A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a mother to 3 young children, ages 5,3 and 2. It gets very overwhelming sometimes, as parenting can get but we have fun. I've been with their father for 6 years. Lately it seems to be a bit of a struggle for us to balance this parenting/partner thing. I guess you could say that I put my mother role ahead of my partner role and I know that I'm not a great girlfriend. We're not married as you might have guessed. I don't really see any need to be married. The way I see it, we need to be great parents before anything, but I get the feeling he feels neglected. I'll admit that I'm not romantic. I'm not as affectionate as I could be. Lately I've lost my sex drive. But I'm always tired and all my attention goes to them. He works a lot and is often away. We spent one night away together recently but I couldn't wait to get back to the kids and he seemed really annoyed that I wanted to actually rest rather than spend time having sex and whatever else he had in mind. I feel like sometimes he can be very inconsiderate of my needs and I know I neglect his needs. I cant really figure out how to find a balance. Our kids obviously need us constantly at their age. Have any other parents/couples gone through this stage and any advice?
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 December 2019):
 Well it has been some time since my kids were that age. My advice is that the best thing you can give your children is happy parents. The way to be a great parent is to be a great spouse. To many men and women get into the mommy / daddy mode, and forget each other.
If you've only had one night away in 5 years, you aren't getting enough quality time with your partner. a good bit of advice is one vacation per year with the kids and one vacation per year without.
One thing you are not looking at is that these kids are not your life, they are just a chapter in it. Right now that chapter is preschoolers, but it won't be long before the chapter is school. and those kids will be away for 6 hours a day and you will be wanting to work part time so you can have some adults to talk to. Then in about 10 years your kids will be teens and tweens and you will wonder when you will see them next. Then graduation and empty nest, and if you have put all of your energy into being a great parent, you will really have a very empty nest.
Kids are 18-20 years, about half of your adult working life. you are going to want a partner for the second half and for the retirement years. It is a very good sign that you are thinking about balance now. (before the Soccer mom years) What worries me is that you think that you can be a great parent without being a great partner. Put it on your daily schedule if you have to but get 10 - 15 hours of quality time with your partner every week. Now how you define quality time is up to both of you, but make sure you get it. Romance starts with connection, not chemistry.
As to sex drive, well I could write another page on that. Stress, hormones, attraction, certain medications. If your drive isn't working to keep the partnership together get a doc working on it, don't accept it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2019): I think the answer is that it's extremely difficult to be a full-time mom and sex siren at the same time.I don't think it's abnormal to want to rest when you prioritise your children normally.There's nothing wrong with prioritising the kids especially when childcare is so demanding or expensive on the pocket.Your partner still want his sexual enticement though.Perhaps he is an alpha male who just thinks he is entitled to non stop sex, cleaning and childcare all thrown into the bargain basement wife who survives off nothing.I've heard of many a couple splitting up over these issues.I think the secret lies in having as much supportive help as possible from him, but if he feels that the kids are all in your department then you may as well just be a single mum and collect maintenance.You could rattle your chains a bit and figure out how much he would have to give you in maintenance money each week.Is the financial division fair at the moment or does he handle all the cash?Expecting you to do everything and have nothing in the way of time for yourself but demanding you to turn into a temptress at the drop of a hat could make being a single mum an option.But if he takes on board how much you do for the family for little or no personal renumeration then he could decide to be more supportive.For example he should pay for a baby sitter and take you out for a meal or to the cinema if he wants a romantic evening.Or at least buy pizza and wine occasionally and help to get the kids to bed before watching a film while they settle, prior to expecting a romantic interlude.You need to make some tweaks to your couple time before you throw in the towel.Access how important his family is to him before berating yourself as a girlfriend.If you've had three kids for him in six years who is to say that your not a wonderful girlfriend.Pushing him to marry you might be an answer because then he might see clearly how much you do for him.Similarly you get some protection from the law regarding your rights.But trying to play at baby mum for the week and girlfriend at weekends could become very difficult.Maybe you need a longer and cheaper holiday, not just one night away from the kids which is a bit of a false set up.He needs to decide if he is a family man or just another stud-u-like!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 December 2019):
 Set up date nights for when it fits HIS and YOUR schedule.
MAKE an effort. You might not be romantic by nature (neither am I) but showing your partner and the father of your children that you WANT him in your life in ways HE can clearly understand.
You could try the "5 love languages" quiz and see what his is and he can see what yours is, that way it will be a little easier to show love and appreciation for each other.
It's NOT totally strange that with 3 small kids you have no sex drive. However, it might also be hormonal, so I would suggest a trip to the gyno and if you are not on birth control, get on it. To give your body a chance to catch up on itself and getting back to "normal".
TALK to him as well. He might not understand all that you have to deal with 24/7 with house and kids if he is working and gone a lot so you BOTH need to learn to be more considerate of each other and not neglect each other.
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