A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This situation is extremely complicated, but here goes.I am currently teetering on the verge of insanity due to an extremely psychologically, and emotionally abusive relationship with a man who cannot forget my past as an escort. I met this man whilst doing voluntary work around seven months ago, and immediately felt a connection. I was very honest from the outset that I worked as an escort. He stated that he wanted a relationship, but could never be with somebody who was engaged in that work, so I agreed to stop it right there and then.He told me about his own past, which included an abusive childhood, a jail sentence for violence, a death he caused during a fight, an unfaithful former partner, and an ex who has prevented him seeing his child for the past 8 years. I took the view that this was his past, not his present, and really had high hopes for a fresh start, and a new life. To give some insight into my own past as an escort, it is NOT something I am proud of. I entered that line of work due to money problems as a single parent, and due to the opinion I had formed of the opposite sex. I had two severely abusive relationships that drained me spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I became extremely bitter towards men, and figured that if the bastards were going to use, and take advantage of me, then they could damn well pay for the privilege. Until I met this man, I had decided there would be no more intimate relationships with the opposite sex- period. I had one very special same sex relationship, and frequently used to hang out on the gay scence, because I simply felt far safer in a gay environment, than I did in a straight one. Anyway, I have not escorted since I met this man, and I always intended to stay 100% faithful. I took a job in a bar, and am now at colllege studying for a career in healthcare.Unfortunately, things have recently hit an all time low in the relationship after I allowed him to move in after he lost his job, and his accomodation.He always has been incredibly possessive, and always told me that he would not accept me having ANY contact with ANYBODY from my escorting past. This has proved difficult, as some of the people I met that way have become good and trusted friends, such as the elderly, and very unwell man who has given me a great deal of help over the previous few years. I still have the occasional chat with this man by phone now and again, but ONLY when he calls ME. However, my boyfriend's behaviour has gradually gotten more and more intolerable, and his paranoia worse and worse. He has never trusted a word I say to him, and has pushed me to the verge of a nervous breakdown by scrutinizing my every word and action, and constantly trying to catch me out telling lies.I now feel like an emotional and psychological wreck due to his constant accusations that I am either cheating, or escorting behind his back. It got to a point where I was scared even to breathe for fear of what he would read into it. He is paranoid, obsessive, suffocating and controlling.He has dumped me about 30 times in the last two months for reasons that range from packing a pair of leather boots in a bag when I went to see my mum, and then forgetting to text him because I was too caught up in chatting to her because I had not seen her in a long while. During that visit home, he accused me of going out partying just because he saw me pack a pair of leather boots in my suitcase (I didn't)! He has also accused me of "clandestine" behaviour, and I just don't understand what the hell he is talking about!?!?He has accused me of checking out escort websites, then quickly changing the screen when he walks in (I haven't)!! He also noticed that I had the bluetooth name "Zorro", and told me that this meant "horny" in Spanish (rubbish), and accused me of going to clubs to pick up strangers for sex!! I put that name on there many years ago, and I have NEVER done that!! I have been through six months of absolute hell with this man, and it has felt like psychological torture. At times I have even felt like he was ENJOYING the pain he was inflicting upon me with his constant disgusting, and ridiculous allegations.I hardly see anybody anymore, because everytime I see a friend, he will immediately start questioning me over whether or not they are an escort, or an escort service user, or will simply think I am cheating with them (even females) behind his back. I even had to leave a college course, mainly because he didn't like my (platonic) friendship with one of the tutors. I find his narrow mindedness, and ignorance just unbelievable, as he himself has admitted to promiscuity during his 20's, and to having many flings with promiscuous women.I am srarting to doubt my own sanity, and I was so ill with stress a couple of months back that I was unable to sit my college exams.He has lost his job, and is now staying in my home. The final straw came the other day, after he admitted to going through my emails, and my phone, and even switching on an old mobile phone that I hadn't even turned on since I met him. He immediately went nuts at me, because during one of the periods in which he dumped me a couple of months back, I did in fact reply to an email sent to me by a one time former client, with whom I have been friends for many years. I had previously ignored all communciation from former clients (as he requested) but as we had split up, I felt there was nothing wrong in just saying "hi". There was nothing at all sinister in this, just a simple message saying that things weren't going too well. However, my boyfriend immediately accused me of "going behind his back", being a liar, and carrying on associations with former clients, which is just NOT true. I have been honest with him, and this was the final straw. A violent argument erupted, during which I hit him three times. I just cannot take anymore of being constantly suspected, accused, and disresepected. He calls me names during arguments like "whore", "tart",and "cu*t", and then told me the only other time he called a woman those names was when his ex cheated on him. He is 10 years older than me, and I feel like I have been used as an emotional punchbag for every woman that has ever messed him around.I even found out that he spent several hours scouring the internet looking for me on escort sites, after he discovered that there was one of my old (inactive)ads that I failed to remove after I simply couldn't remember the password. Unfortunately he found many duplicate ads that I wasn't even aware of, and from this deduced that I was still working. It must have taken hours and hours to sift through all those escort sites!!! I am just sorry that he didn't put the same amount of effort into finding a job!!! He is a total obsessive, and I am so hurt that he remained in a relationship with me for 6 months when he so clearly didn't trust me, despite telling me that he did. The police have already been involved, because I tried to kick him out, but couldn't because he has nowhere to go. He hates his family, and has no contact with them, and has no friends or social life. He now admits he was wrong about me, and wants a future with me, but I just don't feel the same about him. I think a future with this man would be like a prison sentence. He is forceful, pushy, demanding, posessive, and controlling, and I don't think I can take anymore. I asked him if he had ever snooped through previous partner's emails, and phones, and he said "No, because I trusted THEM". Why did it take him 6 months to figure out that he didn't trust me? Why did he consider previous partners worthy of trust and respect, and not me? His ex cheated on him at least once, and that was over 7 years ago, but he still goes on about it. He is very verbally aggressive during arguments, and I feel like I am being constantly bullied, or attacked. This has led me to display VERY aggressive behaviour towards HIM. He has agreed that we both need counselling, but I just don't feel it will be enough. He has pushed me to the verge of a nervous breakdown with his paranoia and suspicion, and I just question will that ever go away? Even as recently as last night, he was asking me weird questions like: "When you worked as an escort, did you ever have an orgasm"? WTF?!?! Why is he so damn obsessed with the past??? He lives in the past, and every time he drinks, he launches into bitter tirades about his daughter's mother. We never go anywhere, as he is unemployed, and money is short, and all we ever do is sit around my appartment, and have fights and arguments. I no longer want to be intimate with him, because I just feel so uncomfortable.I would be really grateful for any advice that anybody has to offer. I do still care for him, but I am so resentful of the misery he has put me through, and the way he has dragged me down.
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bullied, emotionally abusive, engaged, escort, his ex, liar, lost his job, money, orgasm, period, split up, text, the internet, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Ideally people who have had troubled pasts that still live in the past should be responsible enough to decide that they could never have a happy future if they don't address the issues so the past doesn't get in the way of the future.
Unfortunately most people choose to brush issues under the carpet and pretend that with time they will disappear by themselves, or simply that they don't exist, or they do but someone else is always to blame and pick up the pieces.
I've been in your situation and it is very hard. They blame you for everything, make you feel guilty, you believe you can't do anything right, and everything you do will provoke a fight so you end up walking on eggshells around them.
You doubt your own judgement and eventually feel like you're about to fall to pieces because you have nowhere else to turn and you feel like you're in it alone.
But there's is a way through it you've just got to be determined and strong about it. You said he's finished with you 30 times in the last 2 months, that's a heck of a lot so I'm guessing its going to happen again, and when it does, finalise it, do not take him back, don't listen to his sorry apologies or false moments of "Clarity" where he "Realises" he is wrong and you are probably the best woman ever to have walked into his life etc... Because that's just him trying to get back under your skin. Once he gets comfortably there and takes your presence in his life for granted again, he will begin to bully you.
You need to be firm with him and tell him that whether he likes it or not he's going to have to make a mends with his family and stay with them because otherwise you're going to be in a mental hospital because of the effects his behaviour has had and continues to have on you. There's no two ways about it, no more chances its either that or he's out on his backside and not to even think about causing you any further trouble because you'll have him arrested and removed off your case, and you will continue to do so until he mans up and gets the message.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2012): Kick him out, now; it's not your problem that he has nowhere else to go.
Also, get a restraining order against him so he can't come near your home or workplace, or your child's school.
Then, get some counselling to clear his verbal abuse out of your head. You are a good person, no matter what he says.
It's really no wonder that his ex keeps him away from their child!
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A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (5 July 2012):
For one, you need to get rid of him because he obv cannot handle your past. Its just not a good situation to be in.
Second, you need to realize that there are going to be a lot of men who are going to have a problem w you being an escort, right or wrong. The reason Im saying this is going forward you need to make sure that the guy you are with doesnt have a problem with it, and the earlier the better.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Look, you did what you had to do. You are a single parent, and you had to provide for your child. You'll get no judgement from me. Nor do I believe you should be getting it from someone else, especially a boyfriend who you made a point of being entirely open and honest with FROM THE START.
He came into this relationship knowing about your past. He has NO excuse for his behavior. He is nothing but an insecure, obsessive, possessive, abusive, DOUCHE!
Like others have said, whether or not he'll have somewhere to go if you kick him out is NOT your problem! He made his own bed, let him lay in it. His life is his responsibility, not yours. You have a child to think about, and having this "man" around them is not a good thing.
You should be resentful of what he has put you through. Do yourself a favor, and take this is a lesson learned. Move on with your life. You can do so so so so so so so so so so so, much better. You seem like such a kind hearted person. You deserve happiness, and you'll never find it with this guy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): If what you say is all completely true and he hasn't even been given the slightest reason to remotely suspect anything then my advice would be to get the hell out of that relationship. He sounds like a total loser.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Why are you still with him? What would you rather have? A disastrous, abusive, doomed relationship or being alone and having peace of mind and much deserved freedom? Dont be absurd and say that you still care for him, if you choose your heart over your head then you will very soon be sitting in an asylum. There's a limit to how much a person can take. Dont wait for things to get any worse, its a dead relationship and will only get worse. Get out NOW, get help and throw this man out of your life.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Get him out of your home and out of your life, immediately. Enlist the assistance of any male relatives you have, contact the police for a protection order. You owe him less than nothing. You owe it to yourself to have only supportive people in your life, and he's not one of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): This is an abusive relationship that needs to end now!!!
I don't think there will be many men who will accept an escort as a life partner without having nightmares of her past. This is normal. You two should have gone for counselling when you decided to be exclusive.
Keeping in touch with your past "friends/clients": unfortunately if you want a clean break from the escort scene it means that you stay away from them. Will a recovering drug addict see remain in a drug induced scene? Highly unlikely so the same remains for your situation.
Returning the email to a former client was a big No No: remember that is your past and no matter how innocent it just makes you seem guilty.
HITTING your bf: WTH were you thinking. I don't give a damn how emotionally distraught you are, how dare you hit him? I hate when women get away with physical abuse against men.
OP you have had a nasty past: you really do need some private counselling to help you move forward. I'm happy you made a life changing career move. It has also helped you gain your own self worth back. The Change from call girl to "normal" gf should not have been to please your bf. This change should have come from you because you Wanted a change For YOU. If you did then its great. It means that you truly desired a change for yourself.
The Boyfriend:
Is NOT going to change. Accept it! He will not AND cannot handle your call girl status. Realise this. Does this make him a bad person. NO! What does make him a bad person is his abusive emotional behaviour towards you. He feels threatened that you did soooo many men. That you enjoyed it. That you actually was in the game because you wanted to instead of it being survival after a while. A normal person will have these fears. Well founded fears BUT by no means does it give him the right to emotionally traumatise you.
What to now do: since the police is involved, get a restraining order. And keep it enforced. Yes he is unemployed and he is down on his luck (you may note he's a tad bit depressed as well) BUT he now needs to fend for himself. End of Story!
OP since you have made the choice to Clean up your act then continue. Get your life together. I'm hoping when you do meet another man he will be mature and capable of understanding and accepting of your past. You will need a special man who doesn't have the usual hang ups and inferiority complex/ self esteem issues dating a former escort. These mena are very few and when you find him, hold onto to him. Men sometimes want the Pretty Woman fairytale but alas its just a fairytale. Reality is just so much deeper.
Good Luck OP: oh and please change your locks
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Flashtony +, writes (5 July 2012):
Get out of this relationship... dump him... kick him out, change the locks.. his welfare isn't your problem... get out of this now before you get hurt violently or do something you'll regret... you owe it to yourself and your family.. get out... and good luck! x
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Hi
In no way am I going to blame you for the work you previously performed. Life was tough and you needed to survive.
However I will BLAME him completely. He knows he has has a chequered history and his own upbringing sounds like 24/7 turmoil.
As such he needs to get himself sorted before he can be ready for any relationship.
What he is putting your through is APPALLING
Sure it is due to his own insecurities, and his own past unsatisfactory life.
The man is just not in the right head space to have a relationship with a gnat, let alone a woman.
He is not ready for any relationship.
You need to get out.
And do it quietly as clearly he is a potentially very dangerous abusive man. With serious Anger Management issues.
He has absolutely NO respect for what is yours and what is private.
His ex is no doubt terrified of him and you need to be just as wary too. This man's behaviour puts you in grave danger.
And if you are a single parent then you do not want your child harmed physically nor emotionally either, by this abusive nasty man.
This man is total TROUBLE.
Please read the following article to remind you why you need to get out of this relationship
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-honeymoon-stage-in-an-abusive-relationship-and.html
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (5 July 2012):
 HI
I am going to keep this short and sweet.....DUMP HIS ARSE!!! and if you fear for your life at any time call the police A.S.A.P.. dont put yourself through anymore stress, or you could end up doing something you will one day regret.
Mandy x
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