A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I dated this guy for a couple of months, we had amazing chemistry and got on really well however he ended things because he was recently out a long term relationship and he wasn't ready to commit to someone new. That was a while ago now and I'm really struggling to get over it. I have been on a few dates since but this often makes me feel worse because I end up comparing these guys to him as I haven't felt that same spark or chemistry.I feel really down all the time and it's so frustrating because I want to move on but I keep thinking about what could have been and whether if we'd met further down the line things might have been different. I know he was never as invested as I was and we didn't even date for that long so I feel silly for feeling so cut up about it, especially as I'm sure he has long forgotten about me.Any Advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): Imagine you go out with someone for two months and during that time, you decide they're not for you.
It's a tricky thing, telling someone, 'Look, I don't want to go out with you anymore.'
It's much easier to say, 'I'm not ready for a relationship,' blah blah blah.
IF that was true then he wouldn't have dated you at all!
It's just another version of, 'It's not you, it's me.'
It's an easy break-up line, that's all.
Accept it and move on. We've all felt what you're feeling now. Rejected and stuck on a fantasy. Guess what? He ISN'T all that. You two had chemistry, which feels fantastic, I know, BUT he picks his nose, farts, probably has traits you would not enjoy if you had got to know him better. Imagine all the things that he could do, that would make you stop and think twice about him.
He is just a human being and definitely a flawed one at that. He's probably moved on already.
Do the same. Stop floundering in the self pity mud, get out and enjoy your life. There's plenty to get excited about if you turn your brain onto a different track.
A
female
reader, S17  +, writes (17 September 2020):
 This is something I have experienced at times, and one thing I find really does help is to give it time. I know that doesn't sound like much of an answer though. You may be thinking that you will never meet anyone quite as special as him, or have such a connection with anyone else, or feel so strongly about anyone else, but you really will. There are lots of great people out there with amazing qualities. This guy was not your only chance, there will be plenty more. I know that doesn't help much right now though. I would advise trying to focus on your life and staying with reality, and try to stop yourself from daydreaming about him or creating fantasy scenarios about what might have been. No matter how you feel about him, he doesn't feel the same, so he isn't for you. But there really are other great people out there. I hope this helps somewhat.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 September 2020):
 If the reason he gave you for finishing your relationship was genuine, then you are making the same mistake as he did, i.e. dating when you are not ready, when you are not available emotionally. I say "if" because this is one of the excuses people use to dump people without making themselves look like the bad guys. I am inclined to suspect it was just an excuse, not the genuine reason, otherwise why would he have dated you for 2 months? If you are "not ready", you usually realize that pretty quickly, which is why your dates are not working out. Knowing how you feel, perhaps you should consider what you could be inflicting on others and lay off dating until you are ready? You can't use other people to get over this guy. That is wrong.
Without wanting to sound harsh, you were obviously much more into him than he was into you. Perhaps that is the reason he backed off?
Use this relationship as a lesson. In future: (1) don't date guys who are freshly out of relationships and (2) take your time investing emotionally in someone, until it is clear they are on the same page as you are.
When you realise you deserve better than this guy, you will move on. Take him off that pedestal and accept he was not for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2020): Two months isn't enough time to be that attached to anybody. You hardly know the guy. You even had a caveat going-in; he was recently out of a long-term relationship, and not looking for a new one. That's usually the disclaimer given by a player or troll; so you won't get your hopes up!
You can't have that many "what-ifs" about someone you've spent so little time with. You've set your expectations too high; and you fantasized about having a future with very little "present" to substantiate your feelings upon. You moved ahead at blinding-speed!
Your quick-fixation is not that uncommon. Nobody's more charming and desirable than those people fresh out of breakups, but completely out of reach; or those who go unnecessarily out of their way, just to get our hopes up. They are sometimes practicing being better with you; than he was with his ex! Trying his best to prove to himself what she's missing-out on; while you're his rebound-romance and emotional-prop. Everything was ever so wonderful! He was such a dream! Why'd his ex let something so wonderful getaway? She had plenty of time to know him!
Here's some advice you should tuck-away for keeps. Beware dating men who have recently broken-up from a previous-relationship. They are not completely over their exes, and some are only out to make their exes jealous. Some are actually sincere; but they are searching for an emotional band-aid and a human-painkiller for his broken-heart. You don't deserve to be anybody's rebound; and you are mature enough to be cautious of trying to connect with a guy fresh out of a breakup. You're over 25! At that age, you've been there; and you know how you were emotionally post-breakup. Like now, only this is inappropriate. It's not a breakup.
Now cut the dramatics. Feeling all down and such is succumbing to the inner drama queen! She's blowing this all out of proportion, and stirring-up your feelings; because she's needy and entitled. She feels rejected, and that makes her feel like she just lost something. You didn't lose anything, he messed with your head; and probably only wanted pity-sex. You met online, and he's already out there? Yet he has that over-used excuse "he's just not ready." Then get your butt off the market until YOU ARE ready!!! Do that, or keep whining and pining for your ex; who probably had good reason to kick you to the curb! He sounds too good to be true, and if you had the opportunity to get her side; he probably is. Never fall for a one-sided story about a breakup. If he admits any fault, he's salvageable; but if he bad-mouths his ex...RED-FLAG!!!
Snap-out of it, girlfriend! Daydreams are for teenagers! The drama queen lounges up inside your head; and starts spinning foolish notions to throw your feelings and emotions all out of wack! There are no "what-ifs" when there's a never-was! There was no relationship to base a future upon, or dream about! Your DQ is working overtime; because she don't wanna grow-up!
He's gone, so back into the closet Ms. DQ goes where she belongs! Been there, done that! I had my encounter with the inner drama queen when I got dumped; so I feel you, sweetheart!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 September 2020):
 You won't move on until you get out of the fantasy land you created with him as some "perfect guy who got away".
Instead maybe consider, HE wasn't a good guy, he used you as a rebound and then dumped you. WHO does that to another person?
Ever thought if that?
The longer you HOLD on to this guy and the fantasy relationship you have build in your head, the longer you PREVENT yourself from meeting someone who IS right for you.
Ever thought of that?
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