A
female
age
41-50,
*irly1977
writes:I'm at my wits end. I've been having an affair for 3 years. I am separated from my husband. It started out as just sex with this man. However, It has developed considerably, especially in the last year. We have talked about being together. He said he would need time, to sort out his current situation, which he promises he will not stay in. He has a live in partner. He moved her into his home a year ago and he now says regrets it. She won't leave, he is weak and a couple of years ago, he was in involved in a terrible accident, almost killing her son. He said he allowed her and her son to move in, because he felt it was the 'right thing to do' as he felt guilty. She has been there a year now. I have told him I am not willing to continue the affair. He has been with her for 5 years in total. He said he has regrets and his current relationship is one of them. He says they are not close, there are two many differences between them and they will never be close. I have never out right asked him to finish the relationship with her. He says, he wants too but I know he is too weak and is scared of her. I am not making excuses for him. We have a pretty good solid friendship, sex aside. I have told him that I want to meet someone, that I cannot continue this, I deserve to be happy. He said the thought of me being with someone else makes him feel 'physically sick'. I am glad it does really, I want him to see what he could loose. I don't know what to do. I don't want to loose him in the sense that he stays with her. I don't think he will, but its a question of when he will find the courage, to ask her to leave. I mean what I say, I won't continue the affair. I don't know if he is in love with me. I want to tell him I am in love with him but I have always been too scared. I won't force his hand but I want to be with him. How best should I take this forward?What should I do? Thanks, any advice appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): I remember your post last year.... And now a few months later the same thing? What is different from a few months ago? You got basically the same response but YOU CHOSE to ignore it. I take it that you will ignore everyone again???
Yes and When do you expect to get divorced? Or doesn't this feature on your radar? Or are you just focusing on getting this man who is cheating on his live in partner?
Complicated you say?
LoveGirl
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): we all know that some relationships can be very difficult to break free of. And some people have a lot of emotional issues that keep them bound to bad situations and toxic people. This can apply as much to his relationship with her, as yours with him.
he has to go on his personal journey to break free of whatever prison he is in now. You can't do that for him, only he can. And he can only do it on his own time. that doesn't mean that you don't factor into it at all since you are part of his life. But you may factor in, in ways that are not immediately obvious or which lead to immediate outcomes.
many people do not actually get over their hurdles until they have reached rock bottom. and for some of them, reaching rock bottom means losing the relationship or person they cherish most. If you're that person to him, then maybe only by losing you will he ever get out of his rut.
But that means really losing you, for real. Not merely being faced with the threat of losing you but you're actually still here.
Therefore, break up with him. Do it as much for yourself as for him. It may take him another 10 years to break free from her and his 'guilt.' You have no direct control over that and you shouldn't put your life on hold indefinitely when you're in anguish. As for him, if he experiences the consequence of not following through on what he needs to do, then he will get one step closer to following through (maybe).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Thank you all so much for the advice. I agree with all of you, but in particular, 'so very confused'. Yes, "I love you and want to be with you, once you have moved her and her son from your home and cut your ties with her and have PROOF of it, I will entertain seeing you again... until such a time as you can do this, we have to have no contact." Is NOW my only choice, otherwise I'll still be tsaying the same thing, this time next year. He says the main reason he moved them in was 'guilt', but he has said, that he doesn't want his life to be with her c. Words and very different to actions and therefore, it has to be me who says 'I love you and if this can't be anymore than what it is THEN I will not see you anymore. I would find that easier to say rather than having NO contact. It would be difficult to have NO contact, easier to not see him if that makes sense. I need to take the advice above, I don't believe he is using me as such, my main issue is WHY IS SHE STILL THERE. He has come to me and said, 'I want to finish my relationship and be with you'. If he MEANS this, then he NEEDS to act on it. I know this sounds cliche but on I never thought it would go on this long. Thank you all so much for your words.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): It started out as sex. Men tend not to have much respect for women who offer those type of relationships. He is not scared of her. I think he is probably more scared of ending it with you. Not because of fear but because he will miss sex on the side.
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Hi
Just do the maths, he moved her into his home one year ago. Hes been seeing you three years. If he was so in love with you he would NOT have moved her in. He would have moved YOU in after breaking it off with her.
Watch his actions and see what they tell you. Walk away from him before you wonder where all those wasted years went
How old is her son?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 "how best should I move this forward?"
In all seriousness I agree with the other posters... he moved her in a year ago...
you want him to be with YOU and not her?
you have to take a risk... a big huge lonely agonizing risk...
You tell him:
"I love you and want to be with you, once you have moved her and her son from your home and cut your ties with her and have PROOF of it, I will entertain seeing you again... until such a time as you can do this, we have to have no contact."
MEAN IT and DO IT.
IF He loves you and wants YOU he will do what he needs to do.
IF he does not take actions to move forward and be with you, well you have your answer then don't you.
However, you need to be prepared that he will not be leaving her for you... if that was the case he never would have moved her into his home in the first place.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): He won't be leaving his partner. That seems clear. So call his bluff, finish with him. Say you can't carry on as you are. Then see what happens. I'm afraid the only way to see if he has any intentions of being with you is to walk away and see if he follows. If he doesn't that's it, end.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Ok so no finacial ties? Her son is not his son? It's his house?...and he is scared to leave her?...
BALONEY!!!!
Exactly why is he scared of her?
Does he think she will beat up on him, or kill him? Does he think she will take half of his estate (which she cannot since they arn't married and she hasn't lived with him long enough. Does he have some terrible secret that she will reveal?
Seriously it's occums razor, that means the simplest answer is usually the correct one.
He doesn't fear or need courage...he's playing you, because seriously being scared of someone you dont want to be in a relationship with and is living in your house is very very easily resolved.
He still loves her, thats why he won't ask her to leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): this time next year you will be asking the same questions. he aint going nowhere and neither are you.
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A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (5 July 2012):
I definitely agree with AuntyEm. At some point u have to consider the obvious facts.....will u continue to live in fairyland or reality. Fairyland tells u the relationship with him n his woman will be over real soon and you'll have a permanent footing as his woman not mistress or bit on the side. Reality tells you what man leaves his woman for his mistress. If it hasn't taken place in the first 3-6 months then I am sad to tell u that the chance of him leaving her now is about 5% in ur favor. You've already stayed with him this long knowing his situation. You're not going anywhere. Join the pool of woman who through their common sense away to believe lies, lies that they're aware of but choose not to believe. Courage is irrelevant, its convenience. Who wouldn't want what he has. You're being naive. Listen to these other women advice. His reasons why they are yet together are excuses. All u need to leave someone is willingness. If you don't have the will, then it will not happen. If u leave him he will find someone else n keep his same woman. Men like that cheat for decades. What u should do? First divorce ur own husband to officially move on. Then shop for men who are not attached. To tell him you will leave is a bluff and an idle threat. He laughs in his head and conjure up a laundry list of lies to tell you. And you being gullible soak up every word and live by it, telling yourself he's such a good man. When u wake up from fairyland hopefully it'll be before he breaks your heart, you'll see him for his worth. Sweet dreams
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 July 2012):
 So what's the ETA on your divorce?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): Just add he isn't the father of her son. We have had many discussion regarding him, having a bit on the side. He denies it time and time again.
I think he is scared of her. There are NO financial ties. He just needs COURAGE.
Thanks for you advice, it really helps.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (5 July 2012):
Despite everything he has ever told you:
He regrets moving his partner into his house
He feels guilty
He is scared of her
He needs time to sort out the situation (it's already been over a 3 years)
He is weak.
He promises to end his relationship with his partner.
What has he done? In the three years he has been with you, what moves has he made?...None, apart from moving her in (whilst he was seeing you)
Seems he has everything he wants, a live in partner to care for him and a Mistress on the side to have sex with...If he wanted the situation to change, he need only open the door and walk...or ask her to leave (bearing in mind she's only been there a year.
I am sure he cares for you and doesn't want to lose the convienience of having a 'bit on the side' (however wonderful it is) but he is pulling the wool over your eyes it seems.
How long will this go on for?, well you probably need to look through this website and read the hundreds of other posts from people who have been waiting in the wings for their 'infidelity partner' to leave.
Some have been waiting for a lot longer than 3 years!!
He knows you love him, you have made threats to end things but haven't carried through, this tells him that you have no intention of ending things and he can keep you dangling indefinitely (with an ever increasing arsenal of excuses)on that string.
I also find it hard to believe that he would move his partner into his house knowing he was scared of her (who would do that??)...Is she paying the bills? Looking after his child?, there has to be a logical reason why he would do this.
In answer to your question 'How can you move this on' I think it's a case of put up with things the way they are or end the relationship, because it's clear to see he has no intention (despite his hollow words) to leave his partner.
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