A
female
age
36-40,
*ls022
writes:Hi everyone. Ok so I've been with my boyfriend for just over 4 years and things have been a bit rocky at times if I'm honest. However things are going much better at the moment, and he has recently asked me to move in with him. The problem is I don't think I want to and I'm not sure why.I've been back living with my parents again for almost a year after I was made redundant, but I'm now back on my feet and almost in a position where I could buy my own place. However he thinks the next logical step is for me to move in with him (he rents a house from his parents). When I told him I would prefer to buy, he suggested us getting a mortgage together but again I'm not sure. I think it's probably because things have only just started to get back on track with us and I don't want to take such a big step until it's been good between us for a lot longer. He is hurt though and thinks I'm being totally inflexible (which I guess is true). He asked me if I could ever see myself living with him and deep down I just don't know. I'm a lot happier with him now than I have been for a while, but I suppose I don't totally trust that it will stay this way. He doesn't understand, mainly because I have been feeling neglected for a long time and although I moaned about it a bit I don't think I ever properly explained to him how much it was bothering me. Well I thought I had but he didn't realise, so I guess it's come a bit out of the blue for him.So now I feel stuck with no idea what to do. My parents are great and have told me I can stay as long as I like, but I'm quite embarrassed to be back living at home at my age. If I move out and rent (either with my boyfriend or alone) it may start to eat into my savings but if I buy on my own it seems like it will damage my relationship.What would you suggest?My boyfriend also said if I don't know by now then there must be something wrong, and those words have stayed in my head since. Is that right? Can you have as many doubts as me but go on to be happy further down the line? I'm just so confused.
View related questions:
living at home Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 November 2013):
 DO NOT do something based on pressure to please your boyfriend.
IF you want to buy a home on your own do it... then he can move in with you and pay for his share of things equal to the mortgage payment.
FOR example, my father and his "gf" have been together 18 years. THEY will not marry. (neither of them want to) THEY bought a house together. I'm not privy to the details of who OWNS the house but I believe that their set up is that my DAD pays the MORTGAGE payment and my QSM (quasi-stepmother) pays the utilities, and all the grocery and other HOUSEHOLD expenses because the two are about even (they have VERY HIGH monthly household expenses)
Later on if things work out with you and bf for a wedding gift you could add his name to the deed on the house (and the mortgage) so that he would own if if you marry... but you are protected should it not work out...
DO NOT let him bully you into doing something you don't feel comfortable with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): It would be a bad idea to eat into your savings by renting, period. Forget about the state of the relationship but on a practical level, it doesn't make sense. Also, a joint mortgage with someone with whom you have a rocky relationship with is not a good idea. It's really not sensible..You don't sound sure about the relationship itself so I would suggest you let him go. If after 4 years you are not sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him, you probably don't. If you decide to give it a go, I'm sorry but he'll have to accept that given the problems previously, it is wiser for you to buy alone. If things work out, he can move in with you later and pay you rent or you can sell your place and buy another together. But you are definitely not at that stage right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, pindrop +, writes (28 November 2013):
 I am not surprised you are doubtful of the relationship when things have been rocky. Yes relationships do have their ups and downs but the rocky times have affected you to the extent that you are not sure if things are going to go smoothly now. I'd be honest with him and say that you need more time and that as things haven't been great, you need time to adjust and to get things back on track. Continue to stay at your parents if they are ok with this arrangement and you can live with this for a while longer. It may be hard for him to understand because he seems to think that moving in together may resolve your relationship issues and things might be better. The truth is it is a big step, one not to be taken lightly. If there is still some shaky ground between you two then moving in together is not a solution. Give yourself 6 months or so and if you still feel the same as now, maybe it could be worth re-evaluating whether you want to make such a step with this guy. If he really loves and cares for you, he can give you 6 months, its not that long but long enough to get your head together, continue the relationship and get things back on a level. I wish you all the very best to you both, hope that things work out for you. Remember, communication and honesty at all times! xx
...............................
|
