his own sexual gratification. He is not the wonderful man you think he is. You are blinded by years of crushing on him and your lack of worldly experience.
Would you be comfortable telling your parents about what you have been doing? Of course not. And why? Because, despite your age, you KNOW it is wrong.
Although the law in the UK allows cousins to have relationships and marry, families often frown upon this and feel it is wrong.
In addition, this man has a girlfriend. You should never value yourself so little that you think all you are worth is being someone's bit on the side. If he wanted a real relationship with you, he would finish with his girlfriend and be honest with the whole family. All he is looking for is a bit of messing around with an underage girl.
I wish you could find the strength to tell a responsible adult what he has been doing to you but I doubt you will because you think he is doing it because he likes you. He is doing it because YOU are available and willing and because he is an abuser and a pervert.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 December 2019):
 Honey, I’m sorry, but this is not okay. Aside from him being your cousin, he is much too old. If he really is flirting with you and doing intimate things, it’s illegal. He’s grooming you because he knows you fancy him.It’s okay to have a crush on older guys, but it’s not okay to act on it because you will regret it when you’re older. He’s using you and he has a girlfriend - probably closer to his age.I’m sorry, I know you’ll reject this because you’re desperate for him to like you, but it’s not right, OP. He’s taking advantage of you and that’s not what nice, good guys do.He’s your cousin, so he shouldn’t be indulging your crush. He’s not single, so he shouldn’t be indulging your crush. He’s 5 years older (a big gap at your age), so he shouldn’t be indulging your crush.OP, please hear us when we tell you that you need to stop being alone with him. He is not being responsible by cuddling or being intimate with you. You are impressionable and feeling more mature because he’s showing an interest, but it’s not okay, OP. He’s taking advantage of you being young and crushing on him. Please listen to us.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2019): The problem is that he is at least 5yrs older.Liking your cousin is fine.Liking him at 5 years old is also fine.But sexual contact with him is not fine as you are under the age of consent.Therefore you have been coerced into sex.I know you say you are 15 and in love with him but in a way he has taken advantage of your availability and he is a very stupid cousin for doing this because he KNOWS he shouldnt!If he started sexual contact when you were aged 5 he should not have.Even if he was only ten!Children should not be engaged in sexual contact with anyone although I have heard that some parents are ok with experimental sex amongst two teenagers who know each other well .Certainly you need to untangle your thoughts a bit.You don't know if he likes you or if he is using you.I would say he likes you and is using you for sexual needs.Where will this lead?Will he start bashing you about and calling you a whore and telling you to get out there to earn some money on the streets selling your pussy?No, he won't if you clear up this mess in your head.If he hits you once you need to report it to the police and you must never work the streets for him.You know in your head that this is not an open boyfriend/girlfriend kind of thing.Believe me, they can be complicated as well.I wonder what could make you think a five year old could like an older person in a sexual manner?At that age you should be totally innocent and no one should touch your sexual parts intimately and that is no one at all, not even your mother or father, brother, sister or cousin.If you have sexual memories that go back that far you should get counselling help by asking your doctor for help with talking things over.Now you are fifteen it is not unusual to know more about sex but it is still not appropriate for your cousin to be shagging you when he gets a moment.The fact that you like both him and the sexual contact is confusing for you in the circumstances, but it does happen.How you deal with your future will define the person you will become.So if you keep hiding it and having secret sex then you are complicit even though you have probably been coerced into it.You are probably coerced if it is all a big secret.You are actually a secret under aged bit-on-the-side so there is a strong chance he is using you, even if you are making yourself available to him whenever he wants it.You could bring this to an end by telling him 'No More!'If you don't do this you will always hold confused values and be permanently available to the wrong type of person.Woman are getting much stronger these days and standing up for their rights as a whole group with more solidarity.You don't have to march and sign petitions but you do have to try to take control of your life and set yourself on a pathway to the life you hope to lead.You are not just a pussy and nerve endings for sexual satisfaction.You are capable of making sensible decisions and owning your actions so that you can openly talk things through when seeking help.You are a person with strengths and talents also.
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