A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Growing up,y parents were very strict. There are three of us: Me (Dierdre, 22), Siobhan (18) and Aiden (14). We had no cable, were allowed VERY few DVDs, ONE computer which was literally only for school research, no cell phones except our parents, we were homeschooled till HS, then we went to all-girls or in Aiden's case all-boys school. We weren't (and aren't) allowed opposite gendered friends and we had an 8:30 bed time all the way up. Only our WAKE UP time changed as we got older. I put up with it since I had no choice but I knew I was easy to take advantage of. I really wanted to go away to college but they wouldn't let me. I was not allowed to work, only volunteer, and I wasn't allowed a license. Neither is Siobhan. Not till after graduation. Now that I have an associates (that was a fight, they didn't like Dental Hygiene since it's only an associates), they still don't like that I "broke the rules" and started working part time. I got luck: I got part-time in a chiropractor office as a secretary. They didn't like that either because they're "not 'real' doctors" and I was in college living at home. I wasn't allowed to be in any activities except Church and I had to be involved (as a lector, a LEM, bring up gifts, serve Mass etc.). I ended up dropping down to part-time school, getting full-time at Chiropractor office and moving in with a classmate Lupe and her boyfriend. I slept on their couch, cleaned, cooked, contributed food, cleaning and Hygiene Products in lieu of rent. I paid my OWN tuition. I stopped coming to church and started going to the one Lupe and Sebastian go to, Unitarian. My parents hit the roof. They went back and forth between trying to track me down at school or work or home (to convince me to move home) and telling me to stay away from Siobhan and Aiden because I'm a terrible influence. Now I not only have my Degree in Dental Hygiene, I also work part-time on a set schedule there for a WONDERFUL dentist and also part time set-schedule for Chiropractor who is ALSO wonderful. The problem is, I JUST got my own apartment I'm March and I've been slowly furnishing it one room at a time Mom, Dad, Siobhan, and Aiden know where I live and are CONSTANTLY dropping by whenever they feel like it or in my brother's case, writing me cards and sending SASE's. What makes it worse is that M and D tell aunties and uncles and people from Sts. Peter and Paul to "drop by anytime" to my new apartment. I've politely told people I need a call first and that I hate ALL droppers by. my Mom called later and blessed me out, saying I was rude. What if I'm in my underwear eating peanut butter out of the container? What if I have my FWB (a married police officer) over? Siobhan has taken to calling and trying to come over by bus after school. How do I stop this and show them I'm an independent adult who is HAPPY with the UU church and my life now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2020): I agree with you. Your home is your home, your sanctuary - not a drop in centre. You should be comfortable there and you should be able to be yourself - if that means sitting around in your pyjamas eating peanut butter so be it. I
have known church people believe they can just turn up unannounced and uninvited, usually with an excuse about seeing if you are alright - when they are really just bored, lonely or nosey. It is a cheek and like you say you could be naked, dying your hair, waxing your legs, having a much needed nap, eating a meal, all sorts where it is awkward and intrusive for anyone - mother, father or total stranger, to just turn up. Nowadays there is no excuse for it, it is so simple to check with an email, text or phone call first. One of the snags with this is that lots of people like to just turn up uninvited and hate to read that you do not like it. They think you should be so ecstatic at seeing them stand there on the doorstep that you forget you are desperately short of sleep and they woke you up, or you are in the middle of doing this or that and you have to let that get ruined now. All they think about is what suits them and what they want, not your welfare or needs.
There was a local minister's wife who was forever turning up uninvited at various peoples' private homes, always with the excuse it was to see how they are or "help them". She never visited anyone who actually needed help! The old and disabled people who lived alone and were dying of loneliness. She always turned up at the homes of busy young families wanting to spend hours playing with their babies.
Once you have your own place and are living alone you are entitled to privacy. And if you have a lover and he might be there kissing and cuddling you even more so. But many people have a boring, empty, predictable life. It does not occur to them that you do things during the day that need privacy because their life is not like that.
When they are at home they are cleaning, cooking or watching tv - so it is fine for them to jump up and let someone in. They think that your boyfriend waits until it is late at night to cuddle you, that you are and should be at their beck and call before then! Likewise, you could have a friend there with you, just chatting, but you are still entitled to privacy. Other people are not entitled to decide who you see, how often, or butt in and join in.
I used to have a very boring neighbour inviting herself over to mine whenever her friend was busy. She wanted to be here for hours every day! She ignored I was very busy with things, she ignored I wanted and needed time and privacy and she complained when she turned up one day and expected to just walk in through the back door and found it was locked! Apart from the fact I was busy and did not have much spare time I also had no wish to have her come around at all, let alone so often. I had to tell her this.
I knew a married couple who were out and about a lot, they went to bars and clubs every evening. They got it into their head that when the place closed and it was too early to go home they could turn up at mine - at 10 pm.
Expecting to sit and chat for hours. When I pointed out I was tired etc that all got ignored. When I pointed out that I don't like people just turning up, that was also ignored.
Don't allow other people to decide you are at their beck and call. Invite them for a day and time that suits you, that way you know that time suits you and they have the opportunity of agreeing or disagreeing, neither is being forced into it. When people just turn up they are forcing you into seeing them instantly.
People also forget that it is different for someone living alone. If a married couple are living together and the wife is in the bathroom dying her hair her husband can answer the door and explain she is too busy to see them. When you live alone you are expected to go to the door looking a fright to tell them yourself.
I had the same problem years ago and I was a lot older than you. People assumed that as I had my own place and lived alone they could come around whenever it suited them, at the last minute, without waiting for an invite or checking - no matter how many times I explained to this firmly this did not suit me. The reason you get a place on your own is to have space and privacy, not to be at everyone's beck and call. You would be better off sharing with someone else or letting out some of the rooms in your place.
People get offended by the idea they cannot just turn up when they fancy - ignoring that it is offensive to you that they do that. It is a form of control, they are trying to decide when and how often they see you, but they are not allowing you the courtesy of deciding the same thing about them. Supposing you are busy and you only like them enough to see them once a month? Tough. They decide it is once a week whether you like it or not!
That is controlling you.
In the end words will not work, they ignore them. You ignore the doorbell. You ignore texts too, as they might just say something like HI. IT IS MARY HERE. I WILL BE AT YOUR PLACE IN FIVE MINUTES. What use is that to you when it is not convenient in five minutes?
You need to be firm. If you want to see your parents once a week tell them you will visit them. You turn up at theirs when it suits you, without waiting to be invited or checking it suits them.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2020): People have a lot of nerve.What you do....change the locks if your parent has key.......Do not answer the door when people come a knocking.Sooner or later people will learn that you do not answer the door unless they call first and it is ok with you.You might need to move and tell no one where you live.I am worried that your parents might try to abduct you as they have this control issue.Really I know you love your job but you might want to think of moving very far away...tell no one.Your parents do not get you are over 18 and you have rights....I could not believe I saw you were in the usa.Move now.If they get crazy contact a woman's shelter...I worry about this as it reeks of abuse.You poor kid...rise above escape and thrive....You can do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2020): I believe CindyCares hit the nail on the head. I read the post and couldn't really sense any authenticity; and my take from your story is that you're trying to say you feel resentment for your parents, harbor a disdain for their faith or religion, and you might have a little issue with lying.
You claim to belong to a church; while being friend's with benefits to a married-policeman. Is that your probation officer? Seems you just pulled the name Unitarian out of the air. Do you know what the Unitarian Church believes? Quite a switch from a Catholic to that!
Why would your parents continuously harass you and intrude on your privacy? Seems to me they'd be relieved you're gone! Being such a bad-influence and all on your brother and sister.
You're an adult. If you work two jobs, seems you'd hardly ever be home anyway. I find it odd they would discourage you, when you work so hard! They would actually ask other people to drop-by unannounced and intrude on your privacy? Even odder that church-people would even bother to do that! Why you? Parents only consider troubled older-children to be a bad-influence on their younger siblings. Not church-going hard-working independent-adults. Are you sure your parents are Catholics and not in a cult? Oh-oh, next novel!
Here's a better story. Actually, they seem like the parents of a rebellious teenage-runaway! They wanted her to go to college, but she didn't want to go. They're trying to get her to come home, but she's living with her friends. I don't think those jobs exist, they seem fictitious. You fantasize about ways to stick-it to those vicious religious-zealots; who relentlessly pursue you, and don't believe in anything you do. Otherwise, you're at home on your bed; on your laptop, and making this all up!
You're anonymous; so you can comeback anytime, hopefully with a real problem we might be able to help you with.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2020):
 Ok, now I am curious.
To an old hand at DC like ,modestly, yours truly, it pops out that this is a fake post. You wrote along the years so many variations of the same story, with a slightly different plot but basically always the same pap,... the super strict, overbearing parents and the super backward upbringing, the religion used as a mean of control and oppression ... I must say that you are fair in that, in the sense that your maniacally religious figures change every time, once they are Catholic, once Mormons, once Baptists etc, well at least
you are really equitable, you do not target a religion more than another...
You wrote so many times already, ... that in percentage that would raise the number of homeschooled kids with parents straight out of a Dickens novel out of any believable proportions, LOL.
I wonder : maybe you are just killing time , in lack of a better hobby. Or polishing your writing chops.
But, the choice of the subject can't be totally casual, I think.
Just the repetition of the plots, show that you DO have a problem with parental and authority figures, that there is some sort of trauma for you, associated with that.
Your posts are visibly fake , but the malaise , I think is true. All your stories basically are about humiliation, and feeling suffocated, restricted, oppressed.
Only, you don't want to ask us the real question, what really want to know, what really nags at you. And you prefer to come up with your chick- lit about Shioban and Sebastian and whatnot .( Never once ! that your " friends " and " siblings " are called John or Mary or William, something common....).
Too bad. Because if you could find the guts to get to the core of what's your problem, if you can come out and say what is it that bothers you- odds are that we CAN help, that we CAN offer suggestions, or at least sincere words of comfort, a sympathetic ear...
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