A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a sexless marriage now for over a year--irregular for 3 years prior to that. counseling hasn't seemed to help. I've been seriously thinking of a "friends with benefits" type of relationship rather than an outright affair and would like to hear from others on this topic. I've been married over 30 years and am not ready to give up this part of my life. I miss holding hands, cuddling, snuggling, just being close--he is not interested in any of that. Other than the intimacy, we seemingly have a great life. But I am increasingly sad and lonely and feel that it is now affecting the rest of my life. I would welcome all comments, pro or con.Mamabear
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 February 2009):
 "Other than the intimacy," you're merely roommates now. I understand your frustration; years with out physical closeness let alone lovemaking must be very cold and lonely years. I don't blame you one bit for seeking a solution to this emptiness inside you and your life.
You didn't mention why counseling didn't seem to be helping. I have to admit my frank curiosity as to what he said in counseling, or after, and how long did he and you attend sessions? What has happened to him in the past four years that has caused this disconnect between you?
Have you examined all the possibilities for his complete lack of interest? Medical--I think there are many physical conditions that can lead to ED. Homosexuality--has he been living a lie all these years? That doesn't account for the lack of cuddling and hand holding of course, but perhaps he's keeping his distance so that he doesn't have to discourage any advances on your part. Psychological--depression for example. Has he been evaluated for those?
So, I'm trying to put myself in your situation. I think I would be crushed and unhappy by those barren feeling years; by his lack of interest which would be a direct rejection of me; I would be feeling a great deal of anger, and hurt, and resentment. All very toxic emotions.
Have you discussed this 'solution' to your intimacy needs with him, or are you mulling this over in private?
I have to be honest, I think that it's equally about the physical intimacy beyond sex--that the lack of sex and cuddling and whatnot has left you feeling undesired and unloved. And I question how a 'FWB' relationship would really work for you. You'd be having sex, of course, but then you would cuddle and be held. You'd feel desired and desirable. You'd then get up, get in the car and then drive home to your husband. I just don't think that you could sustain that kind of physical intimacy without him figuring out that something is going on. And I think you'd begin to develop a bond with the other man, because that's what you're really missing--the closeness. And there you are in a full-fledged affair.
I know I couldn't manage to separate sex and affection and love. It's a package for me. So do you think you could manage that separation, really and truly in your heart of hearts?
Perhaps part of this potential plan is the actual deceit--it's a way of getting even for 4 years of unhappiness and conflict. A secret you could hug to yourself and feel better about yourself too. But is it sustainable? That's the question you'd have to answer for yourself.
Maybe the real issue is that you are financially tied to him and can't face the upheaval a divorce would case in your family and your settled life? Maybe you're scared of starting life over at 50 something? (age guesstimate there) Perhaps you have decided on retirement plans and you really want to live in the style to which you've become accustomed? Dating again would be a whole new world. The rules have changed, you have changed, the candidate pool is a lot smaller than it would have been in your 20s.
So you'd have to really hash all those things out. Dissect your feelings, your needs, the reality of your situation, the possibilities that exist, the things you'll lose, the things you'll gain.
Well, those are my thoughts on your very difficult situation. I do wish you well, and I hope you find the best solution for you and him as well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): I feel your pain. I've been married 20 years and while sex isn't as rare as for you, it's a whole bunch less than I'd like -- once every month or two. I've thought of the same alternatives you have, but have so far honoured my vows.
Could there be something physically wrong with him? For some men, erectile disfunction is something that strikes at their very sense of manhood, so they won't admit it and will do anything they can to hide it. If that's why he's avoiding intimacy, there's a little blue fix for it. Just a thought.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Tell him exactly what you said here, that you have considered cheating because he won't reciprocate. It's better to tell him this than to actually cheat on him. This will hopefully shock him into action into actually trying to work things out and take it more seriously.
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A
male
reader, honeyross  +, writes (27 February 2009):
 This is a more liberal response than you'll probably get from many others.
People need intimacy, including that of a sexual kind. This is a basic need and long periods without it can have a negative impact on a person's life.
A husband should be more than just a best friend.
You have choices (some easier to live with than others, obviously):
1) Stay frustrated
2) Try counselling again and work hard at rekindling the passion by changing your routines and doing special things together
3) Speak to your husband honestly about the possibility of an 'open relationship'(difficult, but it could work)
4) Secretly have a 'friends with benefits' relationship
5) Leave your husband but stay his best friend
You made promises to each other when you got married - staying together through difficulty, etc., but you also agreed to a physical relationship.
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A
male
reader, ISOHaven +, writes (27 February 2009):
I say no. You have marriage vows to uphold.So, you've been through counseling, he knows how you feel yet is still unwilling to give you what you want or meet you half way? It sounds like he's already not upholding his vows. Did you discuss divorce with the counselor?If sex was your only problem, I wouldn't even consider divorce but it seems to me it's much more then that. Seems you have no intimacy, no closeness....no feeling? You don't deserve to be lonely in your own marriage. If I were in your shoes and my partner was unwilling to fix all these problems I would, heart brokenly, start to talk about divorce.
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