A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of over 30 years can no longer get an erection. He's struggling with a fatherless father and an overbearing mother. This seems to have him stuck in a rut and in this rut all his life. Not sure why he just can't get over it but he just can't. Our sex life is non existent. It began decreasing over 18 years ago. I thought it was me but now I know it was never me. I believe it's been 2-3 years since he's been able to get an erection, that's even with meds prescribed by his doctor. he has a highly stressful job. I'm wondering if he will never have an erection again can a marriage survive? He feels since he can't perform then we don't have to do anything. I'm worried and sad at the same time. I keep telling him there's lots of things we can do but he seems unwilling to even try. Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2020): Maybe the lack of a sexual atmosphere, going about it like it something he has to do -- like cutting the lawn. My husband is in his 70's and he can f*** like a rock star with the pill. In fact he cuts them down. "I can play baseball with a whole pill" but we have to play act and lots of foreplay. (he got that from me years ago)-- Last summer we were at a hotel and the chambermaid was 3 doors down. So we knew it had to be a quickie- it wouldn't work. no playacting, no boner.
Act like his hussy. say thing to keep it light and sexual. "hey Joe, give you a blowjob if you fix the washer... oops thought you were our handyman. But I'll give you one for $20." He owes me like a $ million.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2020):
 You have already got some helpful answers, I'd just like to add that... "some times a cigar is just a cigar ".
Meaning: Ok, depression, stress, anxiety, childhood traumas, Oedipus complex, whatever, any kind of mental condition could be at play here.
But, quite simply, if you have been married over 30 years, and you are in the 51-59 age bracket, let's say that your husband is late 50s to mid 60s... alas, these things happen. Men lose gradually ( or also ,not so gradually ) their sexual prowess and stamina due to hormonal changes, and they develop ED and impotence.
It's not so strange, it's not so unusual. 20% of men between 50 and 54 suffer from ED; and 5 % of men between 40 and 49 , ( ! ) are totally impotent and unable to obtain any degree of erection.
It's a draw of luck, basically . You've got your Mike Jaggers in their late 70s impregnating women 50 years younger... and you've got guys in their late 50s who alas are beyond any possible help from medications.
Life is not fair, but this isn't anything new.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2020): You're not sure why he can't just get over it??? WOW!
You're over 50, and I assume he's somewhere in that age-group. He has medical-issues and ED; but there's hope with a pill. It seems he's battling with depression and hasn't been treated for it. People still place a stigma or shame on having mental-health disorder. They refuse treatment to avoid labels; or admitting there's something wrong with their mental-health.
You seem somewhat tough on the poor guy; because he's dealing with erectile dysfunction. You stopped having sex a long time ago, you say. There are specialists, pills, and therapists; but he seems to have given-up. He doesn't seem to have much support coming his way; and he's being kicked while he's down. You seem oblivious to what he's going through. It's more than just his job. He's aging, you're pressuring him about sex, and it's like you're placing him at fault; in spite of knowing the probable causes. He must think you see him as a total failure! I don't think its because he doesn't want to make things better. He's giving-up on life.
You two are approaching retirement; and these are the toughest times ever. He probably lost his sex-drive years back; and all due to untreated bouts with depression and stress.
There may be some really serious problems of a deep psychological-nature in his past he won't dare discuss with you. You don't seem to show a lot of empathy or compassion in your post; so I can only imagine what's going-on in his mind. Even if his male-equipment is fully functional; there has to be love and kindness to fuel the passion. It seems he's not up to it. I think you've had a broken-marriage for a long-time; but you're oblivious to the fact. He's disengaged and shutdown. Maybe he has chosen not to divorce you; but you're describing a man who is emotionally-unavailable. We get only one-side of the story here. I can't image what kind of words are exchanged in heated-arguments.
Depression left untreated becomes despair and despondency. That's one of it's crippling effects.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): I should have stated his was an emotional detachment from his parents but my upbringing was the emotional and physical childhood. Even had to have stitches because of beatings. That's where my get over it statement came from. I need to remember I had to become strong and detached because of my upbringing. I know my statement sounded callous. That was not my intent. Years ago he revealed a secret that about destroyed me but I decided it was not enough to leave him. I truly love this man. We've been together a long time. I can't imagine my life without him. Sometimes I just get so hurt by his non actions I just don't know what to do. This isn't something I can just talk to my friends about. It's just too personal. Only with God's love and my love (and mouth shut) will he get any better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): He needs professional help. He needs to see specialists AND a therapist.Lack of erection can be due to many things at once, psychological and physical. Lack of hormones totally kills libido in the sense that not only can't a man get an erection but he stops having real desire, he can't just go through the motions to pleasure you. Could you just let him do things to you if you didn't want it?He has to learn to do deal with stress better, but this won't come over night. It takes practice. He needs to acquire some resilience. This too takes time. Has he tried seeing a shrink/psychologist? Has he tried meditation, mindfulness....?You don't say which doctor he saw and what kind of tests he prescribed, BUT 2-3 years is a very long time for him to be suffering like this and it had probably started before he went to see a doctor. This alone can provoke terrible anxiety.A side note: erection problems are like canary in a mine. They can be the first symptom of much serious cardio-vascular issues even in young people.My husband has had issues for years. Honestly, compared to my previous bfs he always had a lower libido. But the issues I'm taking about are not in comparison to others but in comparison to how he used to be in his 30s. Now in his 40s due to stress he's hormonal balance has changed. What I suggested above (mindfulness, meditation) helps. Because the problem in itself is never what really bothers us, it's our reaction to it and the reaction of other people, this too is something we need to learn to handle better. In his case, if he feels pressure and not support from you can hugely add to the problem and block him. So in a way, you are contributing to your own "hell".Help him find help. Sometimes when people are stuck they need a push. You too would benefit from the techniques I mentioned. They are not just here to accept something you do not like. They are here to help you accept what really is going on in the sense that you face it as reality and that includes your own needs. Accepting reality as it is helps us change it by either working to make something better or realizing that it is beyond repair.Good luck!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): Look please let me be frank. You have been married for 30 yrs he is probably bored and fed up of having sex with you with all the predictable motions feelings sounds tastes and smells..etc.. No offence but when you have the same dish for every meal every day even if it is made of black kaviar and Champaign you are bound to get sick and tired of black kaviar and champaign and long for a change even if it is only a portion of pork pie and half a pint of ale. Of course this works both for men and women. Also it is a well known fact that a mans sexual prowess decline greatly as he gets older. The secret of a successful marriage is to accept these changes as you get older and turn your marriage to a successful partnership and companionship.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (17 September 2020):
 Okay, the sentence that is LEAPING out of the screen at me is: "not sure why he can't just get over it".
Your husband sounds like he's been through some really tough stuff - could have resulted in some trauma. He sounds depressed, and pretty hopeless, and I guarantee that your attitude of "just get over it" is not only not helpful, but hurtful as well.
I have struggled with a husband who had a good decade of severe depression, and as a fairly happy and mentally solid person myself, it was very difficult for me to understand why he couldn't just see the bright side, and if he'd only do this he'd be fine, and like... I just wanted to shake him out of it. Because to me, because I wasn't experiencing it first hand, it looked like an easy fix. But, that's not how it works. He is on his own timeline, sweetness.
It sounds like whatever your husband is going through is - like you said - not about you, it's about him. And he needs to address it with himself. Sounds like maybe him going to a therapist might be a good idea. Not just so he can bang you again - but because his issues probably reach pretty deep and have a history and for his own health and happiness, he should be trying to help himself.
I do think your best move with your husband is to ease off the pressure. Think about what you say, or what you might do that may make him feel ashamed, or unmotivated, guilty, or like it's more trouble than it's worth. "There's lots of things we can do so that you can get it up again" is just a sentence that reads of "hey, you are failing me, and I'm disappointed, and make your dick work now" (that's not how it works.) Do you still like HIM?
If the answer is yes, then I say - just enjoy the man for WHO HE IS. Go on dates, play games, cuddle and watch movies. Maybe reconnect with a hot making out session, without the pressure of "will he get it up?" Remember when you were a teenager, before sex was always the end result, and you could just have a great time making out, maybe getting a little handsy? Why not go back to that happy place? Just getting him comfortable will probably do you a lot of good, and might allow him to open up the conversation eventually - you can come up with all kinds of ways to get sexy without his dick being involved. Oral sex? Toys? Manual stimulation? His dick will remain flaccid forever if you're just giving it guilt trips, and it knows it's just gonna disappoint you. Remind your man/show him that it's not his DICK you miss, it's HIM.
Now, as for YOU.
I also understand that this must be very painful for you. Perhaps you're not feeling as cute, or you miss being desired, and that's a feeling that every person deserves. It sounds like you've already given yourself a good chat, and that you know this isn't a reflection of you. Maintain that. Remind yourself how foxy and sexy you are every day. It's important that you remain confident - not just for your husband, but mostly for yourself.
He'll get over it when he is ready to. It is not a timeline you can force. For now, try to give your relationship its own separate space, and enjoy each other for who you are. I wish you luck, and hope you can reconnect!
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