A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met a really lovely guy of 48 who is has been separated for three years. He says he couldn't afford to buy his ex out as he has a business and house. When we met 8 months ago he reassured me it was at the final stages and amicable. I have waited for him to show me he is moving on and tying up the loose ends. Its now a matter of him finding the best deal to remortgage and sign the house over. He says he will be financially better off when he's done this but has to find the right deal.He knows I'm not happy dating a legally married man and says he is sorting it out and wants a future with me. I believe in actions not words.....His children are grown up and his ex has a new family.....but still nothing has happened.What next? Do I leave him or stay and wait. Its become a sore subject as he now says I'm putting him under pressure and it will be sorted out.....I really don't know how long I can stay with him. I have my own place but feel in limbo with him.....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 November 2013):
 My first husband and I were separated for over 7 years before we got around to the divorce... it did not mean we were trying to make it work or were still attached to each other... it just took time for us to get around to it. And in OUR state there are two states married and unmarried... there is NO legal separation in our state...
IF you have told him how you feel, and he has said he's doing what he can but is not moving forward (and to be honest mortgage rates are now going UP so he lost his window and his excuse) then all you can do to force his hand is leave.... if he truly wants a life with you, your leaving will propel him forward.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (28 November 2013):
 Firstly make sure you don’t sign into any business deal with him whilst he’s still legally married as you’ll be stepping into a legal property nightmare if you were to do this or perhaps live with him and rent out your own place. Please refer to UK Marriage, Family Law and Divorce procedure.
Secondly it does not appear that either of them is in much of a hurry or there’s actually a stale mate between them… To me it sounds like they’re at stage 2 of proceedings – Decree Nisi, yet you say they've been separated 3 years and there’s still no Decree Absolute? Hence you are in limbo just as much as he is and shall remain there until this “right deal” comes along.
Meanwhile neither of you can experience a guilt-free relationship, but sometimes these things are happening for a reason? It maybe warnings for you, to stop the pressure… as what’s your hurry (keenness); when you’ve only known him for a short 8/9 months?
For me; I don’t like messy situations so I’d be saying thanks, but no thanks… Lovely as he may be and wants a future with you; unfortunately he’s still hooked up and distracted from making any promises and certainly can’t give you a guilt-free relationship in the meanwhile that you (or I) would want.
Set him free and if he comes back he is yours… If he doesn’t come back he never was!?
Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 November 2013):
 3 Years should have been PLENTY of time to get their finances separated too. I think when people stop "trying" to get it done it's because they are content with status quo.
The STBX wife is happy with a new partner who obviously don't care that she isn't divorced (because that means sh can't expect marriage or because he doesn't care about that).
8 months. Its a long time if you EXPECT him to get it over and done with.
I wouldn't put pressure on him, I would tell him how it feels to you (that you are basically dating a married man) whether he isn't WITH his wife, HE is still married.
I would not date a "separated man" either. I just think if a guy wants to date, he needs to figure out how to be "single" in the eyes of the law BEFORE dating. (same for a woman)
If you can't see the light of the end of the tunnel why not end it now? There is ALWAYS a reason to postpone a divorce and financial settlements. Christmas, tax breaks, fiscal year.... You name it, it's there. I would say 3 years SHOULD have been plenty of time.
You need to decide for yourself if you can or can not date him. But I would stop with the pressuring, because he isn't going to DO it as fast as YOU might want him too. He obviously doesn't really have a set plan or time line, because being divorced isn't a big concern for him (is my guess).
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 November 2013):
 To be honest some divorces and settlements can take years to complete, but it's not really something that should stop you dating and having a good time. Perhaps it's more commitment you are looking for i.e. living together, sharing bills etc and I'd be wary of trying to do those things with someone who is still trying to get out of one arrangement (especially if he's being resistant)
If things still arn't sorted in another 6 months or he hasn't given you a sign that he is ready to commit then maybe he's not right for you.
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